Melancholy drifts me away. The gentle push of the wind takes me far. I now see her face so flawless in my eyes. My soul reaches out & grasps her tight as if the dawn was unseen ever. The heart aches & breaks like shattered glass glistering under the intense light of the evening sun. I stood slightly fazed as I watch her deep intense eyes which once held so much love & adorement within disintegrate into beads of tears. We held each other so close that our hearts were beating as one. Our breathing being felt within the boundaries of our faces. Embrace was not a word to be mentioned nor did the love we felt for one another for even Mother Nature bestowed us a bedful of dark roses where we laid down and .....
Haha. The rest is for you all to imagine. Let your imagination run wild! Hees. Blogspot lags a little today. Hmph.

Somehow, I felt that I needed a change of font. I read a book recently and I thought that it had very nice usage of words and vocabulary. I loved the way the author used literature to bring across her thoughts and ideals. The way the author described actions and thoughts is simply beautiful. I can't help but aspire to be like the writer. I love literature alot. I guess I should have taken literature in the first place. I have the interest at it. Hah. Stupidity is engulfing my brain now.
I hate it man. Why do we have to look back and regret doing so many things we wished we had not done in the past? It's just like how I used to wonder why do people exist when I was just a mere 14 year old girl. Well. Perhaps when I was even younger, I had thought and pondered over that question several times. I had even questioned myself as to why there was hatred and sadness co-existing together. And why couldn't happiness and love inhabit* in the arms of the beholder? I think I have been distracted lately. Urrgh. Be gone with the wind. Take my troubles along.
Sometimes, it feels much better to be alone and liberate rather than having a companion around. I do not know why but I guess this character trait lies beneath my skin and I can't help it. I yearned to be like you.
Oh . By the way, the author of the book is Wei Hui. It's a nice book but kind of 'flashy' for people like myself and my age kind. Hah. See Ya.

woa. It's ten more days to the o's. Time really flies by in the blink of the eye, amazingly. Hms. I am really not ready to take the papers yet. I really am NOT. I have got to make full use of the time which have been laid ahead of me towards the o levels. It's my o level physics paper next thursday. Isn't this happening way too fast? I just feel like I never ever want to grow up.
I read a magazine at Deb's place today. It was a really awakening article about a girl who was blackmailed and raped by someone whom she had trusted on the net. The girl later found out that the person whom she had infatuated with on the net was merely a man who was in his late-thirties and had a pot-belly. And the man threatened to disclose and distribute the girl's nude pictures which she had sent him around the internet. This is really outrageous. I would have given the man ten big slaps and a full-blown kick in his groin supposingly if I met this person whom I have never seen or known of course. Hah.
Shit. I need more time! Sigh. I have got to go. Signing off.

I am so bloody tired. I do not know what's wrong with me. I have been sucked in by negative vibes. I feel negative all the time. I feel so dreary. There's like war brewing between two parties of friends in my life. Sometimes, I brood and wonder how come the once friendly friendship had sour. I was in the wrong. I should not have entered the friendship in the first place. Please do not place the blame on anyone else. It puts so much weight on me to just keep both parties from souring further. What is wrong? I keep on trying to make people happy, but in the first place, have I ever been happy or contented with myself? I remember Ms Coral Lim used to tell me that a person do not live to make others happy all the time, if one fails to do so, then thou leave it. All the burden, regardless of studying, social life and such, are showing their signs on my appearance.
I had kickboxing lessons today. It was really fun but really strenuous. I pulled a muscle in the event. My kickboxing instructor is going for an op soon so she will not be able to coach us anymore. This is really disappointing. I think the instructor will be switched to a male one who looks really scheming with his slit eyes. Hah. Hms. I shall get her a get well soon card. I do not know or understand why, but I tend to admire coaches. Irregardless of what they do. Perhaps because they are really respectable. Hees. Alright. I got to log off now. =) Take care people. Bless me and my loved ones. =))

