ar·tic·u·late

2010-02-14T19:39:00.002+08:00

Trapped in a vicious cycle
Unwinding the matters of the heart

When will you wake up?
Stop deceiving yourself

Hurt to the unearthed depths
Feelings of disappointment and pain

Prorities not placed
My heart is misplaced

Unappreciated and undervalued
Thou shall seek

2010-02-12T23:43:00.002+08:00

Felt like you were not there but you were there
So many differences there were
One by one we conquered
We felt like we would belong together forever
Truth could be otherwise

Our bond seems impregnable
Yet the tiniest things could make us crumble
Wonder the reason of this
Is all but a gap for you to ponder

My brain's exploding. I'm tired and exhausted mentally, I need to get some sleep. I looked through some mags earlier at baby's place and suddenly thought that some streetwear brands and stuff really do look cool and great. hahahhaa. I need to get some sleep..

Happy CNY! :D

2010-01-27T15:49:00.002+08:00

I need a break, from all the schoolwork. Everything is coming at me and I feel like escaping. I think I'll experience burnout sooner or later. The thing is, everyone else is getting about the same workload. Why do I not have the right attitude and mentality to get past all these?

Yesterday was horrible. The night before, I studied for my lecture quiz yesterday and I really practised alot. But guess what, when I got the paper and actually tried doing it, I could attempt nothing. Nothing. The questions which I had practised so many hours before and seen before, and I couldn't attempt. Right after the paper, I couldn't stand. I couldn't face anything. I left right straight for the toilet to seek comfort after the paper. I had an awful day yesterday and today ain't any better. I really want to just get away from everything.

The going is getting harder and harder each week. I need to be mature and tenacious enough to get through this. I need better time management.

I had napfa last week. 2.4km run was like the run of my life. Anyway, I think I got a Gold for napfa. And I haven't recovered from the sleepless eventful night, napfa, the carnival and the painting of my room. I'm so tired. I need a break. Sigh, me and all my excuses. I have so much work to do man.

2010-01-14T22:13:00.002+08:00

3 BBQs this month! I'm going to get throat cancer this month <----- debbie. Craziness, craziness! All my project's due dates are SOON! Ugh, i'm just here to do some random ranting. :D

2010-01-01T19:48:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was crazy. I was running about in a pair of 3-inch high heels and today, I can officially say my feet and legs are totally wasted. My feet hurts so much whenever they touch the flat ground. And it's worse when i'm flat-footed. :( But I had quite an amount of fun. :D

I attended a wedding dinner at pan pacific yesterday with my baby. It was fine dining for me in a while. Haha. The clock struck 12 while I was in the cab back to patrick's house for more 2010 celebrations, with him. It was quite a special moment for me, I felt. As this was the first time I have ever spent or lasted any relationships through the new year. I have quite a good feeling about this. :)

I just found out from FB that a friend whom I used to be quite close to, just broke up with his gf. It's upsetting because the both of them really looked lovely together. Well.. it's funny and contradicting how relationships go.

Yay. Today's the 1st of Jan 2010. 20 more days to GO!!! Woohooooo. I'm going to prepare a new cradle. :D Hahahahahaha. No baby, I only have you in my heart~ *winks. :*

Have you come up with your new year resolutions for 2010? If you have, and it's quite awesome, do let me hear about it! Cause I have yet to come up with mine! :D

Anyway, HAPPY 2010! May this year be one where all your goals and dreams are achieved, and wisdom attained. lalala~ :D

2009-12-21T21:58:00.003+08:00

I need a change. I got empowered by this song - agnes, release me.

Sometimes, I tell myself to be contented with my lot. Then somewhere around my superficial self comes telling me that 'you need more'. It just gets so frustrating.

`get a hole and burrow yourself in, charlene.

2009-12-18T02:45:00.002+08:00

I'm all crumbled up, been curling up in bed the entire afternoon. I found a new identity a while ago. This raw feeling is quite queer but empowering.

They say,

If you truly love someone, you will be strong for them when you're really falling apart.

That you shouldn't have to prove you love someone.

That it's more of a trust and communication thing.

That love isn't about doing great deeds.

It's about being open, reliable, honest, talking and sharing.

I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry for all the insecurities and unreasonable antics and everything. You are everything to me baby. I don't know how am I going to redeem myself this time.

I don't wanna be like this. I needa grow up.

2009-12-14T22:38:00.002+08:00

I feel an urge to do so much this term break. I have got so much inner energy to expend out, so much to let loose. I want to do some travelling around exotic places, do some action to get my adrenaline pumping. Life's too short to spend it hesitating. What if I died tomorrow?

Dinner at the glass house fish & co was quite awesome. I had some cheese stuffed fish and chips which was really tasty at first but it got a little too much for me when I had more than three quarters of it. I got sicked of it. haha. I spend 2/5 of my allowance for the week today. I have four more effing days to survive. Aw.

Term test's over. Oh boy, I'm so glad but I'm so going to scream when I have the papers back two weeks from now. Ugh. I can actually start screaming now you know~

Debbie's away from me. :( she's away in korea, seoul now. I have no idea why do I think of her when I couldn't be bothered when she was in sg. I scraped through the term test papers thanks to her. I was so bloody lost after I crashed the first two papers, thank god she was there to tell me some really positive stuff. I love you debbie! :D

I have been having a rather hard time with my own life. This is my last sem and I'm about to graduate soon. My dad's been drilling some facts about what I really want to do after I graduate. He forbades me to do what I want to do. But then again, I would ask myself if that's what I really want for myself. I feel like running away sometimes. It's so awfully scarrrrryy.

I think I'm really crazy, been thinking and fantasizing about so many things. Have you ever entered a mall and walk past really mysterious and sexy people? I mean really mysterious people, like they possess this aura which you don't get with other people. And this is what we chinese people call as 'seh'. Haha.

I'm going to go read a book now, been coughing like nuts since I don't know when. I might just die from an asthma attack or something. Grrr..

2009-11-18T00:30:00.002+08:00

There's so much pain where relationships are concerned.
The pain is overbearing,
I thought physical pain were better.

What is happening to me.
Why am I imposing my principles and likings on him?
Everybody is different, I know.
Everyone feels a different kind of thing for something

I just realized that we are so different
I was taught that the little things make up & build up to bigger things
Yet the little-est things
You do not notice.

I don't know how to teach you sometimes
It's my fault
What am I supposed to do now?
Oh God, tell me what to do?

I love him alot
Our bond,
Supposed to be getting stronger
Am I stranded?

2009-11-17T23:59:00.001+08:00

Norwegian Recycling - 8 become 1

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on the corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that I'm sure
She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
But I won't lose sleep on that
'Cause I've got a plan

I say it's ok
I can promise you it's alright
You ain't keeping me up all night, no more
You're not here but it's ok
I assure you babe it's alright
You ain't keeping me up all night, no more
You're not here but it's OK

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you, a-ha
I can't live
With or without you

Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight

So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand
All of your work
Is rated again

It's alright and it's ok and
It's alright and it's ok and
It's alright and it's ok and
(You're not here with me)
It's alright and it's ok and (it's alright)
It's alright and it's ok and (it's ok)
It's alright and it's ok and
You're not here but ...
It's ok

2009-11-09T23:01:00.003+08:00

SO BUSY SO BUSY!!! School work is killing me!!! :/

2009-11-04T21:13:00.002+08:00

Disney channel stars
Send It On lyrics

A word's just a word
'Til you mean what you say
And love isn't love
'Til you give it away
We've all gotta gift
Yeah something to give to make a change

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach your heart
Just one spark starts the fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make it strong
Shine a light and send it on

Just smile and the world will smile along with you
That small act of love
Is spent for one to become two
If we take the chances
To change circumstances
Imagine all we can do
If we ...

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach your heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make it strong
Shine a light and send it on
Send it on

There's power in all the choices we make
So i'm starting now there's not a moment to wait
A word's just a word
'Til you mean what you say
And love isn't love
'Til you give it away

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach your heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make it strong
Shine a light and send it on

On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach your heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will help things start
Make it strong
Shine a light and send it on
Shine a light and send it on
Shine a light and send it on

-the end-

the new is fresh but can it sustain the devil's voracious appetite?

charlene is screaming out needy!

MEGAN FOX is so hot, I would forgo so many things just to see her in the flesh.

anyway, this is so random! i have been wasting so much time! work work work!!!

2009-10-29T00:42:00.002+08:00

The past three days has been poignant. It's a new sort of thing. I'm learning to handle everything, from being in the same class with him to seeing people whom I haven't seen for ages. It's quite tedious sometimes, but I hope I am tenacious enough to see through it all.

Once again, today I found the importance of having friends again. Good friends. Friends whom I always turn to when I don't see light in my problem. Friends who would lend their listening ear when convenient. But of course I don't take any of my other good friends for granted, it's just that I prefer to be alone listening to music than thrashing all my feelings out to people in the open. And so I prefer to tolerate all the 'thrashing' inside me.

My eyes hurt so much now. The bloody contact lenses are sucking my bloodshot eyes dry. I need some eye rest now. Immediately.

Sometimes, it's hard to find chemistry or a certain type of chemistry in people. Thus if I happen to come across one, even if it's the same sex, she tends to catch of my attention. I don't know what's with this random subject anyway, I just happened to be thinking of someone which fits this description. hahahaha.

Baby, give me more faith and hope. I really hope we'll be able to last. Ours is a relationship of a thousand possibilities or more, I won't give up on you. I love you sweet pie.

2009-10-24T19:31:00.003+08:00

You're Not Sorry

by Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting

Hoping you would come around

I've been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long

Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again

But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent

I might believe you if I didn't know

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey

And it never would've gone away, no

You used to shine so bright

But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, oh

No, oh, no, oh, no oh

Whoa, no, no

-the end-

Gosh. Major project's over and done with! :D I'm quite worried though, my LO couldn't quite understand my poster presentation yesterday. :/ well, I hope he does see light through reading my report. Anyway, the lyrics I posted above is non-suggestive of any whatsoever thing.

I'm feeling really melancholic now though. I wonder why do I get this feeling every now and then, it's like an attack or something. It's been like this ever since I was a teenager, I always needed this space to myself. I always needed time to be alone. Well, I guess some people do experience this every now and then.

Anyway, it was Coral's birthday about two days back. I had wanted to address her as Ms Coral Lim here but I figured that it's weird because I feel so grown up and all already. Haha. I really hope you had a wonderful birthday, coral. You'll always be someone I respect and look up to, since young until now.

