I am feeling downright tired now. I just got back from Genting, Malaysia. The journey took a total of six hours there and another six back. My eyes are sore from long hours of contact lens wearing. Hms. But one thing good was I really enjoyed my time there. The place has changed alot since the last time I went there. I tried out Baskin Robbins ice-cream and it was delectable indeed, makes a mockery out of the other ice-creams sold there. I did several shopping over there, bought some stuff. I tried looking for debbie's winnie the pooh plushie however to no valid. Sigh. Really sorry debs! Shall hang out with you soon to make up for it. =) Ya. My parents gambled alot at the casino there, therefore leaving us for long nights in the hotel. At first I thought nothing about staying alone with my younger sister in the hotel, however, after checking out of the hotel, my uncle told us that the 18th floor which we were staying at, had an incident of which a China woman was murdered in one of the rooms. This sent shivers down my spine. Anyway, I am back in Singapore now.

I thought alot about us. The more I think of it, the more insecure I feel. Furthermore, I feel the gap expanding by each passing day. I really do not know what's between us. I do not know what is us called. It's sapping my inner self away as I think about us all the time. Perhaps you must be thinking I'm crazy to be thinking too much into it. Well, let's just remain like this from now on.

The abyss of miscommunication

If only it could be resolved

We would be almost perfect together

Your shyness

My quietness

Takes us miles apart

` I do not want to be hurt again.

Seeing you with your perfect girl

What a perfect picture

I had a special day today. I went out with tiff and mario. Before that, I went for a so-called netball carnival at guangyang secondary in Bishan. It took me by surprise when it began raining suddenly. I got a little drenched and felt a bit uncomfortable thereafter. I went ahead to meet tiff and mario at vivocity in attempt to get the tickets to watch death note 2 however due to the *overwhelming* response, we couldn't get a single ticket there. We decided to try out plaza sing's one instead. Got tickets to the curse of the golden flower. I was kind of disappointed though. Then again, the curse of the golden flower was not really that bad. =]

Anyway, mario wore a jailbird tee today. He looked really good in it. Haha. It was nice standing beside a tall dude. Heh heh.

Deep within, pain lingers

Looking from afar yet not within reach

The heart is filled with unfulfilled longing

Grant me that one wish

` the connections are not built yet, my dear.

It always roots down to the same person who can inspire me the way she used to do. `Love the life you live. Live the life you love.' I ran through her blog earlier. I read about her life and how she is doing presently. I must say her life is like a role model for me. Sigh. I remembered when I was in sec two, I told myself that I wanted to be just like her. However with the passing of time and days, she slowly left and I gradually lost all the inspiration and teachings she bestowed upon me. I want a change in my life. And I want it NOW.

Today's christmas eve! But I'm not doing anything special or spending it with someone special. Sadly, I am grounded for today. Or rather I grounded myself for some purposes. I need to assure my parents that I do not go out every day so that they will put more trust in me. Haha. I am cunning ... and this is the way I handle my parents. *chuckles* gosh, I caught a flu this morning and I could not go for my jog. I feel damn bloody guilty for the fat-rich food I had the day before. Darn it! Sigh.

I spent one quarter of last night to update my diary. I wrote alot. And I read alot from my past. In one particular entry in 2004, I wrote something peculiar in the diary and that was ' Sometimes I wonder whether I am a normal teenager or person ' because I think exceptionally much. Then I realized I had been weird since young, but everybody's weird in their own way. I found myself again last night. I realized that I was someone who was full of emotions that even the simplest or slightest of things which people do not take note of when they speak, can hurt me grievously. And that is also why I spend most of my time writing my thoughts in the diary nowadays. That is also why I prefer to keep my mouth shut most of time and daydream about in my own world. It feels extremely painful when these hurtful words come from people whom you care about alot especially. Strangely, nobody knew about this secret of mine since young. Haha. Also, some of my deadliest secrets are not kept in check with my closest friends but people whom I know for a period of time and they could understand my thoughts easily, amazingly huh? haha.

Alright. I guess one day I might just delete this blog away as I move on to the next phase of my life. Perhaps that might happen when I have changed much as a person and writing my thoughts in the same blog just does not give me a fresh feel? haha. Anyway, people are changing rapidly all the time so I guess it's normal just as much. Okie. PEOPLE! HAVE A NICE AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! MAY ALL BEST THINGS IN LIFE HAPPEN TO YOU! while I'm stucked in the house? haha. To JACM organization(haha): Thanks for being my closest friends throughout the o levels and stuff. Thanks for stuffing me with food every other day when I hang out with you all. haha. Thanks for hugging me and loving me the way I am. And finally, I hope all the good things may happen to all of you. God bless all 3 of you. And I heard shi jing is ill. May shi jing get well soon. haha. May mabel stop thinking she's fat. haha! May ame stop flirting around. haha. And may I be bless with a good boyfriend. hah. TO Deb: Thanks for tickling my funny bone ALL THE TIME! Thanks for acting cute in front of me whenever possible. haha. Thanks for screaming at me whenever a winne the pooh is at sight. haha. Thanks for cheering me and guiding me during the o levels. May you have a blissful time with *ahem. haha. TO him: Thanks for brightening up my time whenever it's dark. You know how pleased I am whenever my handphone blinks in tune to your incoming message. I do not know what the future lies for us though but just looking and thinking of you gives me that needed strength to carry on. x) TO everyone : HAPPY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Alright. It's Jonas's birthday today! We helped him to celebrate by dining at swensens. It was rather expensive, I'm utterly broke now. I had chicken baked rice and chocolate crunch. I was literally going to puke after all that. Now I have to go jogging the next morning to burn this pesky calories away. Darn it. Yay. Then perhaps I can show off my flamboyant fbt shorts! Heh heh. After swensens, everybody walked whatever place we could go. It was rather boring that I nearly died. Haha. But thank god jonas was there to utter dumb dumb nonsense. I think he's a funny guy or rather a boy. I do look upon as a younger brother because he really looks and behaves like one. Haha. Oh. My cute lil brother. Hms. After much discussions, we went to the arcade below plaza sing. I burnt a few calories off by throwing hoops. =)) haha. To my disappointment, Mabel had to leave soon after that. I was left with dear shi jing and jonas plus pat and js. They wanted to play pool which was not my thing, but I left with them for paradiz anyway. It was plain boring over there. I played music to ease my irritated spirit. haha. Then soon, shi jing wanted to drop by suntec city to repair her grandfather's watches. I had wanted to join her but due to misunderstandings or miscommunications, she thought I wanted to go home instead. I was left with the GUYS after that. I hated it. haha. But jonas was there to tickle my funny bone. Idiot, he gave me a pervertic look while I was talking to shi jing. Hmph. Gonna slap you next time if you do that again. haha. Hms. Ya. Actually I intended to meet up with my somebody but she was not available, so I just went home with jonas then. Stupid jonas was really funny when we were in the train. Hehs. I asked him something about shi jing and he kind of got shy. haha. Is it, jonas? haha.

I am rather elated today. We are keeping our contact with each other and everything's going quite fine. He's getting a new phone, kind of happy for him but jealous too. haha. Don't worry, there's nothing in you I will be too jealous about because you will soon be mine? haha. MINE! haha. =))

Hms. I am gonna be very busy next week. I should be going to the salon to try to get a new hairstyle because I am sicked of my hair now. I will be heading out to celebrate christmas with some friends? Ya. And I should be meeting him next week. Yay. =))) goodness overwhelmes me!

Alert! Please give me comments about the entry I wrote below. I'm trying to improve on such things. I feel that it is a little erotic? haha. Okie. Thanks.

Had a marvellous time with debbie today. We headed to several places in the afternoon. Haha. Actually just thinking about what happened today, my funny bones are tickled. Heh heh. Alright, we headed to Joo Seng Warehouse this afternoon and I bought a pair of white and red fbt shorts each. Debbie commented that I was purchasing the national flag. haha. That chicken. Hms. Then we wanted to walked back to the bus-stop to hitch a bus but the weather played a fool with the both of us. It rained suddenly. Debbie dished out her bluey umbella to shelter the both of us but I must say her umbrella is 'weak', it nearly got blown away. haha. It was 1.45 pm only then, we were both bored so we decided to watch the night at the museum at plaza sing. It was an AWESOME show! But it was so bloody cold in the theatre that I was literally shivering inside. That pesky debbie kept fedding me with chips and stuff. Lays and chocolates. I was feeling so heaty in the throat after all that. We left plaza sing at 6 pm and board the train back to compass. We had our dinner at burger king's. Haha. Cheapo debbie suggested that we tried to order student meal to save $$$. Haha. However, I did otherwise. Hees. After much of our gouging of the burgers and fries, I decided to experiment with the leftovers. Haha. Then there was this idiotic-looking young boy sitting with his mom beside us, who sure bought him lots of fattening food such as the Herseys Pie and stuff. I got jealous! Guess what did I did? Heh heh. I took a long fries and pointed it at him with sneaky eyes. Heh heh. He kind of got mad at turned to face the wall or something. Haha. I'm bad.