Oh. It's another 17 more days to the month november and the scary O levels. I am really very terrified. I am not ready yet. I can not tackle the papers. But oh wells. I guess I will make full use of my limited yet really important last days before the o levels.
This year is a really unique year(you may call it) for me. The very first written paper for O levels falls exactly on my birthday. I don't know whether I should call myself lucky or what. But anyway. I shall make a wish then and hopefully it will be fulfilled. This year has passed really briefly. Several events took place and I got hurt really badly emotionally and physically. Hah. I did not attempt to hurt myself though. I guess I should learn from these events and never let them happen again. I think I have been scarred partially. Ocassionally, I sit down staring into blank space and I begin wondering about my past. Everything took place this year. And I have been holding and contenting myself all this while until now. Hmms. I really don't know what am I blabbering about. I am tired. Inject me with transquilizer and let me fall into a deep sleep.
` i have been keeping this secret within me for long

This is crap. I have never been this lost in my entire life. I do not know what the heck am I doing. I have contradicted myself! Oh. Please. I need a guiding light to guide me to the lighted pavement. Hah. I just found one. =]
Hmms. Only Shi Jing and I would be at school tomorrow. Lazy mabel and ame will be at home mugging instead. Hms. Chickens. Hah! But I will have shi jing all to myself anyway. And Debbie too. Hah. smiles. hees. but will miss mabel and ame too.

Heys. What the hell is wrong with you? What have I done wrong? Is being outspoken a crime only in your bloody tuiton centre? You think you are the only chemistry teacher in this humongous world? And besides you aren't very good anyway. Questions which you aren't even able to answer certainly, what is this? I pay you to be wishy-washy?
What the heck. Today was the worst tuition I had alright? I arrived at the tuition centre and we sat down to prepare for lessons. And since Vivien needed to get a worksheet, I helped her to get it out of kindness. And guess what that hussy said? ' You don't need to take for her, she take herself. ' What the hell is this atittude? Didn't the teachings of all earthly mortal beings taught us to be helpful? And here is a beholder of teaching trying to translate the wrong values? And what. When attendance had to be taken, how come my name wasn't in the list already? This just shows how inefficient the tuition centre is! And I actually had to show you my receipt which I so happen left it in the bag to rot. And obviously it was crushed up. I took the effort to flatten and neaten the piece of fragile paper and it had to be crushed into a paper ball by wei sheng! And worst still, it was thrown to bai lin who was sitting in front followed by the teacher. After inspecting the receipt, guess what that she did? She crushed the paper and asked bai lin to pass the receipt back to the girl whom has got no respect to actually crush the paper and pass it to the teacher. WHAT THE HECK MAN! IT WASN'T ME WHO DID ALL THAT! At that point of time, I wanted to stand up and shout at her directly in the face that I had not attempt to do all that. Yet, due to the unreasonable nature of her, I decided to content my fuming temper. I wanted to kick and punch and jab her in the stomach and face man. I am tolerating this manz. Yesterday she actually said that I was not FIT to take pure chemistry seemingly because I didn't know what is valency. Excuse me. Don't everybody make mistakes?!
The only fool who does not make mistakes, I would say, would be you huh? And you would be the only one who will not know what you have done wrong. Oh. It's no wonder sometimes you are so unsure of whether you were right at the questions in the first place. And what? I came in one month before the o levels examinations and you are unhappy about that? Face the reality man. As long as anyone has money, they have the right to step into your stupid class and sit down to look into your stupefied face. And why can't I be given the chance to work the last minute? What kind of logic is this? Your biasedness towards me is breaking me down!
You said you didn't like your students to talk alot. What kind of logic is that? You are depriving us of the chance to discuss and ask questions? And from what I heard from the other students, they could not ask very simple questions just because you didn't like it and thought that it was stupid to ask such a question. And that deterred them from asking even very simple questions. I don't understand it and YOU! Drats it. I have never been so insulted in all my life as a teenager. And guess what? How come I never had this problem with my school teachers except for the one and only 'exotic' and special you? Then I must say you are the NUT only in the exceptions of the teachers.
I am sorry if I have been too blunt in this entry. I had to release my tension or else I will explode in my dreams. Please forgive me, my teachers. Come to think of it. I have always respected and admired all teachers. This teacher has been a disappointment and screwed role model to me.
Well. I nearly cried in the class earlier on when she was chiding me. It was like the whole world was putting their blame on me. I hated it. I had done a disservice to myself by not standing up to arggue my stand. I will learn to be stronger.