Hahaha. And ya! I watched coraline on thursday too! In 3D! It's a nice movie, I would rate it 4/5? It's a whole new movie experience for cartoon animations from the usual nemo and mouse movies. hahahaha. Anyway, I want to go watch some teevee. Shall end today. :)

2009-10-15T15:07:00.002+08:00

Fly birdie fly...

Fly birdie fly...

Fly birdie fly. Up up to the sky!

Sha la la la la la la Sha la la la la~

Toot .. toot .. toot (flute blowing~) toot .. toot.. toot.. toot.. toot.. toot..

(I'm consumed by boredom, you see.) :D

2009-10-13T14:51:00.005+08:00

i don't want to be selfish this time round.

2009-10-06T20:18:00.002+08:00

Met up with a friend today. And then he was telling me alot of things which made sense, and I pondered upon them.

If you have claimed today that you love someone,

Would you leave that person when he/she were facing obstacles?

Would you wanna help solve the problem with him/her?

And if you really thought you have loved him/her, think again.

Cause love is timeless.

Love does not fade with time.

But feelings, crushes and appeal all fade with time.

So do you really think you love him/her?

Cause when you finally leave him/her, the answer is quite obvious.

I don't know why but I have been pondering the entire day, while I was crossing the road, eating my meals and relieving myself in the restrooms. My friend told me so much. He told me that he learnt so much from his recent breakup, he told me not to make promises cause promises are meant to be broken. And everything is unpredictable.

If you're someone selfish today and you love only yourself, I suggest you should not get attached and lead your life of loneliness. When will you learn? Cause if you don't learn, the same shit happens. And I shall stop preaching for today. :)

Time is passing so quickly. I can't handle all that, I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be like peter pan. Oh yeah. I participated in a street netball competition on sunday at west coast park and we won third place! I feel my team and I growing better with each different exposure at every comp. It's always heartwarming to be playing with familiar team-mates when you've grown up with them, suffered with them during trainings in the past, and they know you inside out. It's so comfortable. And you don't get this sort of feeling with everyone.

Major project report and poster due date SOON! chiong chiong chiong~!

2009-09-25T17:23:00.003+08:00

i love you so much, thy.

i don't know what would i do without you.

i am so lost right now.

i wished you were right here beside me smelling me & telling me what to do

i wished you didn't had to go away

every single day that you're away makes my heart ache like crazy

i was never clingy but i learnt how to with you around

only you can take that sickening pain away

i love you baby

2009-09-19T22:12:00.003+08:00

RANDOM PICTURES! :)

this was taken at cptc abt 4 mths ago?!

check me out! i'm so cuteeeeeeee!

this candy reminds me so much of someone... hms...

it's almost flat now~ hahaha.

ah brown says: "check out my fluffy backside!"

Yay~! Internhip's ended! More rest and fun for me now! Oh yay, my presentation at the company went pretty well. I'm so contented right now. But there's so many ups and downs in life, might as well just enjoy myself while I can right now. :)

I attended some social event yesterday night. The place around was rather scenic with the water and everything, I felt rather at peace with myself over there. I finally had a chance to see michelle after more than a month. Nevertheless, I don't want to admit that things have changed, changed by alot. For one, I'm changed too. I am no longer how I actually used to be around her. I don't know about her, but there was this really awkward silence for a while during the dinner after I yelled at the table over some photos I saw. I didn't mean to embarrass her at all. Sometimes, I wished we could be how we used to be but it's so hard now. It's like, some things cannot be changed after they have been implemented or something. There were some hurting for me at the dinner but I tried to mask it all. It's different, so different. We used to be so close, I always felt so comfortable sitting beside you but now I just don't know what you're thinking. You're at this and later at that. You're whispering here and there. I'm really sorry for anything and everything. I really don't like the way things are now, it's like hanging somewhere in the midair. Ugh.

People's been asking me what I want to do when I graduate. I really want to tell them but I guess it's better to do so after I have really done it.

I have got a really tiny cut on my toe, but you know what? It damn bloody hell hurts alot. Anyway, I have blogged enough for today. Gonna go do something else now! :)

2009-08-30T19:25:00.000+08:00

i'm so pissed off now. i can't access my friggin mail to finish up my report. ugh. i don't know why have i become so quick-tempered these days. anyway, i had nights out two days back on friday. my colleagues took me to this expensive japanese restaurant at mohammad sultan rd for dinner. little did i know i had to touch alcohol when my colleagues and myself bumped into our boss on the way to another place. he was with this super-rich client and we were asked to sit down and there goes. cheers cheers cheers. i was rather light-headed after that. i had several shots of sakae, it was pure nice sakae. there was this fragrance in its after-taste. but it was a price for your money when it cost over 100 for a bottle.

i didn't really liked entertaining anyway. the next morning was rather groggy and sick for me. but my day was great! hahahah. :)

i'm just here to write off my anger and frustrations. it doesn't really seem to help at all though. :( god bless.

2009-08-22T14:16:00.000+08:00

Gosh. I finally have some spare time to blog now. Work's been crazy the past week, I was trying to rush out the project with all the results. I am so, so tired now. I'm worn out. I need to get some proper sleep and rest or else I'm going to collapse. Anyway, i'm pretty soon done with project, just that this one bloody experiment had to fail and I have to redo and reprepare all the beakers. I am so going to miss some of my nonsensical colleagues at work, especially the cleaner and the china chemist, always talking dirty jokes at work. But I like. hahahaha. They are the people who really keep me going through these past 3 months. :)

Last night was awesome. hahahaha. I had alot of fun I thought. hahaha. Anyway, things are so different right now. I need to clear some misunderstandings and stuff. Sometimes, I feel like a rubber band being dragged right and left with no exact directions that I feel suffocated. I need to breathe.

Anyway, I am listening to some music now by david archuleta. I just feel like singing it so much now so here goes. It doesn't imply anything ok, it's just such a nice song. :D

Saw you from the distance,
Saw you from the stage,
Something 'bout the look in your eyes,
Something 'bout your beautiful face,
In a sea of people,
There was only you,
I never knew what this song was about,
But suddenly now I do,

Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand,
Reach out as far as you can,
Only me, only you, and the band,
Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand,

Can't let the music stop,
Can't let this feeling end,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never see you again,

Can't let the music stop,
Until I touch your hand,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never get the chance again,
I'll never get the chance again,
I'll never get the chance again,

I see the sparkle of a million flashlights,
I wonder why all the the stars,
But the one that's shining out so bright,
Is the one right where you are,

Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand,
Reach out as far as you can,
Only me, only you, and the band,
Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand,

Can't let the music stop,
Can't let this feeling end,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never see you again,

Can't let the music stop,
Until I touch your hand,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never get the chance again,
I'll never get the chance again,

Saw you from the distance,
Saw you from the stage,
Something 'bout the look in your eyes,
Something 'bout your beautiful face,

Can't let the music stop,
Can't let this feeling end,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never see you again,

Can't let the music stop,
Until I touch your hand,
Cause if I do it'll all be over,
I'll never get the chance again,
I'll never get the chance again,

Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand, (I'll never get the chance again)
Reach out as far as you can, (I'll never get the chance again)
Only me, only you, and the band,
Trying to reach out to you,
Touch my hand,
Yeah, yeah

2009-08-14T20:38:00.000+08:00

I feel so confused.. why why why? My head's hurting like crazy now, my nose's dripping and my eyes are droopy. I feel so sick. Do you not say what you mean? I want to believe but it's so so hard when almost everybody is against this. Well, not everybody but. Actually things are simple, really simple if I could only stop my crazy mind from wandering everywhere else thinking of every possibility. It's really hard now, I feel so sick with my headache now. Why do I feel like the both of us are hiding things from each other? I don't know, it's not even a beginning yet. Nevertheless, I feel this thing so much stronger than before ever since we had last weekend together. I swear I never felt this close and happy being with another guy when I spent last weekend together with you. It felt like I was on cloud nine, being so close to you everywhere we went. Yet, I think I'm crashing now. Perhaps it's because I'm really down with headache now. Or? I want to be with you, but they say you will not change.

I thought it was clearer if I had really experienced it myself, experienced the whole thing. I must say first-hand experiences require much more than who I am. Perhaps I have been thinking too much, just like what you always say. I really miss how we spent last weekend together, it was so happy and heartwarming. I really thought I was in love then. :(

Netballuxion on sunday. I can't wait to see you guys, chewling elly pw sh! Ugh. I need to hurry get better, i'm thinking too much now my brain's going to explode.. Cheerios.

2009-08-02T03:13:00.000+08:00

I seriously don't know what happened to my blogger, I can't upload images and change fonts and many things! I need to go find a solution to this soon! But I haven't got much time! I need to start on my report tomorrow, second MP discussions on 15 august! RUSH RUSH RUSH!

I was on the phone with michelle just now for close to 2 hours I think. We talked about alot, it made me think alot even though I kept switching topics to avoid or escape the situation. I know I just have got to face things sooner or later. I don't know what I have been doing, just been screwing up my life telling her things I don't even know whether I really am. Anyway, she understands. I just had a warm shower and I seem to snap back to the person whom I really am deep deep inside me. My core. It's hard, but I only get back to myself when everything quietens down and my soul seem to calm down. And it's these times when I can really decide what I want for myself, instead of those pride-wrecking stupid things which I had wanted to do.

Anyway, today was a fairly good and bright day I would say. :) I went out with mr mysterious today. We watched the Hangover, it was awesomely hilarious. I never laughed so much in the 18 years of wasted life I had. hahahaha. We had dinner at .... I forgot the name of the restaurant already. Oh! At Changing Appetites! hahaha. I didn't try their famous frankentein mudpie though! I definitely have to try the next time, it looks damn hell good. :D But I am having a bad throat now, it's itchy and so sore. :( Anyway, the most memorable or heartwarming thing that happened today took place in the train. Recalling back now, it was really quite heartwarming. I feel something different now, can't explain why I couldn't feel that way earlier. Perhaps I am alone to think now. Yet, I'm so scared. It's so uncertain and full of complications. Why did I choose this route in the first place? Anyway, I guess things have to be taken one step at a time now. I cannot charge into this at full speed like before. I don't want to regret and please spare me any heartbreaks for both sides.