Hms. I guess I do crazy things when I'm unhappy inside? Wa ha ha ha. I do not know. I only know I really enjoyed myself today with debbie. Heh heh. I laughed so hard that I urinated. Haha! I was joking. Make me sound like I'm like some ah ma who has no control over her bladder. haha.

Well at least you bothered to send me a message to show that you cared. You haven't been messaging for a very long time to me. I do not know what are you waiting for. Can you tell me? Tell me now. I want the answer. I do not want to wait anymore. We're going separate ways very soon if there's no response from you anymore. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to play your game. Stop telling me to have faith in you when there's so little initiative in you.

Isn't life a contradiction? Just when you aren't in love, you pray to be in one. And when you're in love, you wished you weren't in one fearing of being hurt. Urgh. I do not want to bother anymore. Crap. There shouldn't be love in my dictionary.

` Love is not a word in my dictionary

Take me into your arms

where warmth & love beholds

Let me feel your love

with every breath you send down my neck

Give me your love

when nothing about you is unseen in my eyes

Feel my love

by savouring every bit of you

Flyaway hugs & kisses

as we take the leap into our euphoria


`perhaps you could teach me how to content my likes for you

dear diary,

I feel dreary now. There's a feeling of heaviness in my chest. I feel hurt but I do not know or rather do not want to acknowledge who is causing this pain. dear diary, every time I wrote in you, there would be something which bothers me whether minor or major. Sometimes, I do not wish to grow up and face this ruthless world. As the days grow older, new things emerge and old things are chucked aside. I just finished writing my personal diary which is kept somewhere safe where it's most dangerous in the house. Hms. As the words scattered over the sheets, memories of my past were revealed. A sense of guilt overwhelmed me sending shivers to the bones. I wonder why as the days pass, I get more unhappy especially when it's night time. I guess I am beginning to ponder alot when it's dark? I need someone to secure me. dear diary, tell me who will do it? I am hurt easily with the slightest mistake of words.

I want only you. You know who you are. Do not make me wait anymore. I am tired. Grab me by the arm and take me away to faraway land where bliss awaits us. Ease my painful soul as you look passionately in my eyes. Take me far, far away and do not forsake me, for I would be as helpless as a lame in your eyes. Cast our pride aside and let us dance to the moonlight all night. You know who you are, take me away. I await your presence with painful eyes.

dear diary, I only wanted you to understand my feelings because nobody in this world clearly understands how I feel. Nobody, not even the closest of my kins. The mere reminder of this thought sends searing pain through my heart leaving behind a broken me. People who claimed they understood me, my parents, my siblings, some friends. But in fact none of them clearly understood me. I stand alone with my own beliefs. I am ever-changing quickly nowadays, that even I can not recognise myself anymore. I want to stop growth. I do not want to grow up. I yearn for someone to love me wholeheartedly.


Well, I guessed I had been a lil emotional here? okie, that's all for today. I'm breaking for the day.

Grunts. My mom woke me up early this morning to help her with chores and I am now unable to go back to sleep. Diao. Feeling kind of drowsy now though. *contradiction. Oh ... since I'm bored to tears now, I think I shall pen down about my dream two days ago. My dreams have been bringing me the fantasy outside of this world and I am beginning to slowly recall them after a long night's sleep. Okie, so I guess I dreamt about something similar to ame's dream months back. I dreamt about a guy who was rather good-looking and ok, we were in the theme park. The memory is blurry. Then there was this ride which was something like a roller coaster, instead this one had no rails/tracks which was really remarkable la. haha. So you can imagine we were literally flying in the air. So there was this guy who was sitting behind me. In the dream, this stupid ride began swirling in circles as it rided in the air(some sort like a dragon moving) and to my surprise, I began falling backwards because I guessed there was no safety belts? haha. Ya. However, this guy at the back he grabbed me and pushed me back into my space as we remained in that position, he hugging me from behind. By the way, we were in standing positions. I wonder why huh? haha. Everytime the thing swirled, I really felt that I was dropping but he would hold me in space. haha. I recalled turning my head backwards to take a look at this face and I saw a really fair face with unique features. In that instant, it felt as though I had fallen in love with this particular man in my dream. He was really warm and lovely and real in the dream. I remembered playing in the waters with him too. haha. Ya. Then it was quite idiotic ok. We were both going to kiss already you know then *poof* I woke up. Darn it. haha. Hms. So that was it. Oh ya, I tried to head back to sleep to return to the kissing part but I just couldn't dream of him again. Sigh. But ok, now I understand how you felt ame. haha.
Oh ya. Yesterday on my way back together with mabel and shi jing, I saw a guy who was rather tall and suave! He was fair in the face and has features just like 'L' in death note! Heh heh. I guess that one kind of guy really attracts my attention. The other guys at sushi tei where we had our meal yesterday didn't quite made it la. I think they were ok. Crazy mabel and shi jing were out on the look-out for the guys in the restaurant when I was just looking around at the girls because I thought a few of them were exceptionally good-looking. haha. So that was it.
Haha. *Caution* Please do not get jealous over the guy in my dream or the guy I saw at the mrt. Because one is non-existent(i'm more realistic than ame, haha) and the other which I guess I will never see him again. Cries*. haha. Alright, I'm highlighting this paragraph to someone special who reads my blog occasionally. But darn it. My personal life is still so dead!

I am kind of pissed off with blogger.com yesterday, couldn't log on to blog about my thoughts and feelings. I was feeling a lil upset the day before because of someone. Hms. Ya. Anyway, I have got over it already. Thanks to JACM who took me out to eat to my fill. Haha. Except for ame! You chicken. Hah.
We intended to dine over at Sushi Tei at Paragon's this afternoon. Initially, we planned to meet at kovan at 1 pm. To my surprise, mabel wanted to meet us at orchard instead and the WORST thing was I did not knew how to get there by the public transport! Ok, so I told shi jing about it and she was kind enough to meet me at compass to guide me there. Haha.
The both of us arrived at orchard mrt station and we were looking for mabel at the other end of the platform. After we have found her and began chatting, she actually shocked me by telling me that I looked like a guy with my outfit today. Darn it, so much for dressing up. Okie, so we dined at sushi tei's and we ordered a spread of food, especially shi jing. However, I must say I really enjoyed the part where we began ordering our dessert. Heh heh. My peach ice cream and waffle-chocolate, sweet! Well, I must really comment about the seating arrangement at the restaurant. I sat beside shi jing and she was rather touchy with me, hugging me and stuff. I felt uncomfortable, a strange kind of feeling. But anyway she was cold so I comply to her. Then the stupid mabel who was sitting directly opposite us shot me looks. Haha.
Alright. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am going to watch my juniors compete against bowen sec. And also perhaps head to terence's house to pay him a visit after his op. Sigh. My mom wants me to accompany her to shop for christmas gifts. I am so peeved. But I will be having my long deserved* break next friday. Heading to genting with my parents. If I'm lucky I might meet shi jing there or something. Haha.
`you are etched in my mind, my dear one.

Gosh. I had an awesome day yesterday, went out with debbie to bugis. Dined at mos burgers then dropped by the national library to loan some books. Haha. I think they are a number of mad people in this world cause' I met a few yesterday at the library. And they looked retard smiling themselves away. Hah. Thereafter, we went over to bugis street to look for gifts? Yep. At least I finally bought something from there out of sheer liking to it. Hms. We headed to plaza sing to chill a little at Auntie Annie's. I drank strawberry dutch ice! It was sweet & sour but savouring to the taste buds. Nice! It was quite a long day after all, took the train back to compass and we bought something at mini toons. Sigh. I am utterly broke.
Well, time really passes without a blink of the eye huh. It's december 16 already. To think I have not learnt anything new! Grunts. Shi jing suggested I learnt japanese with her. I'm broke la, how to pay for the course. Hms. Perhaps after I got my due reward from my dad, I'll join the course. Apologies, I can't join the course now.
Okie. I think my dad had been too intruding towards my social life. He actually checked my cellphone's inbox last night. It was kind of rude of him though. I was pissed off after that. Oh ya. Today's my Mama's birthday! I wish her a very happy birthday. Hees. =) Happy.

Crap. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My inconsiderate younger sister played the laptop in our room until it was dawn in the morning. In other words, it meant that I had not slept for a proper 8 hours last night. I recalled waking up several times to cover myself with more clothing because I was not aware that the air-conditioner was switched on by that brat. I was literally shivering under the covers. But soon authority took over and my dad finally stormed into our room at 4 am this morning. He yelled at her and she still had the guts to slam her stuff here and there before turning in. I hate her gutsy, idiotic attitude.
Darn. I looked at the newspapers this morning. The jobs are as usual, always in need of experienced workers and stuff. Hms. Well, there were some other jobs such as flyer distributor which is my forte. Haha. I guess I am too lazy to make another trip out there where I will lose myself again. Sigh. I need something exciting to spark up my life. It has been so dreary for the past two months. Perhaps I need somebody. Haha. Diao.

