I am rather pissed off lately. Things aren't going right for me. Firstly, I was humiliated by a junior at the netball camp the day before. Right. I have lost all my self confidence and esteem. I had even lost myself. Pretence overwhelmed me as I played the one and determining game of the day. People were saying that I had been doing nonsense defending and such. What the heck man. Do you people know what I had gone through? No, you don't. Yes. I am a wimp. I can not even face it up to myself. I hate this. I hate life.
Today, my dad told me something that woke me up from reality. Well. I should not be mentioning those words here as they are provacative. Ever since the beginning of the battle towards the o's until now, everything and anything has changed. I can't accept the change. And now, things are getting harder and harder each day even though the books are aside.
My parents keep hinting me and asking me to look for a job. And I am desperate for one too. Yes. I am. I can't stand staying at home for the entire month of december! I wished I could have done somthing constructive since the o level exams. Darn it. I thought life was blissful and simply when I got the job at a restaurant but things were not as simple as it seemed. A beep from my phone this morning and it's *poof, gone flying. I hate all this. Where have my determined self gone to? Well. I want to persevere but something is bringing me down! This sucked. I will learn something new this december, I swear.

I am sorry. This is directed to someone who has been standing by me and have waited for me since months ago. I am sorry this did not work out. I am sorry I had to break this out to you today. But with the help of ame's eloquence, I breezed through it. I hope we will remain as friends and I hope that things will go smoothly for you in the future. I am terribly sorry for giving you false hope. And lastly, for not replying your message until the sixth one. I pray for you to meet a better girl. God Bless You.
I spend the last few weeks pondering over whether I should break the truth to him. It is dreadful. Fancy making someone pine for you for months and giving him false hope but finally breaking out to him that you weren't meant for him. I am dead guilty. However, I will learn. I will learn never to give another one false hope and that I will truly love the one whom I will be with next. Perhaps I do know how to love someone after all but ignorance seize me all. I promise I will learn.
`Man proposes, God disposes.

Something has hit me lately. Usually after the o's, people would be out enjoying themselves but I am at home recuperating. I fall sick last week while mugging for the exams. It is so sickening. Hms. I wonder whether I should head for prom tea tomorrow.
I have been staying at home lately to get in touch with myself once again. I realized that over the years, I lost myself. My true self. I do not know who I really am now. I often sit in a dark corner of my room and seek for a relief to who I am today.
`Accept what God gave you and appreciate what God left you.

Phew. Can you believe it? O levels are over in just a blink of the eye. Even I can't accept reality. Hah. I am so tired. I have never been so tired all my life. Been staying up late to mug for the exams for three days two nights this week. Last week had been much better. But, who care? O levels are over.
Well. I wonder what lies ahead then? I hope 'he' doesn't message me to prompt me to fulfill the pact though. Hms. I have got many exciting plans for myself. I plan to destress by heading out with my mom to do free shopping. I plan to learn how to cherish my friends by hanging out more often with them. I plan to head to the pub or club to see what's in for me. I plan to head to sentosa to soak up the sun. I plan to indulge in self-admiration and narcissism. I plan to hang out every weekend with my family. I plan to start flashing some cash at the counters. I plan to tour the whole of Singapore. I plan to learn a musical instrument. I plan to clean up my bedroom. I plan to have a really good meal at Sakae Sushi's. I plan to go shopping for clothings. Uh huh! I plan to shop for my prom dress! Darn it. Prom tea on tuesday. Hms. Whatever. I shall just laze away now ...

This is the last lap. I must push on and pull through. Light is embracing me bit by bit, I am beginning to feel its warmness. God.
I wonder what lies ahead of o levels. I remember how we used to wished the o levels were over and what this and that. Now come to think of it, I just feel that everything has been proceeding too fast for me to adapt. There are another three more papers and we are done for the year. Everybody is going to move on from the ending to a new beginning.
In the past, I used to love playing tons and tons. Then ever since I turned sixteen on 6th Nov, I realized the many mistakes I made in the past. I feel remorseful and hurtful. I hope to begin the new year with brand new resolutions and new goals. I want to put my past behind.
Alright. The battle is not over yet. There are still 6 more papers to go. GO GO JIA YOU !!!
`I want everybody to do well. Calm down, charlene. You will do well too. [Mr Indra]

Ho ho ho. Today's actually the first day of the national gce o level exams and it coincides with my birthday. HOW lucky. Hah. But anyway, I was pretty upset at the sight that people such as Mei Xuan and the rest forgotten about my birthday. It was heart-WRECKING alright?! Hah. Kidding. I was glad though that some of my close friends(of course!) remembered my birthday and gave me their well wishes. I am not eyeing for any presents from you all. I just want to feel appreciated for all the efforts I took to building this friendship empire of mine. However, I guessed it was a failure. Hms. What sweet 16th birthday? I do not sense the sweetness of everything. Hah. Alright. I still have a number of papers to tackle. Hope I will do well at them. Hees. Oh ya. Since it's 6th November today, I shall hereby make a wish.
Dear God/Birthday Fairies, I wish you will grant me three wishes. 1. I hope to do well at my GCE O level exams and score my dream results. 2. I hope to become prettier?(eeeks, ha.) 3. I hope that everybody will be happy and fulfill their dreams. Thank you God. You are obliged not to grant Wish 2 though. Hah.