Netballuxion coming soon at Novena Square! :D

2009-07-22T23:48:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but you have been so much a part of my life that I don't know how to continue without you. It's been only a few months that we began hanging out like this so often, I want us to be the best of friends until we all grow old and haggard. And I hope that happens :)

My head hurts alot right now. I don't know how to head for work tomorrow. Dear God, please make me a stronger person and give me more faith.

All of a sudden, I miss debbie and the clique. Sometimes, I wished we all never grow up to face the harsh reality of life. I want to be like peter pan. :(

`it's the sunshine after all the rain, i hope.

2009-07-16T20:30:00.003+08:00

Work today was hideous. Everything was bad, there were so much work to do and all I could think of was nothing else but all that happened over the previous night. First, my mind was so preoccupied with all that crap that happened and second, there were so many bloody samples to manage all by myself. It pushed me to the brink that I broke down in the toilet at the office. Imagine all that pride I had to keep aside when my colleagues found me in the toilet like that. It was totally embarrassing. Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be a better and brighter day. It's the weekends the day after tomorrow. I really need a break.

Then it occurred to me that she really didn't bothered anymore. I was crying so badly in the toilet and I badly needed to talk to her to make me feel at ease again yet when I called her, she did not answer. Where were you everytime I needed you? I know clearly how seldom I need someone this badly cause I tell myself to be strong everytime something bad happens. You tell me to not lock myself up in this shell of mine, yet when i'm trying to open up to you, you just don't bother. I'm so lost, I don't want to share anymore. I guess things would be just fine like how it was in the past when I just kept everything to myself.

I don't see the reason of all that's happened. I keep questioning myself what have I done wrong. I just don't understand, I really don't. Whose ... Ugh, I don't know why am I saying all these here. It's not going to make any difference.

I'm so confused. I need to go to do a sport. Oh god, tell me what to do ... I need to get on.

2009-07-08T20:37:00.002+08:00

Oh god. I miss michelle alot right now. I don't know what's up with me these few days, just been having these irritating mood swings back and forth. I have to get away from this, fly away and do something I really enjoy doing. I am hurting more and more each day, and I wonder why. It's as if I can never be satisfied with myself. Ugh. I need something to cover the pain and block it, filter it away. And I know just what's that 'filter'. It's going to be just a temporary one, I know. I don't want to do this. I can't help it.

Anyway, below are the photos from last weekend's outing with michelle. Apparently, I don't know why the both of us didn't take a photo together though. hahaha. I miss you, ah worm. Cheers! :)

2009-06-21T20:41:00.002+08:00

UGH. It's WORK again tomorrow! I dread going to work. I hate being so quiet and not myself at work. I hate pouring the wrong chemicals into the wrong beakers. I hate feeling so unsure about a procedure yet I don't cease to ask before I proceed and commit a mistake. I hate feeling stupid for asking so many questions and I get ignored occassionally. Anyway, I must get through this. Period.

I don't understand how life works. Everything's so repetitive. Do we only derive satisfaction from reaching goals? Other than that, what else? Love?

That aside, I cherish my family and good friends alot. I cannot afford to lose them cause they keep me going, away from the dreary pull of life.

-I'm staying positive. :)

2009-06-20T02:28:00.004+08:00

- SENTOSA 19th June! -

:):):):):):):):):):):)

Today was quite good. I managed to take leave to head back to school for the selection of electives. :D Thereafter, I went for tanning at palawan! It was outrageously irritating when the sun came out and went back as well as the rain poured down on and off. Anyway, I got slightly burnt ONLY. I wouldn't say I'm tanned at all, cause it's damn hard for me to become dark. (I peel and become white/fair again!) hahahahhaa. FUN, FUN and FUN! I talked lots with my sis while we were tanning. :D

I rushed to meet ah worm (michelle) after that! hahahhaa. It was another utterly fun event! I met her at kembangan and she drove us for some bubbletea and then to ecp. :D i was so honoured to be sitting at the front seat! Cause, usually you-know-who gets to sit there. hahahhaha. And also all thanks to me for being late that I got that seat! HAHAHAA. We arrived at ecp food centre and it was crowded like shit. We had to wait for tables and chairs. haha. And little did I realise that there were so many uncivilised and rude people there! Obviously when someone got to the table first and chop the seat, you don't go there with your bloody khaki and don't care as well as to just sit down! What bloody attitude is that? So rude! Tsk tsk tsk. I felt like going up to slam two tightslaps at their faces. Anyway, we got a few tables under the pavillion I think. Ordered some food and started gouging overselves. Haha. At least, I felt like I was filling myself up like a balloon. Hahahaha.

Oh. And michelle's birthday 'cake' was so pretty! I hope you had a wonderful time today, ah worm! I love you and hope that you will always be happy ok! :DDDDDDDDDDDD And also HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I'm so sorry for getting the date all mixed up. I will pass you your special 'present' SOON! Smacks! :)))))))))

2009-05-28T21:34:00.008+08:00

It's weird how things ended. But I'm glad that it's over. I did not really know what I had wanted and thus, it wasn't really fair for him either. I wouldn't say I'm not the least upset about it. Neither would I say I'm very happy about it. I would rather admit that I have been very rash about everything.

I need to change. Seriously. I supposed I got started by ripping off the previous blogskin. :)

Anyway, graduation and pat's birthday celebration picts! Sorry about the messed up sequence of the pic-tures! Enjoy!

[SORRY guys, I seriously have no idea how I can get rid of the space below!!] :D

2009-05-23T23:07:00.002+08:00

Hi guys. I'm back after a whopping 6 weeks of training at Jurong Island CPTC!!! It has been a very enriching experience but also a very tedious one. Thank god I graduated yesterday, I was very close to failing and not obtaining my cert. :( But thank god I graduated. Anyway, life's been rather monotonous lately. I'm looking for some excitement. hahahaha.

Yesterday was rather good but I was quite pissed in the morning, I guess. I went out with love after graduation and we went e hub for some food and movies. We watched 'the uninvited' and I would say it was a rather nice movie with a good twist at the end. After the movies, we kbox-ed from 6pm all the way till 830pm! Kbox was pricey! Around 20 bucks per person! Stupid. Anyway, the room was darn spacious cause it was meant for 10 people as they didn't had rooms left for 2. It was fun, it was funny to listen to love's high-pitched girlie voice...... hahahahahahaha. Anyway, I kind of skipped dinner. I had a small portion of mee sua from some taiwan store at e hub I think, wasn't very sumptous after I bought home to eat it. To sum it all I had a, ratings: 6/7 DAY, yesterday. hahahaha. :D

I need to sort out some of our differences right now though. I am quite messed up actually. Sigh. Got to go! Cheers!

2009-05-10T15:49:00.004+08:00

Birthday celebration of yh

on 9th MAY!! :D

Yesterday was good. I met michelle and her clique for a gathering before she flys away next week to china for osip. We played lan. hahahaha. Don't know what it's called, '4 left dead' or something. It was damn fun! I loved killing zombies, shooting the shit out of them. hahahaha. Anyway, I had to meet my clique for a birthday celebration thereafter. We had ASTONS at cathay. Food was good. Black pepper grilled fish.

After dinner, we strolled around and ended up at SMU. hahahaha. I bet yh was rather caught offguard that he was going to blow the candles off his cake over there. hahahaha. It was fun. I miss seeing them all. But I was so tired and worn out that I didn't had much energy to fool around like the usual. :S Anyway, WHERE is AMELIA SETO?! Stupid amelia! Stop going for your family dinners and come out to meet us soon! With this, I hope to see you our next meeting. This is my first warning letter to you. HAHAHAHA. :D

Updates at Jurong Island. I'm so worn out with the crazy and lengthy practicals in the hot sun! It's sometimes worse than having a good game of netball where I get all sweaty and worn! I hope all these can be over VERY soon. I'm dying soon. Anyway, exams are around the corner! Got to go! Take care people!

2009-05-01T01:07:00.002+08:00

Hi, I'm back to blog! I'm so tired so I'm going to do a short update right now ok? :D Alright, life's been really, really packed and busy that I can't breathe sometimes. I was trying hard to breathe in the bus this morning you know, like my chest felt really tight or something. Anyway, everyday's going to Jurong Island and getting up early and going home late. I'm so tired and worn out, I feel my body giving way soon. I feel so weak. Fortunately, it's public holiday tmr! I'm going to rest to my heart's content and study for my mid-term paper next week! :D

Life's been quite good. :D I feel so loved when I see the way he behaves towards me. And he doesn't get angry one! hahahahhaah. The both of us are very childish and playful, I would say. hahahah. :DDD So tired, so tired and so very tired! I'm exhausted.

I'm going to run and exercise at the gym later! Got to burn away calories and tone my body! :D Take care, people and love love love! God bless.

2009-04-14T20:38:00.002+08:00

Night out on 11th April!

with deb, pat, ph, ky, ter, yh and myself. :D

haha. I guess I was a little tipsy in here.

check out deb's revealing top! hahahaha.

cheers! -.-

oh god, I look lunatic over here.

-The End- :)

CPTC's started. Yet, I think it's so much better than staying at home my entire hols doing redundant stuff and wasting my time. Over the hols, I gained some and I lost some. Sigh. I wouldn't elaborate more. Anyway, things been quite good! I met one of my friend from JC whose doing his CPTC trng at Petrofac too. He hasn't changed alot I would say. He called me just the night before and we talked for a bit. :D

Anyway, I got to go. Update soon.

2009-04-10T21:45:00.002+08:00

Oh God. I don't know when have I changed. I miss you, matthew. Right at this point of time, at this moment. But with that, I feel weird saying all these. :S hahaha. Take care and enjoy your trip! :D

2009-04-07T22:19:00.002+08:00

Weather today: rainy and sunny. And it actually complemented to my mood for the entire of today. It was deplorably bad at the beginning and as it came to the end of the day, it got better. I always believed that we depend on ourselves when it came to such matters. Whatever it is, if you're sad, you got to do something about it. I won't exactly wait for others to pull my mood up or cheer me up. That said, I'm still very much dependent on debbie when it comes to studying. haha. And so, back to the objective. I decided that I had to do something at least significant today. I won't elaborate on it though. And I'm feeling a tiny bit better now about everything. :)

I can't wait to get back to netball training. I can't wait to run all my frustrations out. I can't wait to intercept some balls. Anyway, I'm back on court this saturday for training at VJC. I miss all those people whom I always see at trainings. PT, Hui juan, Charlene, Seok Kuan, Ms Lim, Ms Teoh, Sui hui, Sok hong and still so much more. Weird why I suddenly mentioned their names though. haha.