Hms. Sigh. It has been days since I last updated and weeks since I touched the books. Pathetic me. I had a fruitful day today, went out with JACM and we dined at billy bombers. The food there was served in large portions though, they didn't suit my taste buds. Hah. I ended up ordering guilty-rich food. Chocolatey-thick cake and cookies-and-cream milkshake. I guess I will have to burn them off tomorrow morning or something. Something at the back of my brain keeps hinting me that I am gaining pounds. Nut. I hate it.
Sigh. While we were dining in billy bombers, mabel asked me about my personal life and shi jing tried to dig up some juicy bits of me. Haha. Only ame remained calm as ever, I guessed. Well, my personal life have been quite silent and almost 'dead', you may call it presently. I am not going to plunge into a relationship anytime now. I do not think I have found the right one yet. Perhaps I am not straight. Haha. I do not know and do not want to bother anyway.
I have yet to find a job. I have went for two job interviews so far and I must say they both sucked. One of which I walked the whole of upper paya lebar road in search of the bloody shop. And right after that, I was beat and panting at the interview. The dirty looks from ignorant old men and the rain drops that pounded on my head endlessly, that was indeed the most pathetic and irksome walk I had ever had. Thereafter, I realized that jobs do not come by easily AND life is NOT easy!
Alright. I am experiencing a headache right now. I have to attend the netball farewell bbq at pasir ris tomorrow. I wonder what else lies ahead of me. Going to sleep soon. My eyes are sore.
`losing myself.

I am rather pissed off lately. Things aren't going right for me. Firstly, I was humiliated by a junior at the netball camp the day before. Right. I have lost all my self confidence and esteem. I had even lost myself. Pretence overwhelmed me as I played the one and determining game of the day. People were saying that I had been doing nonsense defending and such. What the heck man. Do you people know what I had gone through? No, you don't. Yes. I am a wimp. I can not even face it up to myself. I hate this. I hate life.
Today, my dad told me something that woke me up from reality. Well. I should not be mentioning those words here as they are provacative. Ever since the beginning of the battle towards the o's until now, everything and anything has changed. I can't accept the change. And now, things are getting harder and harder each day even though the books are aside.
My parents keep hinting me and asking me to look for a job. And I am desperate for one too. Yes. I am. I can't stand staying at home for the entire month of december! I wished I could have done somthing constructive since the o level exams. Darn it. I thought life was blissful and simply when I got the job at a restaurant but things were not as simple as it seemed. A beep from my phone this morning and it's *poof, gone flying. I hate all this. Where have my determined self gone to? Well. I want to persevere but something is bringing me down! This sucked. I will learn something new this december, I swear.

I am sorry. This is directed to someone who has been standing by me and have waited for me since months ago. I am sorry this did not work out. I am sorry I had to break this out to you today. But with the help of ame's eloquence, I breezed through it. I hope we will remain as friends and I hope that things will go smoothly for you in the future. I am terribly sorry for giving you false hope. And lastly, for not replying your message until the sixth one. I pray for you to meet a better girl. God Bless You.
I spend the last few weeks pondering over whether I should break the truth to him. It is dreadful. Fancy making someone pine for you for months and giving him false hope but finally breaking out to him that you weren't meant for him. I am dead guilty. However, I will learn. I will learn never to give another one false hope and that I will truly love the one whom I will be with next. Perhaps I do know how to love someone after all but ignorance seize me all. I promise I will learn.
`Man proposes, God disposes.

Something has hit me lately. Usually after the o's, people would be out enjoying themselves but I am at home recuperating. I fall sick last week while mugging for the exams. It is so sickening. Hms. I wonder whether I should head for prom tea tomorrow.
I have been staying at home lately to get in touch with myself once again. I realized that over the years, I lost myself. My true self. I do not know who I really am now. I often sit in a dark corner of my room and seek for a relief to who I am today.
`Accept what God gave you and appreciate what God left you.

Phew. Can you believe it? O levels are over in just a blink of the eye. Even I can't accept reality. Hah. I am so tired. I have never been so tired all my life. Been staying up late to mug for the exams for three days two nights this week. Last week had been much better. But, who care? O levels are over.
Well. I wonder what lies ahead then? I hope 'he' doesn't message me to prompt me to fulfill the pact though. Hms. I have got many exciting plans for myself. I plan to destress by heading out with my mom to do free shopping. I plan to learn how to cherish my friends by hanging out more often with them. I plan to head to the pub or club to see what's in for me. I plan to head to sentosa to soak up the sun. I plan to indulge in self-admiration and narcissism. I plan to hang out every weekend with my family. I plan to start flashing some cash at the counters. I plan to tour the whole of Singapore. I plan to learn a musical instrument. I plan to clean up my bedroom. I plan to have a really good meal at Sakae Sushi's. I plan to go shopping for clothings. Uh huh! I plan to shop for my prom dress! Darn it. Prom tea on tuesday. Hms. Whatever. I shall just laze away now ...

This is the last lap. I must push on and pull through. Light is embracing me bit by bit, I am beginning to feel its warmness. God.
I wonder what lies ahead of o levels. I remember how we used to wished the o levels were over and what this and that. Now come to think of it, I just feel that everything has been proceeding too fast for me to adapt. There are another three more papers and we are done for the year. Everybody is going to move on from the ending to a new beginning.
In the past, I used to love playing tons and tons. Then ever since I turned sixteen on 6th Nov, I realized the many mistakes I made in the past. I feel remorseful and hurtful. I hope to begin the new year with brand new resolutions and new goals. I want to put my past behind.
Alright. The battle is not over yet. There are still 6 more papers to go. GO GO JIA YOU !!!
`I want everybody to do well. Calm down, charlene. You will do well too. [Mr Indra]

Ho ho ho. Today's actually the first day of the national gce o level exams and it coincides with my birthday. HOW lucky. Hah. But anyway, I was pretty upset at the sight that people such as Mei Xuan and the rest forgotten about my birthday. It was heart-WRECKING alright?! Hah. Kidding. I was glad though that some of my close friends(of course!) remembered my birthday and gave me their well wishes. I am not eyeing for any presents from you all. I just want to feel appreciated for all the efforts I took to building this friendship empire of mine. However, I guessed it was a failure. Hms. What sweet 16th birthday? I do not sense the sweetness of everything. Hah. Alright. I still have a number of papers to tackle. Hope I will do well at them. Hees. Oh ya. Since it's 6th November today, I shall hereby make a wish.
Dear God/Birthday Fairies, I wish you will grant me three wishes. 1. I hope to do well at my GCE O level exams and score my dream results. 2. I hope to become prettier?(eeeks, ha.) 3. I hope that everybody will be happy and fulfill their dreams. Thank you God. You are obliged not to grant Wish 2 though. Hah.

Melancholy drifts me away. The gentle push of the wind takes me far. I now see her face so flawless in my eyes. My soul reaches out & grasps her tight as if the dawn was unseen ever. The heart aches & breaks like shattered glass glistering under the intense light of the evening sun. I stood slightly fazed as I watch her deep intense eyes which once held so much love & adorement within disintegrate into beads of tears. We held each other so close that our hearts were beating as one. Our breathing being felt within the boundaries of our faces. Embrace was not a word to be mentioned nor did the love we felt for one another for even Mother Nature bestowed us a bedful of dark roses where we laid down and .....
Haha. The rest is for you all to imagine. Let your imagination run wild! Hees. Blogspot lags a little today. Hmph.

Somehow, I felt that I needed a change of font. I read a book recently and I thought that it had very nice usage of words and vocabulary. I loved the way the author used literature to bring across her thoughts and ideals. The way the author described actions and thoughts is simply beautiful. I can't help but aspire to be like the writer. I love literature alot. I guess I should have taken literature in the first place. I have the interest at it. Hah. Stupidity is engulfing my brain now.
I hate it man. Why do we have to look back and regret doing so many things we wished we had not done in the past? It's just like how I used to wonder why do people exist when I was just a mere 14 year old girl. Well. Perhaps when I was even younger, I had thought and pondered over that question several times. I had even questioned myself as to why there was hatred and sadness co-existing together. And why couldn't happiness and love inhabit* in the arms of the beholder? I think I have been distracted lately. Urrgh. Be gone with the wind. Take my troubles along.
Sometimes, it feels much better to be alone and liberate rather than having a companion around. I do not know why but I guess this character trait lies beneath my skin and I can't help it. I yearned to be like you.
Oh . By the way, the author of the book is Wei Hui. It's a nice book but kind of 'flashy' for people like myself and my age kind. Hah. See Ya.

woa. It's ten more days to the o's. Time really flies by in the blink of the eye, amazingly. Hms. I am really not ready to take the papers yet. I really am NOT. I have got to make full use of the time which have been laid ahead of me towards the o levels. It's my o level physics paper next thursday. Isn't this happening way too fast? I just feel like I never ever want to grow up.
I read a magazine at Deb's place today. It was a really awakening article about a girl who was blackmailed and raped by someone whom she had trusted on the net. The girl later found out that the person whom she had infatuated with on the net was merely a man who was in his late-thirties and had a pot-belly. And the man threatened to disclose and distribute the girl's nude pictures which she had sent him around the internet. This is really outrageous. I would have given the man ten big slaps and a full-blown kick in his groin supposingly if I met this person whom I have never seen or known of course. Hah.
Shit. I need more time! Sigh. I have got to go. Signing off.