Today, I had some talk with my friends from the other class. We were laughing away like nobody's business until they mentioned about 'him'. Questions about us being together and what had happened arised. I did not want to answer them but I just booted them out. But who cares. I know what I am doing anyway. You were a jerk back then and nothing changes the fact. They tell me that you still liked me and what not. What is the use? You were the first guy whom had hurt me the deepest. I don't want to say no more. But I have to.
I am messed up. If you don't want to be hurt, stay far away from me. Because I can not even control my own feelings. Furthermore, control my feelings for the people out there.
I made a pact. I do not know whether I will regret making this pact with someone who is so sincere in liking me. My friends say that another person is even sincere than the one whom I have made a pact with. And I should not be doing such a disservice to myself. I do not know how in the world am I going to look away when my exams are over. Perhaps I should not be thinking this much. My exams takes priority now. Or perhaps I should really become a bisexual. Hah.
I have got to go. I have got tuition. May God Bless Everyone. Hees.

Well. Today was an awesome day. I went outing with the JAM. It was fun. We had like sakae sushi for lunch and it was buffet! hah. I was really blown up after that. Hehs. But it was my first time eating in a japanese restaurant with the conveyor belt kind you know. I was rather curious about it at first. I just kept whipping up the food from the conveyor belt as if one's having ramen at a competition at first. hah. Then, we walked around the area at Raffles place before we ended up taking plenty of outrageously stupefied pictures of ourselves. hah. Especially me! JAM kept taking pictures of me when I was caught offguard! chicken. And one picture espcially, I looked like an uncouth/uncivilised girl sitting away. what the heck. But anyway. We went to citylink and walked to suntec city then. On the way there, we stopped by a little shop by the corner and I spotted a little salt and pepper dispenser which was made in a way they were figurines embracing each other with two eye holes where the salt came out from. I was rather upset about myself when i saw it. I left the figurines lying around somewhere in my house instead of appreciating it. It was $9.90 by the way. hah. speaking of money-wise. hah. But looking at the figurines again, I was reminded of Irene. I missed those times where we used to study together in the past and how we shared our secrets. hah. I guessed those times can still be retracted.
We arrived at suntec city. We did plenty of window shopping because we were penniless of course! hah. But obviously shi jing's the only one who is able to spurt on expensive books and stuffs. hah. Then we walked around and went many places. It was fun la. But it was kind of weird too. Shi jing kept on holding my hands at times and it just felt so weird. I guessed we both gave some people of the public some wrong impression though. hah. We baked ame cookies! hah. I thought that it was awful la. Because it was not crunchy and it was as though air had gotten into the cookies and made it that way. But amelia, it was our hardwork k. Please learn to appreciate it because it was baked at the expense of some things. hees. chicken. i got to go and finish up my homework.
oh by the way. Happy Birthday to Pei Ying. Apologies for not being able to make it for your bday celebrations today. My dad wanted me home by evening. I hope your dreams will come true and you will be prosperous! -.- hah. your parents give you more money. hah. But really la. Hope you will do well and get to the JC or poly you want to go. And Cherine and people. Sorry for not being able to make it. I really, really promise you all that I will make it the next time you all ask me out k. =)) take care people! Love ya all.