I just had a sudden awakening or something. I realized that I'm 19 this year already and I have yet to achieve anything worthy to my name. I have wasted so much of my life away. I want to do something worthy! All my time were spent tackling my emotional needs and crap and daydreaming. I feel totally trash.

And then all of a sudden, I have been thinking alot of xy. I wonder how she is doing. I wonder how we lost this friendship every now and then. I wonder how much her appearance in my life has affected me, has impacted me. And then I miss her so much. I reminisce those times she spent with me when I was downright trash. I sincerely wish her all the best from the bottom of my heart.

Good night people~ :)

2009-04-01T22:54:00.003+08:00

SALLEH'S 21st!

Hi people! Last week was a really well-spent one! I attended about close to 3 birthday parties and it was my older sister's birthday as well. :DDD I totally enjoyed them all. But of course, with all these parties and birthdays, it came along with a price tag. hahahaha. I am bomb-broken now. hahaha.

So this vacation break has been a rather meaningful one, I would say? The past few had been spent working and working and working at stupid ritz. haha.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead for me after graduating from TP. That said, it's not that bleak after all. :D

Bad bad matthew. He played an sms prank on me just now, it kind of shaken me up but still I knew it was a prank afterall. HAHAHA. I'm so smart. hahahaha. I know there are some people in this world who dislikes self-praising and you know who you are. haha.

Michelle's flying away soon. :'( I so don't want to go see her off when she's flying off the very day. Ugh. I guess that's life.

-charlene signing off~

2009-03-27T21:05:00.002+08:00

Hello fellow countrymen and relatives and ....... hahahaha. I think I'm a little hyped up at the moment. Sorry. I just realized I had promise him to blog like a few days back before we went out and here am I blogging now. And now that he's not here in sg, it makes me all the more eager to blog since I can't help these endearing thoughts. Anyway, next paragraph. :D

Yesterday was BBQ at ame's condo. It was rather good catching up with friends whom you have known since the old days. hahahaha. There are just these warm feelings you get from talking to them and catching up, these close and much-cherished ties. :D Then, debbie came along quite late in the night. I ended up talking and ranting to her for close to 2 hours I think? It's great how easy and comfortable you get talking to a very good friend. That sort of feeling, I can't describe. Anyway, I was rather moody thereafter. :S

I miss him. Yet, there's these things which I'm just so not comfortable with. Sometimes, I feel like I'm lying to you when you tell me about the things I told you about which I don't recall telling you. Perhaps it's because we barely know each other that much yet. I don't want to let go because of some stupid reasons. Too fast, too furious? Yes, I do admit that I need my space but that doesn't mean that I don't need you all the time. Constaints, constraints. I try to understand and accomodate to some point of agreement. Anyway, I miss you all the same. I'm sorry for the rantings.

Cheerios. :D

2009-03-13T23:53:00.002+08:00

OH GOD. Isn't this like so nice?! I want to get my hands on this! Oh god oh god. I wonder where can I lay my hands on this. It's produced in Japan. I'll probably have to get it shipped over here. :D I think I need to go work or save really hard for the next few weeks to get this. It's my new crush!

Thursday was good! I went out with matt! It was lots of talking, fun and abit of pictures. I suppose I shouldn't post up any of our pictures to protect the latter. hahahaha. imm~! *guess the code. :D I wished we were more than that sometimes. Anyway, everybody have fun this holidays! I'll post up relevant pictures when it's right. :D cheers!

2009-03-09T21:19:00.004+08:00

Hi! I'm back again after like 2 months or what? Anyway, I haven't got the mood to blog and was too busy with schoolwork too. :D Things have been rather good recently. I just participated in the Contiki Beach Netball Carnival yesterday! It was good, given all the sun and the exposure playing with well-known players as well as experienced ones. Oh ya, if you have mio tv channel 12, you might want to tune in a couple of times this week cause you might just catch my team and I being interviewed on sling HD tv! :D I got quite badly sunburnt, and I can't imagine how my team-mates burns are when they stayed in the sun for an extra 3 hours?! Anyway, I hope we all get better soon! ;D

2009-01-23T22:46:00.002+08:00

I hate your guts. Don't go thinking that you have done your part as a friend, being there for me when I was upset and everything else. I used to think and feel hurt that we have lost this friendship. It hurts to know that you couldn't even keep a simple secret that we both knew. I don't ever think we can turn back time and go back to how we used to be. And it just hurts how you do the things to hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder whether this world revolves just around me? Or is it just me? hahaha.

I am so ecstatic that I'm taking part in the upcoming contiki beach netball carnival in march! I can't wait! To get tanned everywhere! hahahaha.

Okay. Anyway before I end off, I thought of something like this. Not everybody who makes trouble for you are mean and not everybody who pulls you out of your crisis are good. It takes time and wise-ness to see through the ploy of everything. But of course, with enough time, good friends will be made and will stay with you for life. Hopefully. hahaha.

2009-01-01T00:37:00.002+08:00

I'm totally hating school. I'm so sick of trying and trying when it just ends up to nothing. Have you ever experienced doing something over and over again and each time you keep hope that things would improve but they don't? I'm so sick!

2008-12-13T11:05:00.002+08:00

Yay. The term tests are over! I'm so glad yet not very so glad! I think I screwed 2 papers out of the 4 of them. I feel so demoralised. But it's ok, I'll keep trying. Keep trying until I finally get them right. I just attended a OSH seminar this morning, it was quite redundant you know?! Most of the stuff the speakers said have been taught the past few weeks. I already learnt them. So crappy. I'm in school using the computers in the library now since I'm heading elsewhere in the noon. I'm growing very fat la! I just had japanese food yesterday and I'm going for some dinner celebration with my family tonight. FAT! is scary.

I think I know what's going on now. But do I exactly know what is going on actually? Why do you go telling people about me? Or is this all a conspiracy or ploy between you and the whole lot. Or is it? Or perhaps it's just me being plain sensitive about every single detail. I think so, and I hope so.

Yay. I can't wait to get my new phone in late jan! Hopefully there's no mistake about the upgrading of plans or else I'll go bang my head on the wall. hahaha. Ugh. I'm so tired. I slept really late last night. I barely had 5 hours of sleep, my eyes are so heavy. Alright, got to go!

2008-11-28T17:20:00.002+08:00

Wow. It's been months since I last updated hur. Everything's changed, so many things which are so not within my control. I'm losing my friends one by one by all the crappy shit I keep doing. Have you ever felt like going back to do the same thing again when you have been hurt once? Putting aside all the hurt and pain that comes along with it. This is so shit. Remember I have mentioned before I would abandon this blog since time would eventually change me and it would defeat the purpose of this blog? I begun blogging here with all the good vibes that I brought along with me from high school. And now all that's left of me are shredded pieces. I'm so broken.

My friends are leaving me one by one. Tell me what should I do. And it's not like I'm in the wrong. What have done actually? Am I even in the wrong? Why are you treating me with all these coldness and everything? That I won't even dare to approach you to strike up a conversation. Why are we even having this cold war because of whatever. I don't even know what's that whatever! *all's that mentioned is not referring to anyone in tp.

I just feel like breaking down soon. Everything crashing down on me. I don't like studying, I don't like doing anything anymore. All I want to do is sleep. And eat. And do anything bad. I hate someone in ChE in particular. I hate him so much I feel like slapping him. But rather, it doesn't really matter now. Cause everything's past and over, I hope.

2008-10-16T00:19:00.002+08:00

Yay. I had class bbq today! It was awesome! Though only 8 of us turned up! But. It was STILL awesome! Great. I haven't had such fun since I don't know when! I like social gatherings alot these days. It's super fun especially when I go crazy after drinking only ONE bottle of vodka. Actually, I think acting crazy is quite illusional for me. It helps to hide the pain that I keep inside. It helps to make me forget almost everything that makes me upset. And thus, I love doing and acting crazy. And afterall, seeing my friends laugh endlessly at the way I behave is great. hahaha.

Great, school starts next week. I seriously don't know what the hell I want out of every single shit I do. Please guide me, God. I thank you alot.

2008-10-12T20:04:00.003+08:00

Weee... The hols are coming to a full stop. I can't wait to go back to school to see all my classmates, Xuanyi and Michelle! I miss them aaalot. I got plenty of things to do before heading back to school. Sigh. And it ain't helping when I can't recover from my flu and bad cough! I have been sleeping alot lately, guess I should be recovering soon. All thanks to my late night working. Anyway, it's all over. I'm going back to school. I need to get new clothes! Sigh. I only have one more week to go shopping. It's too tight. Oh well. I shall see how. But I definitely can't cope with the clothes I have now. Can't.

Oh my god. I'm seeing someone new now. And he's so sweet. Just because I told him I was sick, he made herbal soup for me. Oh my god. My heart's melting. hahaha. And oh my GOD. He's attached you know! Great. I know this isn't sounding any good. But I'm just playing for time you know. I'm sure he feels something for me but I don't want to become a third party. It's shameful. Sigh. Pathetic fate of mine.

Looking forward to shopping! (=

2008-09-08T02:49:00.002+08:00

I am super duper tired right now. I just got home from work about an hour ago. Event today was a wedding as usual, was hoping for a lingerie or some celebrity event but there wasn't. Haha. The couple were both good-looking as well. Haha. I like looking at well-groomed people that's why. Oh god, my brain's not really functioning well at this hour. I need my sleep! I will continue next time. (=

2008-09-01T21:57:00.002+08:00

They say as long as you have many friends, you do not need a boyfriend. They say as long as you're independent, you do not need to get married. But are these really true? The past few days has been terrible as I plug on my earphones and reminisce the past times we shared together.

The other day I was at E hub together with deb and pat. We had lunch together and I went to the bowling alley with them too. After which I had to leave for marina square to meet my jc friends. I left and walked from downtown east to white sands alone. The feeling was really terrible, like nobody cared but deep inside I know that there are many who cares about me and I appreciate them. And it couldn't be any better when I had to walk the same route my ex-bf and I usually went. It was bad. haha. (anyway, this entry wasn't made to make deb and pat feel bad ok, they had been very nice to me the entire day) Yup, so I just got upset. (=

I am looking forward!