I am so bloody tired. I do not know what's wrong with me. I have been sucked in by negative vibes. I feel negative all the time. I feel so dreary. There's like war brewing between two parties of friends in my life. Sometimes, I brood and wonder how come the once friendly friendship had sour. I was in the wrong. I should not have entered the friendship in the first place. Please do not place the blame on anyone else. It puts so much weight on me to just keep both parties from souring further. What is wrong? I keep on trying to make people happy, but in the first place, have I ever been happy or contented with myself? I remember Ms Coral Lim used to tell me that a person do not live to make others happy all the time, if one fails to do so, then thou leave it. All the burden, regardless of studying, social life and such, are showing their signs on my appearance.
I had kickboxing lessons today. It was really fun but really strenuous. I pulled a muscle in the event. My kickboxing instructor is going for an op soon so she will not be able to coach us anymore. This is really disappointing. I think the instructor will be switched to a male one who looks really scheming with his slit eyes. Hah. Hms. I shall get her a get well soon card. I do not know or understand why, but I tend to admire coaches. Irregardless of what they do. Perhaps because they are really respectable. Hees. Alright. I got to log off now. =) Take care people. Bless me and my loved ones. =))

Oh. It's another 17 more days to the month november and the scary O levels. I am really very terrified. I am not ready yet. I can not tackle the papers. But oh wells. I guess I will make full use of my limited yet really important last days before the o levels.
This year is a really unique year(you may call it) for me. The very first written paper for O levels falls exactly on my birthday. I don't know whether I should call myself lucky or what. But anyway. I shall make a wish then and hopefully it will be fulfilled. This year has passed really briefly. Several events took place and I got hurt really badly emotionally and physically. Hah. I did not attempt to hurt myself though. I guess I should learn from these events and never let them happen again. I think I have been scarred partially. Ocassionally, I sit down staring into blank space and I begin wondering about my past. Everything took place this year. And I have been holding and contenting myself all this while until now. Hmms. I really don't know what am I blabbering about. I am tired. Inject me with transquilizer and let me fall into a deep sleep.
` i have been keeping this secret within me for long

This is crap. I have never been this lost in my entire life. I do not know what the heck am I doing. I have contradicted myself! Oh. Please. I need a guiding light to guide me to the lighted pavement. Hah. I just found one. =]
Hmms. Only Shi Jing and I would be at school tomorrow. Lazy mabel and ame will be at home mugging instead. Hms. Chickens. Hah! But I will have shi jing all to myself anyway. And Debbie too. Hah. smiles. hees. but will miss mabel and ame too.

Heys. What the hell is wrong with you? What have I done wrong? Is being outspoken a crime only in your bloody tuiton centre? You think you are the only chemistry teacher in this humongous world? And besides you aren't very good anyway. Questions which you aren't even able to answer certainly, what is this? I pay you to be wishy-washy?
What the heck. Today was the worst tuition I had alright? I arrived at the tuition centre and we sat down to prepare for lessons. And since Vivien needed to get a worksheet, I helped her to get it out of kindness. And guess what that hussy said? ' You don't need to take for her, she take herself. ' What the hell is this atittude? Didn't the teachings of all earthly mortal beings taught us to be helpful? And here is a beholder of teaching trying to translate the wrong values? And what. When attendance had to be taken, how come my name wasn't in the list already? This just shows how inefficient the tuition centre is! And I actually had to show you my receipt which I so happen left it in the bag to rot. And obviously it was crushed up. I took the effort to flatten and neaten the piece of fragile paper and it had to be crushed into a paper ball by wei sheng! And worst still, it was thrown to bai lin who was sitting in front followed by the teacher. After inspecting the receipt, guess what that she did? She crushed the paper and asked bai lin to pass the receipt back to the girl whom has got no respect to actually crush the paper and pass it to the teacher. WHAT THE HECK MAN! IT WASN'T ME WHO DID ALL THAT! At that point of time, I wanted to stand up and shout at her directly in the face that I had not attempt to do all that. Yet, due to the unreasonable nature of her, I decided to content my fuming temper. I wanted to kick and punch and jab her in the stomach and face man. I am tolerating this manz. Yesterday she actually said that I was not FIT to take pure chemistry seemingly because I didn't know what is valency. Excuse me. Don't everybody make mistakes?!
The only fool who does not make mistakes, I would say, would be you huh? And you would be the only one who will not know what you have done wrong. Oh. It's no wonder sometimes you are so unsure of whether you were right at the questions in the first place. And what? I came in one month before the o levels examinations and you are unhappy about that? Face the reality man. As long as anyone has money, they have the right to step into your stupid class and sit down to look into your stupefied face. And why can't I be given the chance to work the last minute? What kind of logic is this? Your biasedness towards me is breaking me down!
You said you didn't like your students to talk alot. What kind of logic is that? You are depriving us of the chance to discuss and ask questions? And from what I heard from the other students, they could not ask very simple questions just because you didn't like it and thought that it was stupid to ask such a question. And that deterred them from asking even very simple questions. I don't understand it and YOU! Drats it. I have never been so insulted in all my life as a teenager. And guess what? How come I never had this problem with my school teachers except for the one and only 'exotic' and special you? Then I must say you are the NUT only in the exceptions of the teachers.
I am sorry if I have been too blunt in this entry. I had to release my tension or else I will explode in my dreams. Please forgive me, my teachers. Come to think of it. I have always respected and admired all teachers. This teacher has been a disappointment and screwed role model to me.
Well. I nearly cried in the class earlier on when she was chiding me. It was like the whole world was putting their blame on me. I hated it. I had done a disservice to myself by not standing up to arggue my stand. I will learn to be stronger.

Today, I had some talk with my friends from the other class. We were laughing away like nobody's business until they mentioned about 'him'. Questions about us being together and what had happened arised. I did not want to answer them but I just booted them out. But who cares. I know what I am doing anyway. You were a jerk back then and nothing changes the fact. They tell me that you still liked me and what not. What is the use? You were the first guy whom had hurt me the deepest. I don't want to say no more. But I have to.
I am messed up. If you don't want to be hurt, stay far away from me. Because I can not even control my own feelings. Furthermore, control my feelings for the people out there.
I made a pact. I do not know whether I will regret making this pact with someone who is so sincere in liking me. My friends say that another person is even sincere than the one whom I have made a pact with. And I should not be doing such a disservice to myself. I do not know how in the world am I going to look away when my exams are over. Perhaps I should not be thinking this much. My exams takes priority now. Or perhaps I should really become a bisexual. Hah.
I have got to go. I have got tuition. May God Bless Everyone. Hees.

Well. Today was an awesome day. I went outing with the JAM. It was fun. We had like sakae sushi for lunch and it was buffet! hah. I was really blown up after that. Hehs. But it was my first time eating in a japanese restaurant with the conveyor belt kind you know. I was rather curious about it at first. I just kept whipping up the food from the conveyor belt as if one's having ramen at a competition at first. hah. Then, we walked around the area at Raffles place before we ended up taking plenty of outrageously stupefied pictures of ourselves. hah. Especially me! JAM kept taking pictures of me when I was caught offguard! chicken. And one picture espcially, I looked like an uncouth/uncivilised girl sitting away. what the heck. But anyway. We went to citylink and walked to suntec city then. On the way there, we stopped by a little shop by the corner and I spotted a little salt and pepper dispenser which was made in a way they were figurines embracing each other with two eye holes where the salt came out from. I was rather upset about myself when i saw it. I left the figurines lying around somewhere in my house instead of appreciating it. It was $9.90 by the way. hah. speaking of money-wise. hah. But looking at the figurines again, I was reminded of Irene. I missed those times where we used to study together in the past and how we shared our secrets. hah. I guessed those times can still be retracted.
We arrived at suntec city. We did plenty of window shopping because we were penniless of course! hah. But obviously shi jing's the only one who is able to spurt on expensive books and stuffs. hah. Then we walked around and went many places. It was fun la. But it was kind of weird too. Shi jing kept on holding my hands at times and it just felt so weird. I guessed we both gave some people of the public some wrong impression though. hah. We baked ame cookies! hah. I thought that it was awful la. Because it was not crunchy and it was as though air had gotten into the cookies and made it that way. But amelia, it was our hardwork k. Please learn to appreciate it because it was baked at the expense of some things. hees. chicken. i got to go and finish up my homework.
oh by the way. Happy Birthday to Pei Ying. Apologies for not being able to make it for your bday celebrations today. My dad wanted me home by evening. I hope your dreams will come true and you will be prosperous! -.- hah. your parents give you more money. hah. But really la. Hope you will do well and get to the JC or poly you want to go. And Cherine and people. Sorry for not being able to make it. I really, really promise you all that I will make it the next time you all ask me out k. =)) take care people! Love ya all.

It has been days since my prelims. You may ask what is my feeling about my results. I have got nothing much to comment. I just blame myself for not realising the urgency and importance of the preliminary examinations and being complacent about almost everything. EVERYTHING. I got a very large L1R5 to think about it. And I don't think it's glamourous to mention about it. Mr Indra was asking me to seek my other subject teachers help to pull down my L1R5 points. But the thought of begging for better grades is just plain pathetic. I know that I missed the cut-out point for junior college by three and asking for three more points would not be impossible. However, since I am not deserving of the points because I had not worked hard enough for it, I shall not plead my teachers for it. My pride is just too much to contain.