It has been days since my prelims. You may ask what is my feeling about my results. I have got nothing much to comment. I just blame myself for not realising the urgency and importance of the preliminary examinations and being complacent about almost everything. EVERYTHING. I got a very large L1R5 to think about it. And I don't think it's glamourous to mention about it. Mr Indra was asking me to seek my other subject teachers help to pull down my L1R5 points. But the thought of begging for better grades is just plain pathetic. I know that I missed the cut-out point for junior college by three and asking for three more points would not be impossible. However, since I am not deserving of the points because I had not worked hard enough for it, I shall not plead my teachers for it. My pride is just too much to contain.

`pride & self esteem me

(sigh. I can't compose a poem now)

There was not much accomplishment today. I slacked pretty much. But I shall be punished duly tomorrow with my day filled with A math tuition and kickboxing classes in the evening. It will be exhausting for me tomorrow. Hah. I'm trying to stay positive here. There's about like thirty more days to OUR o levels? Ya. That, I am certain. I am also trying to stay focused here. I did some planning in the afternoon today. It was kind of messy with so many things to do in this short one month.
However, I was kind of appeased that my parents are finally showing their CARE and CONCERN for me whose exams are approaching at the speed of light. Hah. I mean they have been showering me with love all the while but now it's MORE! heh hehs.
Well, I have not been reading alot to widen my vocabulary bank. I'd better do so now. =] hah. May the force be with me. God bless everyone.

Gosh. I do not know what is wrong with me now. I am engaged in negative thinking all the time nowadays. Where has my old, confident and positive self disintegrated to? Sometimes. I just wonder what is life continuously. Why is it sometimes when you work hard towards something, you do not always get it. And sometimes when you do not even want to bother about it anymore, you get what you want. If this is so, then why are we working towards our goals? It is contradicting. It is an irony.
Sigh. I am still lost within the spaces of emptiness. I only believe that one God exist in this world and I am praying to this one and only God of the universe. Please empower me with the faith and confidence to get through this. I don't have much time left. I am left with barely a month. Please.

I am so sorry everyone. I didn't know I had been such a letdown to all my close friends. I am sorry. I am dreadfully sorry. I was never a good friend. From the very beginning, I let down deb when we used to be very close in the past. And I left with the rest. And right now. I keep repeating my mistakes time and again. I am sorry. I can never be a great friend. No words can describe the abyss of apologies I wish to send out to each and everyone of you.
To JAM: I guess I have never been a good friend with the three of you whom have stood by me all these while yet I never realized your presence. I am seriously very sorry. Sorry for not being there with the three of you when the occasionwas meant for the four of us. I guessed I have always misunderstood the meaning of JACM. I feel so inferior when I am with you all. The three of you have exceptional results and vast talents. Yet, I am the little weakling wallowing in self-pity when I am with the three of you. The feeling isn't great. I can't understand but perhaps I still can't get used to JACM. I think I have been too emotional here. Thanks for being there for me when I am really down. Please remember that everything arised from me being fickle-minded and plain selfish. Please forgive me.
To deb: I am really apologetic to you too. As I said, I never was a good friend. I changed your impression of a best friend in life. I guess you will never understand the significant of a true friend since you have lost faith in friendships. And I am the cause of it. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I will make it up to you one fine day. I promise.
I don't know why. But my eyes are actually filling itself with tears and is at the verge of dropping down soon. I feel so guilty. After nearly sixteen years in life, I still never understood the meaning of friends. I never cherished my friends. Or perhaps, like you said, I let my pride and dignity get in the way and leave things to deteriorate. I feel so much like a failure today.