2008-08-30T23:30:00.002+08:00

Exams are finally over. Yay. Yet, I still don't feel relieved. My holidays are going to be filled with work and trainings. But no more idiotic studying. (= I think the mugging for exams the past two weeks has taken its toll on my health. I haven't been having proper meals and taking care of my stomach and now I haven't stopped having the runs and gastric problems. And my gastric can really hurt badly, to the extent I might even collapse. I am going to see the doc tomorrow though. It's burning inside now. )=

Well well. My dearest xuan yi is going fly off the week after next to thailand where it is so chaotic curently. I am so going to miss her so much, her nonsense and boogey eyes! HAHA. xuan yi xuan yi xuan yi!

Training today was alright. We played indoors. I wasn't in the right form to play anyway, my stomach was hurting. I umpired sitting down halfway, well not exactly umpiring since I haven't really learnt the ropes. Haha. I saw the pictures on facebook, the training in which we were having team-bonding games, they were so hilarious la! I really laughed my head off. Haha.

I want to go escape theme park soon. I miss the go-karts and pirate ship rides. Not to mention the haunted house too! hahaha. Alright, I need to go rest now. (=

2008-08-16T13:53:00.002+08:00

I had fom paper last night. The questions in the paper were rather direct I feel. Anyway, I was really blessed to have xuan yi by my side for the whole afternoon yesterday, studying with me. And not to mention debbie and karen as well. Through last night, I realized what good friends were. And also it helped to broaden my horizons a little to learn about how different everybody's lives were. It made me cherish my life better somehow.

Xy, thanks for being there for me to help me at everything. You are a really great friend and a really strong one. I promise to be there for you anytime too ok! Continue staying strong ok! Cause my turban is dirty! HAHAHA.

My good friend is telling me that you're no good for me, that you are a bad friend. And that her instincts told her so. And her instincts SELDOM fail her? And somehow I want to agree with her, I am very close to agreeing with her soon. Can you like wise up and stop being with someone who keeps hurting you? I know it's hard, but what's the point when she treats you like dirt? Like literally dirt? Where is your self dignity? You keep telling me of the things she does to you, from yelling at you in public and everything else, but haven't you realise the solution to all these? It's not that I don't wish to listen to your woes but it's the same old thing thereafter and after. What advices do you want me to give you? I really want to help you but I find it hard to do so, I can't understand you.

I really wished I could bring myself to tell you all these but I am so afraid, so afraid of hurting you. And it's not like I am very, very close to you. I really feel like washing my hands of you already. I don't know what do you want.

I had a fruitful session with xuan yi last night at mos burgers! We shall go out for more eating sessions ok! Hopefully again before you fly away to thailand. )= and many, many after you come back!!! (=

2008-08-14T00:44:00.002+08:00

I'm up and awake doing stupid et project. I'm so stressed out! I have a paper to sit for on friday and I have to hand up my reports on friday as well! All thanks to my bad time management!

I am getting afraid of being close to you. There are so many conspiracies, bitching and killing behind you and your friend's backs. I am very afraid that I would be your next victim. Your scapegoat. I don't want all these to happen and neither do I want to stop being your friend. I shall let things stay this way.

Oh god oh god. I thought some guy from ChE is real cute today! Only for today!

2008-08-10T22:01:00.002+08:00

I saw how vulnerable she was today. It kind of hurt me to see her so hurt over her previous relationship and not yet getting over it. I wanted to hug her tightly and tell her that everything's alright but it just doesn't make sense. I couldn't find any reason to convince her that everything is alright. )= There's so much taking place in her life that I can't really help her much but to lend her a listening ear.

I have one more sickening project to finish off before the exams! I learnt a little how lucky I am today. I can't wait for the holidays!

2008-08-07T20:56:00.002+08:00

Yay. I scored well for stupid uo1 quiz. That was like quite a long while after the last quiz I ever did well for. I feel smarter now. haha! That's dumb. Why do I only feel better with myself after I see results? So typical. Ugh. Oh my god. I wonder how much I am going to miss xuan yi when she goes overseas for her judo training for 2 whole months?! Oh god oh god. I'm so going to break down I think. )= sigh.

I wonder what's happening in your life. Just when I wanted to leave you alone, you came back for me. I wonder was it because she really left you already or was it because you could stand her no more. It would really hurt to know that you were back for me only as a back-up plan. I really don't know anymore. I hope that you are happy even though I disliked the way you treated me in the past. Let's stay this way.

dumb shit. you treated me like shit today and I would return you all your shit right at your shittie face one fine day. you shit boy. (=

2008-08-04T19:31:00.002+08:00

Had a photo shoot this afternoon at school, somehow I found the whole concept of photographing us quite amusing. I thought that I would have a lot of fun but it was otherwise, alot of time was spent setting up the place and selecting models. Perhaps the whole idea of a photoshoot was no longer refreshing since I had done one with the screens and everything before. I would like to try walking down the runway at least once in my lifetime. haha. That would be so interesting. It was really slipshod today.

My exams are coming at the speed of light! Sigh. I really need someone to confide in, not the ordinary people who will not be able to accept me for who I am. Somehow, I feel really suffocated. Like I am not able to tell but I really really want to say it out loud and clear. And it's not like I can help it, those ugly childhood memories come back to haunt me occassionally. I wish, I wish I could help myself with all these. But it's not like it's alot but just merely one sickening, bloody problem.

2008-08-02T21:14:00.002+08:00

This is madness. How come I find that I can't be getting enough rest? I just had training this morning, it was really hot and I got slightly sunburnt. Uh, whatever I never get really tanned anyway. haha. I really can't understand, whenever I play on court I'll be wondering whether I can intercept the balls or perform and I'll be really afraid if I can't do so. I'll panic or go into fright mode. Sigh.

It has been quite happening at school. Classmates have been getting into fights and smashing each other's faces and losing their dignity and every shit else. I can't really understand why guys get into fights over some 'face' issues or perhaps dissatisfaction with one another.

I am really heartbroken this time. But I have gotten through this. I don't even know why am I this heartbroken when everything was just a foolish act on my part. I thought that we were both at this game. Yet everything was just my own calling. Thank god I got through yesterday cause' I really, really thought that it was the worse day I ever had in these few months. Emotional crisis. haha.

I am so going to leave you to handle everything else yourself. You can stop telling me that she isn't very nice to you. Don't tell me that no guys will like you if you meant just to gain sympathy or get me off my guard. I seriously don't know what the shit you want out of me. You blow hot and cold towards me like there's no tomorrow and it makes me wonder whether it was wrong to be so nice towards you. All the laughter and fun we had in the past is so distant and no longer vivid in my memories anymore. Go have fun with your CC. I wish you true happiness, my dear hee-ha friend.

2008-07-24T21:09:00.002+08:00

TIRED... this week's another crazy week! I screwed up several things, my quizzes and presentations. I wonder when do I do things right huh? I am so tired of the ongoing workload in school, everything is going so fast. I can't catch up! I feel like venting my anger out on the court or go play squash. Oh ya. I heard TP squash courts are haunted. HAHA.

CRAZY day at school today! I laughed like 3/4 of my lessons with xuan yi around me? That stupid girl sure has to stay 3 metres away from my surroundings or else I'll giggle the moment she appears. haha. It's like she's carrying some laughing virus which only I am not immuned to. What the shit. And I can't stand aik leng calling me 'chicken' everytime he sees me around! Stupid scum! HAHA.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to leave things like this? I am going to go crazy soon. I can't control!

Taking a break from this game.

2008-07-20T13:54:00.002+08:00

My entire body is aching since I got up from bed this morning! Ugh. Have you ever experienced having to get out of bed when your whole body is sore and painful? It was the same exact feeling!

Yesterday's training was rather vigourous for me I would say. I started off warm-up with my coach as my partner and I was breathless after that. I could die to catch my breath. haha. Court games were good too except that I could have done better jumping higher to intercept balls. Yay, received my beautiful netburner shoes yesterday. It's white with a glint of bright green across the back of the shoe. I simply love it. (:

I have got so many tutorials to do and work to catch up on! I need something to get me fired on. I can't find the heart to do my work these days, I wonder why. Alright, may I find the fire after a quick nap!

2008-07-17T20:27:00.002+08:00

Gosh. This week has almost passed by with a blink. This is incredulously scary. I can't imagine growing up so quickly. *screams! And exams in a few weeks time! I have no time for any games.

Just yesterday, I was having a tutorial session with zack siew and he mentioned how 25% of the population will die of cancer. There were around 16 people in the class and he pointed out that 4 of us would die of cancer. His facial expression was really solemn and he got everyone into the 'deathly' atmosphere. Then he further elaborated about how cancer kills us one by one. It got me thinking if I were the one who contracted cancer, how would life be for the people around me and myself?

He smiled at me today! I was ecstatic! ((((((:

You are game on!

2008-07-14T20:31:00.002+08:00

Ohmygod, I am so sleepy now. Finally went to see the doc today for my annoying flu and sore throat. Doc was kind enough to give me one day MC for tomorrow, still wondering should I skip fom tutorial tomorrow. I went to the toilet this morning and to my surprise I found a number of red bumps on my thighs and leg, scared the shit out of me. Thank god I asked the doc just now and she said it was nothing, just some skin irritations. (:

Had lab the entire day. Labs are always so interesting and fun. I am not referring to the practicals but rather getting to fool around in class. I love tickling adorable ang wei chin, I so look upon him as a younger brother. haha. Then there was eugene, scaring me with the bloody stick from the murky bucket of water. Also, there was cute dixie who was always trying to do something funny. haha. Made a new friend today! She's christabella. She's really hyper occassionally and rather random when I first started talking to her, an easy-going girl. (: Kasturi, han yi and su ying were sweeties too. haha.

My head's so heavy now. I guess the medicine is taking effect now. I feel like dropping my heavy body onto the bed now. ZZZ. (:

2008-07-11T20:37:00.003+08:00

Now I exactly understand the meaning of loneliness. When everybody gets so busy, there's very few whom I can approach to talk to. My best friend is attached and is packed with so many things to do(since she has to maintain her studies) that she hardly has time for me. Funny xuan yi is overseas doing judo. My parents are busy with work. My sisters are busy with their own stuff. At the end of the day, it's just ME and me. I want to talk to michelle but like I have said, things aren't the way they are no more. Anyway, she's always either talking to her darlings or busy with projects. I can't explain, but I am getting to see her more and more as an elder sister. haha.