`pride & self esteem me

(sigh. I can't compose a poem now)

There was not much accomplishment today. I slacked pretty much. But I shall be punished duly tomorrow with my day filled with A math tuition and kickboxing classes in the evening. It will be exhausting for me tomorrow. Hah. I'm trying to stay positive here. There's about like thirty more days to OUR o levels? Ya. That, I am certain. I am also trying to stay focused here. I did some planning in the afternoon today. It was kind of messy with so many things to do in this short one month.
However, I was kind of appeased that my parents are finally showing their CARE and CONCERN for me whose exams are approaching at the speed of light. Hah. I mean they have been showering me with love all the while but now it's MORE! heh hehs.
Well, I have not been reading alot to widen my vocabulary bank. I'd better do so now. =] hah. May the force be with me. God bless everyone.

Gosh. I do not know what is wrong with me now. I am engaged in negative thinking all the time nowadays. Where has my old, confident and positive self disintegrated to? Sometimes. I just wonder what is life continuously. Why is it sometimes when you work hard towards something, you do not always get it. And sometimes when you do not even want to bother about it anymore, you get what you want. If this is so, then why are we working towards our goals? It is contradicting. It is an irony.
Sigh. I am still lost within the spaces of emptiness. I only believe that one God exist in this world and I am praying to this one and only God of the universe. Please empower me with the faith and confidence to get through this. I don't have much time left. I am left with barely a month. Please.

I am so sorry everyone. I didn't know I had been such a letdown to all my close friends. I am sorry. I am dreadfully sorry. I was never a good friend. From the very beginning, I let down deb when we used to be very close in the past. And I left with the rest. And right now. I keep repeating my mistakes time and again. I am sorry. I can never be a great friend. No words can describe the abyss of apologies I wish to send out to each and everyone of you.
To JAM: I guess I have never been a good friend with the three of you whom have stood by me all these while yet I never realized your presence. I am seriously very sorry. Sorry for not being there with the three of you when the occasionwas meant for the four of us. I guessed I have always misunderstood the meaning of JACM. I feel so inferior when I am with you all. The three of you have exceptional results and vast talents. Yet, I am the little weakling wallowing in self-pity when I am with the three of you. The feeling isn't great. I can't understand but perhaps I still can't get used to JACM. I think I have been too emotional here. Thanks for being there for me when I am really down. Please remember that everything arised from me being fickle-minded and plain selfish. Please forgive me.
To deb: I am really apologetic to you too. As I said, I never was a good friend. I changed your impression of a best friend in life. I guess you will never understand the significant of a true friend since you have lost faith in friendships. And I am the cause of it. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I will make it up to you one fine day. I promise.
I don't know why. But my eyes are actually filling itself with tears and is at the verge of dropping down soon. I feel so guilty. After nearly sixteen years in life, I still never understood the meaning of friends. I never cherished my friends. Or perhaps, like you said, I let my pride and dignity get in the way and leave things to deteriorate. I feel so much like a failure today.

what's wrong man? what is wrong?! I am fed up and tired and frustrated of myself. At one point of time, it feels as though as I have given my best and at one point of time, it feels as though as I have not. Why am I not yielding the results? Why?!!! I am pissed off with myself. I just feel like breaking down . . . I am close to wits end. I am reaching my limits. There's so little time yet so much things to do. And what's the worst!? I don't know how am I going to go about making changes to improve my studying! I don't blame anyone. It's all my fault. I don't study hard enough. Yar. It's all my fault. I'm dumb so just accept it! Sometimes, I think that life is so unfair. Why can some complacent people not study and yet still score well? Where did the logic 'hardwork pays off ' went to? Where?! Say I'm jealous. Yes. I am jealous. I am jealous of people who are slip-short in their studying and still do well. I am jealous of people who can play tons and tons and still do well.
I am losing faith in myself already. I don't know where am I heading. I don't know where my stupid results can get me to. I am so afraid. And I am very scared that I will give up anytime. I have lost the belief in me. I am like a girl who's at the edge of a cliff. I will fall down anytime. And the numerous conflicts I am facing in between friendships aren't doing me any better. I am about to snap any moment. I am like sandwiched in between. Yar. Say it's my fault. It has always been my fault. And never yours. If our friendship were strong, no one could have came in and broken the bond. If our friendship were kind, there would be no hypocritism behind our faces. If our friendship were made with love, there would be no competition between us that were so intense that they were making us hate each other.
Yar. It was my fault right at the very start. I should not have left you out and went with her. Now that the both of us have seemingly went separate ways, none of us seem happy with being trapped in the past times. Well, perhaps you are happy with the way you are now.
` you never understood me the way the other did. it applys to me too.

`Hurray. A few more days to the end of the preliminary exams. * knock knock. Still got O level examinations la. I have been rather pleased with myself lately. I have been 'indulging' myself in the heavens of books. Hah. I have never studied this hard since sec two. But I guess there are still plenty of improvements to my way of studying. I guess my results will not be idealistic this preliminary exams. Hms. Sigh.
`Oh man. I feel your presence once more. I seriously don't know what I want in my love life. I would rather choose to ignore it. Ignorance is my best escape. I am lost in the ace of hearts. Somebody tell me what to do. Guide me. I am afraid of being hurt again. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Leave me alone if you can't promise me the love I need. I am a high maintanence girl. One of you is leaving for the ns soon. One of you dotes on me loads but abyss of differences lie between us. One of you has never stopped liking me but stopped recently. I hate this. I just sound like a bitch. I am sorry but I have promised somebody already. I know I am doing the wrong thing. But. I am basically lost and I need somebody to lead me. After my o levels. Please. I pray for the one I like to take initiative.
Hopefully nothing takes place and I proceed to my new phase of life. A new beginning, a fresh restart. I want to forget all the tormenting memories. I want a new meaning in life.

Yesterday evening, I had a vivid picture of reminsicing what I really regret doing in the past. It was a hurtful recount. I lost my mood to study for the geog paper today. However, I still went through with the revision.
I remembered a person who really did not meant alot to me in the past. However, now as think about what he used to do for me, I feel the guilt building up. He was rather romantic, giving gifts some expensive while some were adorable to me. We often met up and played basketball with only the two of us ... he often gave in to me. =) I missed those times. I still remember when you asked me whether you could hold my hands. Do you still remember if you are reading this now? I hate myself for not cherishing you in the past. Now everything's over. I assume you are already attached. Gosh. It's too late to be thinking about this now.
I hate myself for not sparing a thought for you when someone else whom I had infatuated since 2 years back, got back into the picture. I guessed I was foolish. However. Now I realized it has been you who had been patient with me and treated me with respect. Now I realized that without your presence, something is amissed. I won't ask for you to come back for me because I would be a total bitch to be doing that. I hope you will be able to spend my 16th birthday with me after my o levels.
Left one more week and my prelims are over. I have got to stay focused.

Hmms. I have been wondering ... Should I be feeling hatred towards you? They say that when you hate somebody, it means that that person means alot to you to actually hate that person. Sigh. I personally feel that the saying is very correct. Therefore, in order to not feel upset, you have to stop hating the person. Ya. I am putting the 'heavy bag' down now.

ouch. my right eye hurts plenty and tons! Drats it. I think I got an infection. oh man. whatever. Chicken. I failed my A math paper and it has affected me tons. Crap. I got to put in more effort now. I have not been revising my previous topics. I got an empty schedule for the entire day tomorrow! Anyone want to date me out? Haha. Nope. I will be studying away at home until the lights are out. Hms. I just can not understand why I can not hook up any inspiration to blog today. crap.
` i think i am nuts. I feel the urge to miss you again. I think I am missing your presence once more. And I hate this feeling. I hate it alot. I hate myself. I can not bring myself to forget you. This hurt has been carrying itself for long stretches of road for too long and I still can't let go. I know we can never be together. Never ... ever. Will you ever understand how much I feel for you. I have let all my care and concern to waste.

`this searing heartache

`will you ever understand my part?

`foolishness overwhelmes me

`you have forsaken me

` I yearn for your presence once more

please do not mistaken yourself as the person mentioned above to whom ever it is. this poem above is dedicated to someone whom I've ever loved so much. ppl. do not ask me about this. this person I am talking about is an invalid. ha. =) erased and gone with the wind.

oh man. what the heck. The english pro Mabel, actually doesn't understand my english language! Drats it. It seems like I have got to put my effort at the English Language. Chicken. I had physics mock exam this afternoon. And it was real panicky for me! I wonder whether the rest were feeling that way though. A group of my friends and I headed to Punggol Plaza for a change of taste buds during lunchtime. You see. We were supposed to be back at school by 1.15 pm but we were only allowed to leave school at roughly 12.20 pm. And within that brief period of 55 mins, we had to dine there and head back to school! Gosh. I was practically running my way back to school after I alighted at the bus-stop opposite our school and it was 1.35 pm then! We were late! Haha. I guessed I was making a huge fuss out of it though. When I arrived at the classroom to seat for the paper, the teacher made no comment about my late-coming BUT gracefully passed me my paper to do. Haha. I guess punggol sec teachers are just so CARING! haha. Alright, I have to do some preparations for the chemistry paper tomorrow. Signing off.