what's wrong man? what is wrong?! I am fed up and tired and frustrated of myself. At one point of time, it feels as though as I have given my best and at one point of time, it feels as though as I have not. Why am I not yielding the results? Why?!!! I am pissed off with myself. I just feel like breaking down . . . I am close to wits end. I am reaching my limits. There's so little time yet so much things to do. And what's the worst!? I don't know how am I going to go about making changes to improve my studying! I don't blame anyone. It's all my fault. I don't study hard enough. Yar. It's all my fault. I'm dumb so just accept it! Sometimes, I think that life is so unfair. Why can some complacent people not study and yet still score well? Where did the logic 'hardwork pays off ' went to? Where?! Say I'm jealous. Yes. I am jealous. I am jealous of people who are slip-short in their studying and still do well. I am jealous of people who can play tons and tons and still do well.
I am losing faith in myself already. I don't know where am I heading. I don't know where my stupid results can get me to. I am so afraid. And I am very scared that I will give up anytime. I have lost the belief in me. I am like a girl who's at the edge of a cliff. I will fall down anytime. And the numerous conflicts I am facing in between friendships aren't doing me any better. I am about to snap any moment. I am like sandwiched in between. Yar. Say it's my fault. It has always been my fault. And never yours. If our friendship were strong, no one could have came in and broken the bond. If our friendship were kind, there would be no hypocritism behind our faces. If our friendship were made with love, there would be no competition between us that were so intense that they were making us hate each other.
Yar. It was my fault right at the very start. I should not have left you out and went with her. Now that the both of us have seemingly went separate ways, none of us seem happy with being trapped in the past times. Well, perhaps you are happy with the way you are now.
` you never understood me the way the other did. it applys to me too.

`Hurray. A few more days to the end of the preliminary exams. * knock knock. Still got O level examinations la. I have been rather pleased with myself lately. I have been 'indulging' myself in the heavens of books. Hah. I have never studied this hard since sec two. But I guess there are still plenty of improvements to my way of studying. I guess my results will not be idealistic this preliminary exams. Hms. Sigh.
`Oh man. I feel your presence once more. I seriously don't know what I want in my love life. I would rather choose to ignore it. Ignorance is my best escape. I am lost in the ace of hearts. Somebody tell me what to do. Guide me. I am afraid of being hurt again. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Leave me alone if you can't promise me the love I need. I am a high maintanence girl. One of you is leaving for the ns soon. One of you dotes on me loads but abyss of differences lie between us. One of you has never stopped liking me but stopped recently. I hate this. I just sound like a bitch. I am sorry but I have promised somebody already. I know I am doing the wrong thing. But. I am basically lost and I need somebody to lead me. After my o levels. Please. I pray for the one I like to take initiative.
Hopefully nothing takes place and I proceed to my new phase of life. A new beginning, a fresh restart. I want to forget all the tormenting memories. I want a new meaning in life.

Yesterday evening, I had a vivid picture of reminsicing what I really regret doing in the past. It was a hurtful recount. I lost my mood to study for the geog paper today. However, I still went through with the revision.
I remembered a person who really did not meant alot to me in the past. However, now as think about what he used to do for me, I feel the guilt building up. He was rather romantic, giving gifts some expensive while some were adorable to me. We often met up and played basketball with only the two of us ... he often gave in to me. =) I missed those times. I still remember when you asked me whether you could hold my hands. Do you still remember if you are reading this now? I hate myself for not cherishing you in the past. Now everything's over. I assume you are already attached. Gosh. It's too late to be thinking about this now.
I hate myself for not sparing a thought for you when someone else whom I had infatuated since 2 years back, got back into the picture. I guessed I was foolish. However. Now I realized it has been you who had been patient with me and treated me with respect. Now I realized that without your presence, something is amissed. I won't ask for you to come back for me because I would be a total bitch to be doing that. I hope you will be able to spend my 16th birthday with me after my o levels.
Left one more week and my prelims are over. I have got to stay focused.

Hmms. I have been wondering ... Should I be feeling hatred towards you? They say that when you hate somebody, it means that that person means alot to you to actually hate that person. Sigh. I personally feel that the saying is very correct. Therefore, in order to not feel upset, you have to stop hating the person. Ya. I am putting the 'heavy bag' down now.

ouch. my right eye hurts plenty and tons! Drats it. I think I got an infection. oh man. whatever. Chicken. I failed my A math paper and it has affected me tons. Crap. I got to put in more effort now. I have not been revising my previous topics. I got an empty schedule for the entire day tomorrow! Anyone want to date me out? Haha. Nope. I will be studying away at home until the lights are out. Hms. I just can not understand why I can not hook up any inspiration to blog today. crap.
` i think i am nuts. I feel the urge to miss you again. I think I am missing your presence once more. And I hate this feeling. I hate it alot. I hate myself. I can not bring myself to forget you. This hurt has been carrying itself for long stretches of road for too long and I still can't let go. I know we can never be together. Never ... ever. Will you ever understand how much I feel for you. I have let all my care and concern to waste.