Perhaps I should go and get attached again? Wow, I can't believe I am saying this so randomly (like it's some sort of plaything). I saw him today again. When I looked him in the eyes, all I saw was solemness and not any sign of adoration at all. Then it struck me that it was just plain foolishness on my part. All I wanted was a smile from you but it's like a big burden to you. Forget it then.

Training's tomorrow, but I feel so tired and sick right now. Ugh. I am going to drag myself to vjc tomorrow morning. It beats having to do the housework every saturday morning. Heh heh. (: alvin, alvin, alvin ...

2008-07-10T19:32:00.002+08:00

I'm so sick now, well not exactly very sick but I'm down with a bad flu and sore throat. Lecture quizzes are around the corner, I have so much to catch up on. My weekends are going to be burnt up because of this. Well, I don't actually have much to blog about. Life has been rather mundane, going to school, attending boring o' lectures and then I'll be back home doing tutorials or wasting my time away. But life wasn't any better when I was in a relationship with someone I didn't love anyway. I am not trying to be arrogant here, please do not misunderstand me.

This might sound abit hilarious and maybe ludicrous. Some guy sent me a message last night telling me that he dreamt that he made out with me at a hotel. haha. I was laughing my ass off after I read the message. But it feels kind of good to think that people fantansize about me. I think I am mad. haha. (: anyway, this guy is attached for goodness sake. Bad boyfriend. He's a good friend of mine.

Ugh. Two more projects to handle before I am done! I wonder how many people visits my blog on the sly and never tags. It's a bit scary isn't it? Here I am writing about my personal stuff and people (some I don't even know), come reading about my life. But isn't the blog used for voicing out loud? haha. How very contradicting. Alright, I got to do research on some stupid project now. Shall update another time. (:

2008-07-07T02:53:00.003+08:00

Look at the time now. I just got home from work about an hour ago, sitting in my living room staring into the laptop with blood shot eyes now. The darn silver eyeliner I put on is really irritating, the glitter are always entering my eyes. Today was a wedding event at work. I saw many gorgeous people and I even served some of them personally. There was this particular lady in her mid-twenties I think whom I was serving at my table, she looked like Andrea Forseka. Oh god. I tell you, I would die to les with her. haha!

I made a new friend. This stupid guy named Alvin was really funny la, he kept disturbing me (he said this guy I knew said I looked like a GUY?!) and asking me to smile BECAUSE I look really fierce when I don't. (I know I have a kiampa face) HAHA!
At first, I thought he look like any other regular guy from nowhere then he started his cutesy small talk and we were like bickering over every little thing. Oh my god. I hope he works again next week or soon. Though I don't know when I would be working again. Work was rather bad today BUT alvin brightened up my day! haha.

I just finished reading a rather long email from someone whom I had admire since I was 14? After reading her note, I feel as if I have gone back to being a little girl again. haha. (: It's the same feeling, like how she's always trying not to tamper with my fragile feelings? She gives me strength and confidence when I need them. She's part of the reason I have learnt to mature and grow up. (even though I still love fooling around, haha) And for everything that you have taught me and told me, I thank you for life. I'm sorry for being a constant worry for you during trainings. (:

2008-07-05T16:33:00.002+08:00

Oh boring life I have. I just got back from netball training at vjc not long. The sun was really hot this morning, I perspired like mad and my cheeks are red now. Let me comment a little about today's training. Court games were good but I was a total fool during team drills. I can't imagine how stupid I looked when she had to come over to help me. I don't understand but I can sense that she's trying to give in to me, helping me discreetly or something. It's like I am weak in her eyes. I'm not saying that I am not, but. Sigh.

Yay. I can't wait to get my asics netburner shoes and my nike apparels. I can't wait for Pesta Sukan Carnival too. Then I can watch how all the other clubs play and learn from them. Not to mention that my *seniors from team TP netball might be playing as well.

Stupid how it seems. I bet you will never know that I have a crush on you.

d.

2008-07-03T23:26:00.002+08:00

Do you know how great is a day today? I am still having the runs since I last ate YONG TAU FOO from ITAS last friday! I was arguing with leslie last friday over how xuan yi and the rest were alright after eating the yong tau foo at itas AND now I'm having the RUNS! crap. I shouldn't fight for anybody's rights from now on. haha. And to think I wore white pants today, thank god I didn't shit-ted on my precious white pants. hahaha.

I had another crazy day at lecture with xuan yi again! We were laughing at these two girls from another class who were sleeping during Jiang Li's lecture! One of them looked like she was zombified sleeping with her stiff head and arms together with her slouched back. And the other had her body all slammed over the table! hahaha. So funny I tell you! (*imitating xuan yi) hahaha.

I don't know why but now and then why I see you around, the feeling seems to linger lesser and lesser. It's like dissipating soon. I'm waiting and waiting, waiting for you to approach me and we can be great friends followed by lovers. But it seems so impossible for you to do that. You laugh as if nothing matters to you in your eyes when I'm right in front of you. TRAGEDY.

Oh great. Can you see the big difference in my emotions from the above post? I was feeling so hyper and lifted earlier on and when I thought of you, everything went down. Sigh sigh sigh. Keep smiling if it makes you happy! (:

2008-06-30T18:54:00.002+08:00

I saw him today again! I really really want to get to know him better. But it's so hard sometimes when we seldom get to see each other. ): I misssssssss him! Or do I only want to own him? haha. I have no idea. I pray that he keeps a place for me in his heart. I would be so heartbroken if he really has someone he likes already but oh well, I can't control matters of the heart.

Hahaha. I'm going to include ang xuan yi in my post for today. hahaha. This little shit (haha) has brightened up my life over the past few months. She's always making me laugh like shit and crazily over the things she does. First, it started with the Kuan Yin Biscuits at the library then ... it continued until now. hahahah. Haiya. She has alot of crap to entertain you about, not to mention that she's rather intelligent as well! hahaha. Okay, please continue staying in my life to entertain me ah! hahaha. You would replace dearest Michelle who lied to me about cutting her hair which broke my fragile heart! hahaha!

Oh ya, to think that everytime I think of what I shared with Michelle, I would curl up in a little ball somewhere and cry you know! (Ya, like I'm a little cat!). hahaha. (You wish!) hahaha. Oh no. I think I have gone crazy blogging since I started mentioning about crazy xuan yi! hahahah!

Cheerios. I am going to love all those who love me. (: i am going to change.

2008-06-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

Would you rather have a complicated but exciting life OR a mundane and carefree life? I am lost between the options. Anyway, I just live life as it is. Taking each day and step one by one. Some people plan ahead but never live to fulfill their wishes. However, there are some who never plan and live life aimlessly. It's weird how life works huh.

I miss talking to Michelle on the phone. I miss her clicking tongue. I miss her voice. I miss her stupid but funny English-accented mandarin. But things aren't the way they are anymore. I don't know why, but I guess she's changed. We were never at the same platform in the first place. I guess she would have never guessed how much I miss her huh. I shared alot of secrets with her. It's alright, people change and I just got to adapt to it. (: I have accepted it.

Why do people change when they get attached? Does falling in love make them lose their senses? I really can't understand. Oh well, got to wait till it's my turn to fall head over heels for the guy I like then. Then I'll know the difference and seek understanding. Oh wells. I am currently having a big-time crush on this guy who's really cute! I guess he's got a sweetheart though. ): but I hope he stays happy. (:

2008-06-22T17:58:00.002+08:00

I am so stressed out with the on-going projects and due assignments! I can't stand it, I have a project presentation tomorrow and I have not done the powerpoint slides yet. Ugh. Projects sucks. Oh well, just got to keep staying strong.

I had netball training yesterday morning. Training was fun yet quite demanding? Court game was excellent, I felt satisfied since a very long time during the first few quarters of the game. However, last quarter was a bit awkward for me though. It's hard to describe and contemplate when my emotions do act up. I don't really even know myself. To sum it all, it was a rather good day yesterday. haha. Other than spraining my ankle, that is. I have two sprained ankles now, both of which are still giving me problems when I play on court.

Alright, got to finish up darn projects now. Life's giving me its ups and downs! I hate the downs just like the bloody roller coaster. (:

2008-06-19T20:57:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I like to laugh. And I am going to start this post by laughing to myself. I think I am insane. I laugh when I'm happy; I laugh when I'm sad and I can laugh when I see the world collapsing slowly in front of me too. It's as if nobody cares, at least I can't feel that anybody is.

I needed some space by myself to organize my thoughts and feelings so I created another blog personally to pen down my upsetting story. I haven't been updating over here though.

Sometimes I think I am strong enough to manage by myself but very often I fail at it terribly. Externally, I don't want people to care but deep down I yearn for affection and attention. I guess I have been brought up this way and I can't really change now. I hate being sensitive.

Every night, I pray for God to lend me his listening ear and guidance because I fear crying when I go to bed. I need a pair of listening ears. Perhaps there was one and I really enjoyed talking to her too much and you could guess the ending. I felt that it was pathetic even though we are still friends currently.

Sigh. I helped Mabel with her filming today at a tanah merah flat. I don't know why but I felt that the flat was kind of eerie. But anyway, made a few acquaintances with Mabel's friend. (: they were quite nice.

It's prayer session now. (: haha.

2008-05-13T21:46:00.002+08:00

I'm going to go insane soon! Why can friends do such things to another? I'm going to go mad! I am hurting like crazy. I need a tranquilizer to stop this pain. I don't want to go on like this.

I need a fresh start to everything. I don't want to hear anything! Perhaps I am too sensitive but I don't care. This is just me. This is not referring to you, Vincent. Ugh!

2008-05-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

Please stop being childish. I will be only affected by it for a while and soon it will just be swept away like the wind. I'm sorry for hurting you. You can do whatever flirting and lovey-dovey with other girls anywhere, but please don't do it right in front of me and our friends. It just doesn't make sense anymore.

I miss talking on the phone with michelle like crazy. She's just like my listening ear. (: looking forward to seeing her in tutorial class tomorrow!

2008-05-10T01:00:00.002+08:00

Alright, everything has come to an end. Although I do feel some ease from the relationship, I do get flashbacks of our memories. Haha. I'm speaking like I have just lost my memory or something. I'm feeling abit nostalgic now. Ugh.

This is so crappy. I feel that this blog is so redundant already.

2008-04-25T22:00:00.002+08:00

School's started and a week has passed. I feel extremely irritable now, I end at 6 pm almost everyday. I'm going to go nuts! I love going to school though, my classmates and friends. haha. I'm tired, I'm so tired! Sigh, sometimes I laugh so crazily to cover my emotions. I am speaking so random now. haha.