Last night, that particular someone miraculously messaged me once more. What's up with you manz? If you think it is real fun playing such games with me, I suggest that you find someone else to fool around with or visit a counsellor. What's the point of explaining things or clarifying things with me only one week after everything has happened? It makes no sense. And also your explanation is lame. What you forgot to add a 'haha' behind our last message? It's ridiculous. And how unobservant could you have been? Having not being replied or messaged you for more than three days, you chose to do nothing about it. And now you're coming back to message me again asking me to clear my doubts about you? What doubts could I have had? I have saw through you. That was the meanest message I've received from you. And you're asking me what has it got to do with your pride. Then I must say you're childish to a large extent to playing tricks with me. So what now? You want one more chance from me? If you want to fool around, please do not fool around with me. I hate being toyed around with though I know I toy with other people's feelings too. I can only tell you that we shall remain as friends forever. I have lost all trust in you. What's faith? I do not know the meaning of this word anymore.
Last night, something else happened too. Someone called me and wanted to talk to me about his problem. He was feeling so upset and heartbroken. He liked a particular girl for four exact years and his love has yet to be reciproate. And worst still, the girl whom he liked and stood by for four years liked his best friend. The kind of feeling he is going through must be treacherous. Just imagine waiting for ten whole years to get close to your loved one. Well, I had a hard time consoling him. Fancy me being heartbroken too and having to console someone else who is heartbroken at the same time. It just seemed so tragic and pathetic. Alright. I shall just give him my best wishes that he will end up with that girl eventually.
`I'm tired of the same old problem. If you can't get along with me, just shoo away.
I just can not understand why do I have to be so nice to some people. In order to prevent some guys from getting hurt, I give them the wrong idea and let them be gleeful for a period's time. And after that, I carry the guilt with me for the rest of my life. I do not want to hurt anyone nor do I want to be hurt myself. Yet, everytime I give someone that so treasured chance, he just do not know how to treasure it and instead he gets back to give me a stab in the heart. It is alright. Afterall, I am the one getting hurt dime after dime. And you will only be making me more headstrong. Do not blame me when comes one day you will be rejected blatantly by me. I have learnt my lesson and will not repeat my mistakes, though I am slow at it.

I have wasted an entire day today. I spent the whole day pondering over what I wanted in my life. Yet. I have not found any answer. I reminisced those fond memories I had and gritted my teeth when I thought of my awful and hurtful experiences.
I just got home from a stroll at the nearby sculpture park which is located right below my flat. I was thinking real hard earlier. The night seemed so wonderful yet lonesome for a petite girl who was sitting on a metal bench which felt so cold to the touch. ` She was thinking ... thinking so hard. She has never thought so deeply in her life. She sought for an inspiration. Or even a little spark somewhere which could have brightened her dimly-lit heart or even warmed it. Her mind was a total blank. She was lost. Suddenly, it felt as though the night fell on her. She was terrified. And even from the dark, something in her could not stop hurting as she glipsmed at gleeful couples bickering at each other. It hurt so much until her body felt numb and the meaning of 'tears' lost its meaning. Finally, she took a quiet and cold stroll back into her warm, cosy home.
Sometimes. I take a look at what I have done or said in the past, I would break down and cry. It might even get to the extremes of hating myself. I can not accept what I have done in the past. And many of these things happened in this particular year. As I slowly try to piece myself back again, an obstacle would come my way only to hit me back down once more. God, or whoever who guides me, give me the power to forgive myself and accept myself once more.

oh gosh. Today was the full dress rehearsal for the teachers' day performance. I was actually suffering from a nervous breakdown just before the performance. But I thank god for putting in place some 'people' who gave me the courage and confidence to push on. Hees. Ya. I think my outfit looked really 'ah ma'. Gosh! Pale purple is not a very friendly colour to go with. Keep that in mind, people.
I have been rather pissed off lately. I told my girl-friends in class a very nasty story this afternoon. And you can say they were equally as pissed off as me. Now let me tell you this story. There was this girl called A who tried her best to love a guy called B. Girl A liked Guy B for nearly or rather infatuated him for two years. Girl A did several things for Guy B in these two years. Her efforts always went futile. All Girl A wanted was for Guy B to say he liked her. Guy B never did until two years later when Girl A kind of gave up on Guy B. In these two years, Girl A has always tried to be there with Guy B even though she knew he already had a girlfriend. Girl A waited faithfully until Guy B broke up with his girlfriend. And even though the seemingly long wait, Guy B made no initiation. Instead Guy B hurt Girl A dime and again. Girl A gave Guy B several chances. It was until it was the very last chance. Guy B finally confessed his likes for Girl A however, his pride came into play and ruined it all. Girl A will never ever trust and give Guy B another chance again. This is the end of their story.
`you do not deserve my grace anymore. take a look at yourself. i once liked you so much. you let your pride get in the way. and i declare this the end.

` Fools rush in where angels fear to thread(spelt wrongly, i guess)
I personally feel that this phrase really makes sense and it revolves its way around the surroundings around this person named charlene. Hms. I must say I really think alot in life. Whenever I get to seat on a bus alone and listening to my mp3 player, this machine in my head starts working. It grinds and whines like the sound of the wheels of a traditional train making its way uphill. Then when I have finally arrived at my destination in life, the train comes to a screeching pause. I guess this is the reason why I have plenty of greys all over my head, because I think too much. I wonder why do people have to watch others fail and not have any ability to change the situation. Why can't everyone succeed at the same time? Why do some of us have to watch others fail and even though we have succeeded at our own things, we do not feel the happiness entirely. I guess life is not always perfect. It is an extremely terrible feeling to see one's loved one crying because he/she has not fulfilled his/her task in life. I do not know why am I bringing this topic across now but I guess there's a purpose to everything I have thought of. I guess this should perhaps tell everyone who is reading this that it's time to wake up and help the ones around you and most importantly yourself. I guess I won't be doing well at this preliminary exams but I will give my best. Do not let down yourselves, ppl.

Hello, my dear bloggie. I am back to blog again after some terrible dreary days. I had been staying back to practise and improve on my dance moves lately and then returning home to study until almost everyone in my house has turn in. It is tiring and exhausting. In fact, sometimes I even practise on my own at home. Yet, I still can not get things right when I am at school performing. Sarcastism just keep aiming itself at me at the point of suffocating me. Prelims are in less than three weeks. I can't understand why is everyone in class still so complacent? Why you people just can't spare a thought for those who are interested in getting good grades and those who are simply outrageously tired and only want to dream away?
In fact, I must say this year is by far the most strenuous one I have ever experienced in my life. I observe certain things and sometimes, I just can not understand why some things go this way or another.There are plenty of painful lessons and experiences I gained this year. So now it is the 24th of August, it is nearing the end of the year. Two more months and I will be sixteen and it shall mark the beginning of my o level examinations. And some how or another, it should also mark the beginning of something new, I guessed.

Hello people. I am hereby back to update my blog again. Heh heh. Life is just as usual. It is just that I have been staying back till it is late lately to practise my dance moves in preparation for the teachers' day performance. Well. I must really say that all these require tedious commitment. The dance troupe and myself went to look for clothings to wear for the performance the day before, right after our dance practice. And the past four days we have been practising really hard for this upcoming performance. You can say I am quite exhausted by all this. Ha. But anyway. There are always good things in between of bad things. I think through this performance, I have got to know and bonded with some really nice people? Ha. It is fun though. Heh heh. My super nice partner especially. Ha. Oh. And I will be wearing a flair skirt for the performance on teachers' day! Teachers! I am really making a huge sacrifice to make this concert for you all perfect. Hees. I think I looked elegant with the black flair skirt I bought yesterday. I am ecstatic! ha. =)
Last night ... was a rather special night for me and someone else. I made a confession to someone. It had been a long while since the both of us messaged each other over the phone with so much to tell one another. It must have been a really tedious time for him to get over what I have said? I guess so. But. I really have to say something. I am not the old char whom I used to be anymore. I have changed alot. Loads and loads. I guess sometimes setbacks and faith in certain things change people. It is hard to decipher how people in the future will be like because in this 'wonderful' world of ours, there lives the term 'temptations' . Some people are tempted by certain things in life and they head for the wrong road to everlasting misery. While some people are tempted to do certain things but hold on to their faith and belief which will take them to some place wonderful and pleasant. I just hope God will look upon this world of ours and see those who are heading for the crossroads to the right path. Life can be beautiful sometimes. I want to live to see the beautiful mountains and springs with my loved ones. That will be my dream.
` have faith in yourself, my boy. you used to tell me that.