`this searing heartache

`will you ever understand my part?

`foolishness overwhelmes me

`you have forsaken me

` I yearn for your presence once more

please do not mistaken yourself as the person mentioned above to whom ever it is. this poem above is dedicated to someone whom I've ever loved so much. ppl. do not ask me about this. this person I am talking about is an invalid. ha. =) erased and gone with the wind.

oh man. what the heck. The english pro Mabel, actually doesn't understand my english language! Drats it. It seems like I have got to put my effort at the English Language. Chicken. I had physics mock exam this afternoon. And it was real panicky for me! I wonder whether the rest were feeling that way though. A group of my friends and I headed to Punggol Plaza for a change of taste buds during lunchtime. You see. We were supposed to be back at school by 1.15 pm but we were only allowed to leave school at roughly 12.20 pm. And within that brief period of 55 mins, we had to dine there and head back to school! Gosh. I was practically running my way back to school after I alighted at the bus-stop opposite our school and it was 1.35 pm then! We were late! Haha. I guessed I was making a huge fuss out of it though. When I arrived at the classroom to seat for the paper, the teacher made no comment about my late-coming BUT gracefully passed me my paper to do. Haha. I guess punggol sec teachers are just so CARING! haha. Alright, I have to do some preparations for the chemistry paper tomorrow. Signing off.

Last night, that particular someone miraculously messaged me once more. What's up with you manz? If you think it is real fun playing such games with me, I suggest that you find someone else to fool around with or visit a counsellor. What's the point of explaining things or clarifying things with me only one week after everything has happened? It makes no sense. And also your explanation is lame. What you forgot to add a 'haha' behind our last message? It's ridiculous. And how unobservant could you have been? Having not being replied or messaged you for more than three days, you chose to do nothing about it. And now you're coming back to message me again asking me to clear my doubts about you? What doubts could I have had? I have saw through you. That was the meanest message I've received from you. And you're asking me what has it got to do with your pride. Then I must say you're childish to a large extent to playing tricks with me. So what now? You want one more chance from me? If you want to fool around, please do not fool around with me. I hate being toyed around with though I know I toy with other people's feelings too. I can only tell you that we shall remain as friends forever. I have lost all trust in you. What's faith? I do not know the meaning of this word anymore.
Last night, something else happened too. Someone called me and wanted to talk to me about his problem. He was feeling so upset and heartbroken. He liked a particular girl for four exact years and his love has yet to be reciproate. And worst still, the girl whom he liked and stood by for four years liked his best friend. The kind of feeling he is going through must be treacherous. Just imagine waiting for ten whole years to get close to your loved one. Well, I had a hard time consoling him. Fancy me being heartbroken too and having to console someone else who is heartbroken at the same time. It just seemed so tragic and pathetic. Alright. I shall just give him my best wishes that he will end up with that girl eventually.
`I'm tired of the same old problem. If you can't get along with me, just shoo away.
I just can not understand why do I have to be so nice to some people. In order to prevent some guys from getting hurt, I give them the wrong idea and let them be gleeful for a period's time. And after that, I carry the guilt with me for the rest of my life. I do not want to hurt anyone nor do I want to be hurt myself. Yet, everytime I give someone that so treasured chance, he just do not know how to treasure it and instead he gets back to give me a stab in the heart. It is alright. Afterall, I am the one getting hurt dime after dime. And you will only be making me more headstrong. Do not blame me when comes one day you will be rejected blatantly by me. I have learnt my lesson and will not repeat my mistakes, though I am slow at it.