I am going to explode soon. I am not saying that you're not right or being right. I just don't feel right. Tell me why am I feeling this way when I can't even explain it. There is un-foreseen pressure to make this work and you do not see it. Ugh.

2008-04-13T22:30:00.002+08:00

Great. I find it so hard to sleep tonight. The night is chilly and it brings me much nightmares. As I get older, I find things getting more complicated as it goes. They don't seem as simple as they are anymore. And I hate it! I'm super pissed off tonight with everything. I am confused with myself and everyone else!

Some things aren't meant to be vented over here. Some things aren't meant to be said aloud. BUT I would very gladly like to say some things that aren't meant to be said! I am so mad with myself.

2008-04-13T13:30:00.002+08:00

Oh god. I'm so going to miss working at Ritz Carlton banquet even though some unpleasant things took place over there. I miss my funny colleagues and supervisors. And most importantly, I'm going to miss not seeing Joanna! She's so hilarious la. We're always making fun of each other and there's some point of chemistry we share. haha. Ugh. I miss her!

Chapter 1.3 now. I went out with Vincent last thurs. We went to his cousin's place at clementi to look at his nephew and to have lunch as well. His cousin's rather humourous looking too. haha. She looked like ler siok ghee from ChE. AAHAH. Anyway, I had fun with bryan, his little nephew. He bonded with me very well! I even helped to bath him! haha..Aftr that his cousin sent the both of us to Orchard to do some shopping. I bought a top and a pair of shoes. He bought a box of royce chocolates for me! (: He sent me home after that. Overall, it was a fun day out with him, playing with his i phone too. haha. tata!

2008-04-08T23:10:00.003+08:00

Sigh! Haven't been blogging lately. I have been busy with the netball team at punggol sec, the girls are so rebellious at times. But come to think of it, I do enjoy coaching them occassionally. I get a small sense of satisfaction everytime the little ones get what I want to bring across. But that's not all about coaching, I realized coaching is far harder than I thought and I am not up to mark yet. But that aside, I have many other things to deal with too.

I have not met up with him for close to a week now. I wonder what are the differences between us now. Sometimes I feel that he is giving in to me too much that it seems out of the ordinary. Anyway, the guys never had it easy with me in the first place. HAHA! Uh. I am so confused now. I am looking for the word 'CHEMISTRY' in our relationship!

2008-03-31T22:48:00.002+08:00

HELLO! i'm here with a new blogskin. Got sicked of the previous one anyway. I'm so happy now. I made a rather good friend at work, her name's Joanna. She's always bickering with me most of the time. Haha. So hilarious.

Yesterday was awesome. I celebrated Vincent's birthday at Breeks @ Marina Square in the afternoon with a group of classmates. We had tons of fun and took aplenty photos outside. Then I had to work. It was midnight when I knocked off and he came to look for me to celebrate his birthday again, with a strawberry tart from Canele cafe I think. It was very sour. We took a cab home then and I had nearly wanted to puke in the taxi because of car sickness I guess. But I did not. haha. Then my surprise came! He gave me a cute teddy! I love it to bits man. So cute. haha. But I was dead tired so I talked with him a little and got home. Overall, it was an exciting day I guess.

And so that was the end of chapter 1.2 of my life with ahem. haha. Chapter 1.1 is currently not available. haha. tata!

2008-03-19T22:23:00.002+08:00

Two weeks have passed since my examinations. Well, to be exact, I think it's three weeks already. I don't really know what to blog about actually. So irritating. I had to work today initially. I made a booking last week and the stupid ahem hotel denied my access to work today! Due to their over-staff! The ahem supervisors there are darn tiko okay. I feel disgusted sometimes.

I miss having a dinner gathering with my family and close friends. It has been quite a while since we did that. Sigh. Everybody is so busy here and there in Singapore. I need to go get an outfit soon, got to attend a birthday party on 7th April. It's quite stressful though. hahah.

Alright. I'm feeling so sick and tired of this blogskin. Going to change it very soon. Cheerios!

2008-03-10T21:48:00.002+08:00

Oh. I got it wrong. Release of examination results will be on 13 march instead. One more extra day to my doomsday. Haha. Today was mundane and boring, I did nothing extraordinary but just plain sleeping and watching television. I got up late anyway. I'm getting more lazy ... Ugh. I'm going to gain pounds like this. I think I have gained some anyway but I still feel a nonchalant about it. (wonder what's wrong with me)

When I'm left at home to rot and think about my life, I never fail to think about the past. There are some things which I still regret doing until now. But who doesn't have any regrets? We cannot be satisfied.

Perhaps I shouldn't ponder so much on things which are beyond my control. I cannot control the people I will meet. Sigh. Should I cherish the one before me currently? I cannot find the chemistry I shared with * when I'm with him. I still don't feel entirely comfortable when we are together. And I think I have committed a sin in the game of love. Ugh. This is not a game. wake up!!

2008-03-09T21:00:00.002+08:00

Ugh. The semester's examination results are going to be released this wednesday! I freak out thinking about it. Haha.

Yay. I started working at ritz carlton banquet already. With the help of chew ling, it was much easier for me to fit in. Haha. She had this really pretty friend whose name was called Shiling I think. She looked like the korean actress Song Hye Gyo. I was quite stumped when I met her. Haha. Anyway, the people working there were quite friendly and nice. I am looking forward to my next booking. (: heh.

My stupid Dad bought my sister a laptop at the IT fair! It's no fair! But come to think of it, I have no need for a laptop yet. Ha. (: cheerios!

2008-02-28T23:56:00.002+08:00

Hi everybody!

My exams are officially over! Yay! Yipee! I feel so lethargic! I had like barely 5 hours of sleep each night since the beginning of the exams. I'M TIRED, TIRED, TIRED!

I'm starting to feel blessed lately. It's not like the past anymore. I don't want to go back to the past anymore. At least now I know that someone will be there for me when I'm upset or in a dilemma. At least now I know someone cares for me more than anyone else(except my close ones). I'm happy as it is.

I'm going to work again. It's the hols! I'm contemplating on going back to shangri-la to work as a waitress again. Damn. They haven't sent me my modelling photo too. I want to go retrieve it from my supervisor then. hahah.

Alright, I'm going to sleep now. So beaten out la. (: cheers!

2008-02-02T10:59:00.000+08:00

Finally! The week is over again. But I know that there will be many weeks that will be over in this lifetime so you know, this is quite redundant. haha. Unless I die tomorrow. Oh great. I had my presentation yesterday. It was damn nerve-wrecking. I was so bloody scared shitless inside but I had to control my emotions and remain calm. I thought I spoke some rubbish or shuttered during the presentation, however my friends thought I did quite well. Anyway, I was quite happy with everything that happened the day before until last night. My stupid father had to quarrel with me over his damn stupid new phone. I had been wanting a break since I don't know when. Yet, the moment he got home, he expected me to settle some of the admin problems in his damn PHONE! I hate it when people keep pestering me over something which is minute in nature. And most importantly, he can settle the stupid problem himself! Damn it. I'm not going to talk to him properly until he realizes that he's dumb for everything that he's done. I don't care.

Cheerios. (:

2008-01-27T20:35:00.000+08:00

Oh great. The tiresome week has passed, I just had a very short break from the weekends and now another exhausting week is up ahead. I'm just praying for enough rest so that I will not fall ill. I have two lecture quizzes this thursday, a presentation and a project due this friday. I want a break soon! Thankfully, the chinese new year hols are around the corner. But soon after that comes my semestral examinations! Ugh. Staying positive with * with me. (:

I had to do community involvement program (CIP) yesterday. It was tiring and time-consuming but worth it. I made new friends and had tons of fun plus laughter. haha. I like my classmates. (: heh. They make me feel happy around them.

I can't wait for CHINESE NEW YEAR! I haven't had a decent meal gathering with my family for months. It's so fun to sit down at the dining table eating steamboat or whatever (as long as we are happy) chatting and laughing and enjoying one another's company. haha.

Oh. I want to get a new toy for my little hamster, Bo bo. haha. It's so adorable and fat la. Besides, it's the year of the Rat! It deserves something. hahaha. Okay, see ya! Bon sejour!

2008-01-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

Wow. I have not been blogging for centuries to come! haha. I have been slogging my guts out the past few weeks. I'm like a worn out sponge now. Sigh. Alright, so many things has taken place. I feel a little sick in there. I don't know what Guy B is thinking and what Guy A is doing. I feel a tied knot in there and it is not comfortable at all. I hate this sort of feelings. It's neither there nor here. I still can't really get over the past. I feel jealous and upset over what my old flame* is doing. Ah, haha. Sigh, forget it. All guys are asses in my eyes. I'm so sicked. I feel like becoming what I used to be, the abnormal one. Then only do I not feel this much pissed off and frustrated. SICK, SICK & SICK!

'not born to love at all

2008-01-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

all I can say is busy, busy, busy! Semestral exams on 22 Feb! Yikes!

2007-12-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

Hello. I feel so dreary and lazy today! Sigh. Sometimes I feel so useless and dumb and I hate myself when I feel that way. It's like I have got no brains or something. I wonder why when somebody tells me to do something, nothing goes through my brain to ever wonder why I have to do that way and I just go ahead with doing that. Because why? Everybody's doing it. Why, why, why?

I feel like I have accomplished nothing all these years. I feel unsatisfied with my life. It's not material wants that I seek for but goals that are attained with my hardwork. Why, why, why? Sometimes I stare at a question so hard, I feel like I can knock my head straight into the paper onto the hard concrete table and black out immediately. I want to do just that, do just that the next time and I will wake up to be lying in the cold hospital ward the next morning.

I find myself eccentric most of the times. I don't even know what I want. Sometimes when people ask me, "Charlene what do you want to do when you go out to work?" I can only blankly answer them what comes to my mind on the spot. I wanted to be a doctor, a pharmacist, a policewoman, a chemist, a coroner or whatever which can explore the dark side of life. I am mystified by things which are very dark and mysterious. Haiya. Okay. Cheerios.

2007-12-15T20:23:00.000+08:00

Yay, the term tests are over. But it's a matter of time before I will have to go back to school to face the music. I have been so bad, bad, bad. Sigh. Anyway, my holidays have been packed with trainings and projects. I'm trying to get used to it.