my dearest blog. I feel so tired and dreary. Just what is life? Why are we mugging all the time for? Is this what we are really searching in life for? I mean I used to love studying tons and tons. I have lost all motivation and inspiration in this lonesome night which seems endless. What am I supposed to do?
There used to be this really significant person who entered my life and left it inconsistently, I can not endure this bloody lifestyle of mine anymore. Just who the heck am I? I have lost my identity. Why have been so dumb as to trust any one person? I am living in darkness every moment right now. I do not know how am I going to get out of this hell. I really feel like breaking down and cry on somebody's shoulders. I want to tell that person all the problems and troubles I face. But what the hell. My problems are so unmanageable. I can never wonder how am I going to break this problem of mine to someone else. I want a hug and I never want to grow up. I want to go back to the past where I was a young kid without a single problem. Where warmth, innocence and peace lived within my boundaries.
Oh god. Take my spirit to someone where serenity fills and give me strength to carry on. I am this young yet so vulnerable in this realistic world of mine. ` i am going back to my shell to weep.

hellos! ` Today is a very important day because it is the release of the o level chinese results and the sitting of my english o level orals. Well. You can say today is a very stressful day right from the beginning in the morning. Basically, the very first few announcements were made to remind us that we were getting our chinese o level results this morning. And that terrorrizing announcement kept playing itself throughout my brain this morning. It gave me more strains of greys on my head now. But now everything's over with my results out! I got a B! And I do not have to re-take. I was so ecstatic when Mrs Kong told me my results earlier. Hees. Now I got to focus in depth on other subjects. I want to feel that fulfilment once again!
okie. i got to go. =))

woa. It's been about two whole months since I last updated. I must say plenty of things had taken place in my life in this seemingly short yet long two months of mine. I have changed and grown alot as a person. I think I have grown more mature? Hms. I have not much to say of myself. I have really thought of doing several outgoing things that might somehow ruin my life. I guess this is the effect of me being stucked in the midst of a NERD's life and finally getting out of this vicious cycle. Therefore making me all the more eager to do some things which I have missed out on during my entire 15 years on Earth. Haha.
In one way or another, I feel that I am losing my identity. I feel so controlled by a somebody in my life whom seem so inexistent yet I can feel the presence. Sigh. My prelims are in another 35 days or so. I have 4 subjects to buck up at. My sciences and mathematics. I am determined to score a satisfactory A for each and everyone of them because I really love these subjects. However, my laziness always take its control over me. And I hate it.
Last night, after the fireworks display at Esplanade which was gorgeous(my very first fireworks admiration with my friends), I got home and took a very nice warm bath. Before I got home, I was surprised by an abrupt message from my mobile phone. It was from somebody significant. He asked me something which he had never asked me before. But anyway. I thought my reply to him was quite negative. Hms. I just do not wish to think about a commitment in the future right now. His birthday is in about six days' time. Hms. Brainstorming now. Then after that, I chatted with him over msn for about an hour, it was a rather awe experience as the whole process which I had foreseen replayed itself. I left msn at about 1 am after ending the chat with him and raymond.
When I was about to fall asleep on my cosy little bed, stupid raymond called me on my mobile phone to interrupt my rest! I guessed I made a wrong choice to ask him a personal question last night on msn before I went to rest. He refused to allow me to sleep ok! Then what, give me threats here and there. I had no choice but to chat with him about 20 mins? Then my Mom thankfully came into my room late in the night to ask me to go to sleep. Haha. I left the conversation going while my mom nagged. Raymond heard everything and he seemed rather jittery when I got back to him to end the conversation. Wa ha ha ha. But worse was imminent. He wanted to call back again after my mom left my room. Stoopid. I told him my mom would do regular spot checks on me because I got home late. Heh heh. Sigh. He then wanted me to message him until his mama got home. I was so bloody tired k. But he kind of let me off after some stupid things I said to him. -.- Haha. Alrights. I should be signing off here. Cheerios. =)

I am back to update my blog due to popular demand. Haa. Hms. Life have been drifting like it is nobody's business. Time pass as swift as the bullet train that it just seems I do not have sufficient time in whatever I am doing. I am so afraid yet I am still so complacent. I feel like a failure sometimes. I can not conclude where my self-determination and self-discipline have gone to. It just feels like I have changed alot as a person on a whole. I am no longer the charlene that I used to be. I stagger with the ever-changing lifestyle. Sigh.
I am going to be so busy tomorrow. Firstly, there will be a short training for the netball marathon this weekend. Thereafter, we have to collect our tees from the Joo Seng Warehouse. I am so excited about it manz. I love the tee tons and tons. Then, I will have to rush home to clean up and get changed to head out for elaine's birthday party in the evening. We have to get her birthday present too- Mei xuan and I. Haa. Sigh. It is going to be so tiring after all that. By the way, I am really broke already. I still have to get my contact lens replenished as soon as possible. Therefore, my dear friends, don't ask me out so often for lunch and stuffs k. I am saving up $$$. Ha. I have got to sleep early. I hope time can be on my side tomorrow. Perhaps I can get back from the warehouse by 2 or 3 pm? Haa. I hope so. Alrights. Nights, people!

I am back to blog again. I feel so lost in this world. I am confused as to what I really want and who I really love. As these things are revolving around my life, I feel that I am losing my mom. Or rather, my mom is losing me. I feel that my mom do not understand me as much as she did in the past. I guessed I have pampered her too much in the past. I used to get every single thing for her and listened to her every bid and call. It has become an extent that she is asking me to pick up a phone which is like barely a metre's reach of her? I feel so irritated whenever she expects me to accomplish such a minima task for her. I feel so guilty for feeling that way towards my mom yet I know deep down I really loved my mom to an extent I would do anything for her. There is such a bonding between me and her that is undescribable.
Sigh ... I think I really love somebody alot even though we have not met. I think I am going bonkers. I am insane. Nonctural darkness as I wait.

My dear blog. I just realized that it has been weeks since I last updated you. I am feeling so confused. Many things have taken place and I feel so remorseful and regretful. I wished I never grew up. I want to remain as a young, innocent, ignorant child. As we grow up, I realized that there can be so many problems which one never knew they existed and could be a form of hindrance. Somehow, I wished this world was banished of all evil-hearted people. And then there would be left with the only pure, miniature evil me.
I collapsed into a room of darkness,
As I await for life to slowly sap away,
The love that I once so treasured were reminisced,
The power of love and determination.
Lift me up weightlessly.
Ethereal.
Give me strength to carry on ... I am not destinied to fail.

Hello ... My papers are finally over! I am unsure of whether I should jump for joy or break down and weep. Oh well. I shall just enjoy my days until I receive my results. I am so tired now. It has been almost two weeks of mugging for me and everyone else. In another two more weeks, I will be taking my chinese o levels. I am so sleepy now. I feel like breaking down into a very long sleep and never wake up yet I have hundreds and thousands of miles to pull myself through. Why is life like this? What are we working for? For ourselves? I seriously have no idea.
God, why did you created humans? My days are getting gloomier with every tick of the clock. I close my eyes as I picture the fears and inacceptance I will be foreseeing. One wrong step and I will fall down this steep mountain. Whoever reading this might not and never get what the heck I am talking about. Sigh. I shall update you soon.

Woa ... It has since been a few weeks since I last updated. Well, I have been busy prearing for the mid-year papers you see. Several things have ocurred in my life in this short period of time- 2 weeks. I shall not dwell on it. Let me get onto another topic.
Well, I have two more important papers to go. I really slacked alot today. I slept, I ate and I did everything you could never have thought of. I was bored of course. Heh hehs. I was not in the mood for studying today, really ... I just thought of relaxing today and slog hard for the next three days. I am so tired. Thick eyebags have formed under my eyes and I look horrid with them. But anyways, I have never been seen without eyebags in the midst of broad daylight. Haa.
Okie, I am going to sleep at 2 am tonight again. Hees. Bye.

Dear bloggie. I am mad at myself. I am mad for not being self-disciplined, and also not knowing my limits. I did my chemistry test 3 today. I failed or rather flunked the paper real badly that I felt that I am as good as nothing. I spent time reading through the topics last night and I yielded such results. Some of my friends did not even mugged for the paper and they scored distinctively better than me. I feel that I am such a disgrace to mrs gan and everybody. Am I a person who produce such results? I am a person who seeks for excellence. The paper today hit me real badly that I felt as if the world had given up on me. My chemistry paper is less than 2 weeks away and I am still sitting within the reach of complacency. I tell myself to stay positive and look on the bright side as I continue to work towards my goals.

Hellos blog~ I have been really distracted lately. I have been trying to steer back onto path. It has been rather difficult to do so. I have been coming online lately to chat with people when I do not even have sufficient time to study. WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING? I must question myself! The mid-year papers are half-way in my hands already, just what am I doing? I need to get my priorities right. I am like a rabbit being swollened by a snake hungrily. And this rabbit is trying tirelessly to free itself from the snake. Sigh. What are desires? Why do desires exist in this world? I leave this question to be answered by no one other than myself. I need to finish up my geog revision now. See ya.

Hellos bloggie. Yesterday I won two trophies at the sports meet. The feeling of receiving the trophy was exceptionally nice. Haa. But oh wells, it is over. I have to focus on my studies now. Furthermore, my overall target for this year is still nonetheless studies. I lost my focus last year. Sigh. I must stay focus this year. I don't want to have to go through all that hurt and disappointment I went through last year. Sad to say, I have been rather distracted from my work lately. I have to shun this distraction away. Less than 2 more weeks to my A maths paper. It is going to be the most challenging task I have so far faced. I need to revise my weak topics and target them now. I am going to work hard. I do not want to fail myself again. I will do it and can do it!