Sigh. Another bad thing. I went to the hairdresser's and she cut my long fringe so short! I look totally horrendous now. Urgh! Piggie. I have to wait patiently for it to grow back nicely again.

Oh yay. I played the psp the entire day! I love rpg games. You can spend 2 hours playing them without noticing that time has passed. And so that was how my time was passed. ha. okay. cheerios.

2007-12-07T22:51:00.000+08:00

Hi. I haven't been updating since I don't know when. I have been so busy that I can't even stop at my pace to do some soul-searching. I guessed it's all because of my poor time management and attitude towards my studying since the beginning of my poly life. I just can't start or stop sighing now. hahah, nevermind i shall reorganise my life once more.

I am feeling nostalgic now. I keep reminiscing the past. Somehow I feel really mad at 'someone' sometimes and occassionally I just keep thinking of 'someone'. It has been so selfish of 'someone' to leave me behind alone to fend for myself and to build new relationships when we were so close in the past. I feel weird without 'someone' to give me confidence and strength to carry on like how I did in the past. I feel so hurt that 'someone' is treating me this way. Urgh. I can't carry on anymore. It's not fair to me even though I didn't cherish 'someone' in the past and I took him for granted. I pray to get over this soon.

2007-11-24T20:31:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating recently, been really busy with every-thing that I feel so worn out when the battle hasn't even began. Somehow, somebody's absence all the time has affected me and I'm kind of hit badly by his behaviour. But I'm trying to cope and forget. I'm trying to return to be myself all over again. That kind of chemistry we used to share and laugh over, I have never experienced it with anyone else yet. I can only return to be my old self again. But I just want you to know that I fell in love with you once and that was the last.

I want to go shopping! I want to get loads of tee shirts and shoes and .... more! hahah. I have got to go de-stress! Sigh. I want to change this damn blog skin.

2007-11-05T21:26:00.000+08:00

oh god. It's my birthday tomorrow! I'm one more year older now, and so are my parents. Sometimes, I wished I was peter pan who never grew up. Sigh. Don't you realized that as we grow up, we carry more responsibilities and burden along the way? I don't know why but I feel this way.

I am feeling so sick today. I fell sick two days back. Caught a bad flu and my nose's all blocked that my ear's affected too. But I went to the doc already, she prescribed me some stupid medicine which always made me so drowsy. Sigh. (: but I'm looking forward to getting my pink psp slim! heh.

I have tried scolding you and sounding you out even though sometimes I know I went abit too far. But you never learnt that if you failed one more time, i might never get to see you again in the class. We have distanced so much that I don't really know who you are anymore. I don't know why, but I feel that I should not be treating myself this way by hurting everytime I think of you. Therefore I have decided not to bother anymore.

2007-10-31T20:39:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,
I am getting more upset as each day goes by. I don't know why. I think I am in love already but somehow ... how should I describe it? Wrong feelings at the wrong place and time. I can't understand certain things in life. It's like I have been fooled by fate. He's still as happy as he is but I am not. He has gotten over what happened between us but I have not. In fact, I feel that he is even happier now without my control and everything. I used to be so manipulative of him, screaming at him as and when, and he time and again didn't got mad at me. I really don't know who is at wrong for my predicament. Urgh. I will just get over everything and focus on my studies instead.

~ i didn't know some words could be so piercing to the heart when it came from the people you loved.

2007-10-22T19:18:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday Ms Coral Lim! Today's marks the birthday of someone whom I had really admire since young. I only wish for her to stay happy always. (;

School started today with the morning drizzle which kind of spoilt the entire day. But anyway, lessons ended early and I brightened up again. hahah.

I saw somebody today who brought up tremendous emotions in me. Over the months, I come to realize that he is really important to me. He has brought so many happy memories into my life. I'm so regretting now. But I have to prioritise and understand everything now. It's so not right. I really don't know. I wished I can't be bothered.

2007-10-18T14:18:00.000+08:00

I miss the hotel alot. I miss the people there. I miss the people who thought highly of me even though I was not exactly. I miss the canteen where I sat for my buffet dinner regularly. I miss every single bit of the hotel. Even though I have worked there for barely a month, it seemed like I have worked there for ages. (: i love shangri la. and i will miss my friends who have shared the fun and laughter working there.

Some are looking forward to school reopening while I am not really looking forward to it anymore. At least for now.

Sometimes I pretend that things are alright but deep inside I am furious. If you think you deserve respect, please bear in mind that others deserve that same amount of respect too.

2007-10-13T15:20:00.000+08:00

School's going to reopen, I wonder whether I should be happy or upset. Anyway, life's just going to go on so I shall just face each day with a smile. (:

This holiday has been quite a fruitful one. I managed to hold down a number of jobs and earn quite a bit. So I had been hardworking this holiday. hahah. And I am going back to school with this same attitude.

Yay. I have work tomorrow! Work's never been so fun with friends and everything else. hahah. And it's 8 dollars per hour on monday! I'm going to work on monday! (: ok, see ya!

2007-10-06T00:34:00.000+08:00

Chalet was fun today. hahah. I had a ball of a time! But I am so tired and worn out right now and I have work tomorrow. I have a feeling that my health is deteriorating real fast because I keep having chest pains quite often these days. I haven't been to the doc though. And the pain is directly in the heart, like a short sharp and fast pain to the heart when I breathed in deeply. I think I might suffer from cardiac arrest very soon. Sigh, I am going to see the doc soon.

When I see others holding hands and being all lovey-dovey, I ask myself this question. "Am I not as deserving as that person right there to have someone whom I like and care for?" And I know the answer very clearly myself. I am of course more deserving than that person there! I just can't figure out what is wrong with me. I have tried very hard to be just like everyone else but this is like it's inborn in me. I can't help it. Perhaps I should just let someone else do the loving instead of me. Someone who is capable of just loving me plainly and not asking for anything in return. Because I am incapable of returning the love.

Yay. I am going to work tomorrow to forget everything else! I am going to see my eyecand-ies! hahaha! love them. haha.

2007-10-02T11:42:00.000+08:00

Yay!!! Chalet is on friday! I can't wait! I miss my friends and fun so much. hahah. Somehow I feel that I am not resting enough from my breaks in between workdays. I still feel very lethargic after a day's rest since sunday. Oh man. I was at Shangri-la hotel working when I met Mr Stanley Tan from Punggol sec who was attending the wedding banquet. So embarrassing. hahah.

Life seems to get on rather fine for me. Been really busy at work until dawn sometimes of the week. I have not been getting enough sleep huh. Hms. Something is amiss. I have to settle something before the holidays end. Sigh. Yup. Me signing off.

2007-09-27T19:41:00.000+08:00

Great. I am now a banquet assistant cum waitress at Shangri-la Hotel working my holidays away ... hahah.

2007-09-20T21:45:00.000+08:00

How frustrating. I accompanied salleh to meet his prudential friend at tanjong pagar mrt station. We spent more than an hour at his friend's office studying and learning about the policies. However, I was quite impressed what the policies can do for me. haha. Yup. We initially wanted to catch a movie at ps but some bloody misunderstandings caught itself between us and I decided to head home instead. yada yada. I don't want to state what went on after that.

I don't know but I feel that I really need to change and plan for my future myself. This is human instinct when a problem crops up anyway.

Somehow I feel that I have hid myself far too well that nobody suspects or feel otherwise except those whom I have told. Sometimes I just get kind of tired hiding behind this dark curtain in my heart. Sometimes I feel absurd or even dumb cos I know all this leads to nothing eventually. My body is aching.

=) let's just hope tomorrow's a bright and wonderful day!

2007-09-13T10:14:00.000+08:00

Life's so unpredictable. Last week was so bloody hard to pass and this week is breezing by. Hms, got my results yesterday and they weren't what I had expected, well perhaps not within my expectations. After what I have all gone through this entire past two weeks, it's like I have grown up a whole bit. I don't know. I just have been thinking alot about what's to life. I have also changed alot in terms of my character and perspective. I don't know what I want. Is grades everything?

It's like I am sitting in a very dark room with only a lighted candle in sight. I am waiting for someone or something to bring the candle to my side and pass me all its warmth and light. Because I am too weak to do anything anymore.

2007-08-31T21:50:00.000+08:00

it's teacher's day today. i bet we have brought much joy and happiness to our teachers by just visiting them at school. hahah. anyway, why am i blabbering about this issue? it just doesn't sound like it's coming from me. hahah. went back to punggol sec today and i saw some people whom i didn't really wanted to see so i scurried off first. ha. (:

why is it always the same thing? my parents are urging me to get a vacation job again! i feel so pissed off. i understand that they worry about me stepping into society to work but i just don't see their worry now. urgh. and there's like people who are telling me how much they are earning from their vacation jobs and how easy they got the job, i feel so freaked out! so frustrating! i just realized that i am a all-say-and-no-action sort of person! i'm useless! people please don't console me, i just know it myself.

2007-08-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

gosh, my exams are over finally. i am so exhausted and tired. i can literally drop dead on my bed right now. urgh. but i went shopping with debbie and salleh today! it was a very fruitful trip. ahahah. my feet hurts alot now though. i had my feet pasted with salonpas everywhere, ouch i'm such an old woman. hahah. (:

urgh. another setback for the day. i think i have to take a sub paper for my mass and energy balance paper, the paper today was so hard that i racked my brains until I wanted to weep on my desk. hms. life is so full of setbacks anyway. (: i have seen the lighter side of it. i'm so tired, i can't continue. update you soon! oh ya, i had seoul garden today!

2007-08-17T20:49:00.000+08:00

oh great. this semester's like nearly over? time just passes so fast that it's scary. my semestral exams are next week and i've barely scrapped through revision. urgh. and i'm going shopping with ame and perhaps mabel tomorrow? i feel so guilty and i'm afraid that i won't have enough time for revision and preparation. i will do some planning later.

i keep thinking that there's something wrong with me yet somewhere within me just tells me that it's ok and i'm alright. that i should just keep things as simple as possible. however, the simpler i keep things, the more i go wayward. anyway, i haven't been normal since quite some time ago and some people should know. hahah.

this week was a 'dying-down' time for things between salleh the biatch and me. hahah. i was like getting serious at my studies since my exams are around the corner but he kept fooling around to distract or interrupt me. it just gets quite irritating sometimes. but he's always at my beck and call which makes me like him alot sometimes too. hahah. we're both like little girls giggling at a corner when we laugh at other people in class. that's like so cute la. hahah. so sweet. oh i think i'm mad. haaah..