Bloggie. Sometimes I wonder why is there life in this world. Why do we live to compete and overcome one obstacle after another. I find that it is so strenuous to keep doing it though I have only been doing it for 15 years of my entire life. I will be competing in the 400 m, 200 m and 4 by 100 m race tomorrow. I hope I will wear myself out. I want to give my 100% in every race though I know it is going to be exhausting. I must learn from my mistakes and never commit them again. Stay focused. Stay on my lane and etc. Give me strength and courage!

Hellos. Apologies. I have not been updating recently. Haas. I have been busy. Hees. Yup. Mid-year exams are approaching ... I don't know how many times I have to emphasis this term. Frankly speaking, I am still not really prepared. I have channelling all my energy and focus to A maths and E maths. I also need to focus on Physics, been really weak at that. Sighs. Buck up, buck up! Urgh. I feel so bloated now. I just had my dinner. Ha. Darn it. This Saturday is my school's annual sports day. I am running three events. It is so stressful. I keep telling myself that I can do it and will do it however, you see, there is also the black side of things. Ya. I am really frustrated with myself when there is a compeitition I have to face. I will keep having these recollections of how I will be running. I will picture both sides, win or lose. Sigh. I will be logging off soon. I have to stay focused on my schedule.

Hellos people! Time passes really fast. In two weeks time, I will be sitting for my mid-year examinations. It's real terrifying but I am mugging real hard for it. Except for today. Ha. I am preparing to go out soon to celebrate Cherine's birthday. I have a line of tasks to complete tonight after the celebrations. I need to mug real hard for my chemistry and e maths tests which are coming up. There are so many things to do yet so little time. It seems like I need better, tighter time management! Ah ... ha. A little laughter will do no harm. Ha. See ya! *busy

Hello! I am back to my normal self! Hees. I am very grateful to Ms Lim's advice and myself. I have been brooding over the incident lately. And I have decided to move on. The world will not stop for me. I can cry all I want but I will move on and stay focused. Yay! I feel much weightless. Hees. I realized what I have been doing were just pure sms flirting, I did not even question myself whether it was love or whatever. And it ended up that I did not like him as much as I thought I did. It was just 'hallucination'. I took a much shorter time to forget him than little Eric. Anyways. I have a confession to make here. I am really sorry to you, Eric. You cherished me yet I chose the wrong choice which I now think I was not in the right mind at that time. He and me are not meant to be and we will never be. I am apologetic for not cherishing you. Whatever it is, I am directing all my energy towards my studies. And when I have collected my results with dazzling numbers, I will not forget you for being so patient with me in the past. Through this, I have seen who is the good and bad.
'Ctrl. Alt & Delete Mario' forever from my life.

Dear bloggie . . . I feel very down lately. I hate someone for being so direct towards me. I am no doll for you to play. I seriously don't know what are my aims right now. Previously, I was focused on studying until you got in and messed me up. I don't know whether I should be glad we finally cross our barrier of talking. We used to have a barrier called talking, these barrier was somehow slowly overcame, now I really don't know what you want. Isn't what we were doing so sweetly in the past something in aim for the future? What other barriers are there? I think I am nuts. I don't know why am I thinking of a relationship with you. You are not perfect among the guys I have known yet I don't know why have I fallen ever so deeply for you. This is sick man. I hate it, I detest it, I dread it. I have not given up on you yet you given up on me. I am so tired of giving my energy to this bloody thing. I am focusing on other things from now on. My studies, netball and my family. I am also going to focus on someone else if no one is going to pick me up from this dreadfulness.
MUG, MUG, MUG for o's!

I feel very happy today. 'He' gave me some answers which I long wanted to know or ask about and the good thing is he was sensitive. I feel that I am falling for him more and more. He can be sensitive and sweet, he does not overdo these. Perhaps I am imaginating things, but I still think I should get to understand him more before I do anything. Hees. *cuddles
Drats. I have geography homework to finish up on my last day of the holidays. It is frustrating, I find geography boring lately. Well, I shall just stick to my passion. It is study time! Ha.
I just want to apologise to this special someone for letting him down. You were sweet too however, I guess our age gaps were a little too far apart and I am still immersed in my toddly thinking and perspective in terms of relationships. I guess I will not be doing anything rash in the future. Take care k. I hope you will find another better and much prettier girl or lady in the future.
Alrights, I have to log off now. Bye!

I had a awesome time at bedok with my aunts and cousins today, spent almost my entire afternoon with them. Well, I have sort of thought it through or something. I just need time to sort it out.
I read someone's blog earlier and I am feel pretty touched by his actions. I just want to let him know that things that I have happened, have took place and it is time to move on.
I am going to chat with 'him' later on. I just feel that we have to sort this out sooner or later. Perhaps I should not even be brooding over this anymore. I will just leave it as it is.
Ha. I should stay positive! Yay! Hees. Need to begin a new term with a bright prospect. And also begin my 'purehardwork' mode. Haa. Tee hee. Alrights, I am going to end here ... Take care people!

Should I just let you go? I am confused. I don't understand what you are thinking. I know you do not understand what am I thinking at most of the times. I have so many questions in my head that are churning and waiting there for you to answer. Will you accept my imperfections? I know myself and I am a person who seeks perfection however, over the years, I realized that I am the person who is the most imperfect. Therefore, I no longer seek perfection in people except for the things I do. Perhaps, in the end, I guess you will ask me to let you go or just end all this because you do not want me to feel upset or anything. I really don't know. Perhaps we should just stay as friends because that was what we intended to do at the very first place. We wanted to maintain what we were doing however I do not know how come we got to the topic. Sigh. Are you confused too? Perhaps we should talk about this some time.
Today, something terrible happened to me. I got humiliated in front of several people at my school bus-stop. I don't really want to blame the person who did it because I knew she did not did it deliberately. You claimed you loved me yet you hurt my pride and self-esteem. Sigh. I just hope another of this will not happen again. I am born with it, it's not like I wanted it. Don't shout at me like I deserved it. I do not blame you and I still love the times we enjoyed together. I hope this will not be mentioned again.
Sigh. This week's accomplishment have not been as fruitful as I thought. I wanted to do more than these. Alright, let me end here.

Dear blog ... I don't know whether I have been doing the right things ever since I messaged him and got closer to him. I am so filled with uncertainty. Can you at least give me some certainty or an answer? I somehow feel that nothing will come out of this until I chatted with him that night. We chatted so easily, all of that except I still do not know what is he thinking all the time. We do not speak at school and seldom do we walk past each other and smile often. I read your blog entry and your ex asked you whether do you know how to even love ...
Urgh. I will continue from the next entry.

Dear bloggie ... My holiday week have not been as fruitful as I thought. I actually intend to do more than what I am presently doing today or the past few days. Sigh. I wished I would be given more time or at least I can be given a pair of speedy hands or brains to speed up my way of doing things. Today, I did a very bad thing. I hurt someone whom I used to like. I did not mean to do so however, some things are hard to explain. It is just that I have not got over someone and he just so happen came into my life. I mean his appearance in my life made a difference in my life however like I say, I have not got over someone. So now I let both parties know and the one whom I have not got over seemed to be a little mad now. Sigh. What am I supposed to do?

Hello ... bloggie. I had a sophisticated night. Someone messaged me at 3 am in the morning, and it so happen I got woken up by the message. Anyway, I was rather keen to listen and chat with this person near dawn. It was awry. This person told me that he wanted give up or something. Sigh. I really do not understand what this person is thinking ...

Dear blog. Life is getting tougher and tougher each day for me. I feel the load getting heavier and heavier. However, I am telling myself that I will only get stronger by each load not weaker. Soon, two months of intensive schooling would have passed. Also, very soon I will take my GCE O' level chinese paper. Everything is approaching at a very frightening speed that I am so afraid the next day would be my O's. You know something. I have really put in a lot of effort in my studies in these two beginning months of schooling. And, I feel that I am reaping the results. I really regretted not being this way the year before. I am experiencing mixed feelings right now. I do not know whether I should be glad that I have realized earlier or regretted earlier or despair over how much I have missed out in the past year. It is real frustrating. I am taking up A maths tuition very soon. I also want to take up Chemistry tuition however I have not seeked my parent's views yet.
At this point of time, I really want to be frank to anyone. I have been in close terms with this someone. However, it is only through sms. It is frustrating. We do not talk to each other in school and then things are not going really smoothly. We are thinking of giving up each other anytime. Well, I am frustrated. I really have no mood for a relationship at this period of my life. Why couldn't all this problems approach me the year before when I fooled around the entire year? Why do such things approach me when I want to focus and concentrate? Well, maybe this is a test of my abilities.
Oh. Ya. I was approached to be this year's female House Captain for Julius! This is cool and awesome man. I have never been one before. This is a new experience in my last year of secondary education. Haa. I am nuts. Okie, I am ending here. I got to do some revision.