There was not much accomplishment today. I slacked pretty much. But I shall be punished duly tomorrow with my day filled with A math tuition and kickboxing classes in the evening. It will be exhausting for me tomorrow. Hah. I'm trying to stay positive here. There's about like thirty more days to OUR o levels? Ya. That, I am certain. I am also trying to stay focused here. I did some planning in the afternoon today. It was kind of messy with so many things to do in this short one month.
However, I was kind of appeased that my parents are finally showing their CARE and CONCERN for me whose exams are approaching at the speed of light. Hah. I mean they have been showering me with love all the while but now it's MORE! heh hehs.
Well, I have not been reading alot to widen my vocabulary bank. I'd better do so now. =] hah. May the force be with me. God bless everyone.

Gosh. I do not know what is wrong with me now. I am engaged in negative thinking all the time nowadays. Where has my old, confident and positive self disintegrated to? Sometimes. I just wonder what is life continuously. Why is it sometimes when you work hard towards something, you do not always get it. And sometimes when you do not even want to bother about it anymore, you get what you want. If this is so, then why are we working towards our goals? It is contradicting. It is an irony.
Sigh. I am still lost within the spaces of emptiness. I only believe that one God exist in this world and I am praying to this one and only God of the universe. Please empower me with the faith and confidence to get through this. I don't have much time left. I am left with barely a month. Please.

I am so sorry everyone. I didn't know I had been such a letdown to all my close friends. I am sorry. I am dreadfully sorry. I was never a good friend. From the very beginning, I let down deb when we used to be very close in the past. And I left with the rest. And right now. I keep repeating my mistakes time and again. I am sorry. I can never be a great friend. No words can describe the abyss of apologies I wish to send out to each and everyone of you.
To JAM: I guess I have never been a good friend with the three of you whom have stood by me all these while yet I never realized your presence. I am seriously very sorry. Sorry for not being there with the three of you when the occasionwas meant for the four of us. I guessed I have always misunderstood the meaning of JACM. I feel so inferior when I am with you all. The three of you have exceptional results and vast talents. Yet, I am the little weakling wallowing in self-pity when I am with the three of you. The feeling isn't great. I can't understand but perhaps I still can't get used to JACM. I think I have been too emotional here. Thanks for being there for me when I am really down. Please remember that everything arised from me being fickle-minded and plain selfish. Please forgive me.
To deb: I am really apologetic to you too. As I said, I never was a good friend. I changed your impression of a best friend in life. I guess you will never understand the significant of a true friend since you have lost faith in friendships. And I am the cause of it. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I will make it up to you one fine day. I promise.
I don't know why. But my eyes are actually filling itself with tears and is at the verge of dropping down soon. I feel so guilty. After nearly sixteen years in life, I still never understood the meaning of friends. I never cherished my friends. Or perhaps, like you said, I let my pride and dignity get in the way and leave things to deteriorate. I feel so much like a failure today.

what's wrong man? what is wrong?! I am fed up and tired and frustrated of myself. At one point of time, it feels as though as I have given my best and at one point of time, it feels as though as I have not. Why am I not yielding the results? Why?!!! I am pissed off with myself. I just feel like breaking down . . . I am close to wits end. I am reaching my limits. There's so little time yet so much things to do. And what's the worst!? I don't know how am I going to go about making changes to improve my studying! I don't blame anyone. It's all my fault. I don't study hard enough. Yar. It's all my fault. I'm dumb so just accept it! Sometimes, I think that life is so unfair. Why can some complacent people not study and yet still score well? Where did the logic 'hardwork pays off ' went to? Where?! Say I'm jealous. Yes. I am jealous. I am jealous of people who are slip-short in their studying and still do well. I am jealous of people who can play tons and tons and still do well.
I am losing faith in myself already. I don't know where am I heading. I don't know where my stupid results can get me to. I am so afraid. And I am very scared that I will give up anytime. I have lost the belief in me. I am like a girl who's at the edge of a cliff. I will fall down anytime. And the numerous conflicts I am facing in between friendships aren't doing me any better. I am about to snap any moment. I am like sandwiched in between. Yar. Say it's my fault. It has always been my fault. And never yours. If our friendship were strong, no one could have came in and broken the bond. If our friendship were kind, there would be no hypocritism behind our faces. If our friendship were made with love, there would be no competition between us that were so intense that they were making us hate each other.
Yar. It was my fault right at the very start. I should not have left you out and went with her. Now that the both of us have seemingly went separate ways, none of us seem happy with being trapped in the past times. Well, perhaps you are happy with the way you are now.
` you never understood me the way the other did. it applys to me too.

`Hurray. A few more days to the end of the preliminary exams. * knock knock. Still got O level examinations la. I have been rather pleased with myself lately. I have been 'indulging' myself in the heavens of books. Hah. I have never studied this hard since sec two. But I guess there are still plenty of improvements to my way of studying. I guess my results will not be idealistic this preliminary exams. Hms. Sigh.
`Oh man. I feel your presence once more. I seriously don't know what I want in my love life. I would rather choose to ignore it. Ignorance is my best escape. I am lost in the ace of hearts. Somebody tell me what to do. Guide me. I am afraid of being hurt again. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Leave me alone if you can't promise me the love I need. I am a high maintanence girl. One of you is leaving for the ns soon. One of you dotes on me loads but abyss of differences lie between us. One of you has never stopped liking me but stopped recently. I hate this. I just sound like a bitch. I am sorry but I have promised somebody already. I know I am doing the wrong thing. But. I am basically lost and I need somebody to lead me. After my o levels. Please. I pray for the one I like to take initiative.
Hopefully nothing takes place and I proceed to my new phase of life. A new beginning, a fresh restart. I want to forget all the tormenting memories. I want a new meaning in life.

Yesterday evening, I had a vivid picture of reminsicing what I really regret doing in the past. It was a hurtful recount. I lost my mood to study for the geog paper today. However, I still went through with the revision.
I remembered a person who really did not meant alot to me in the past. However, now as think about what he used to do for me, I feel the guilt building up. He was rather romantic, giving gifts some expensive while some were adorable to me. We often met up and played basketball with only the two of us ... he often gave in to me. =) I missed those times. I still remember when you asked me whether you could hold my hands. Do you still remember if you are reading this now? I hate myself for not cherishing you in the past. Now everything's over. I assume you are already attached. Gosh. It's too late to be thinking about this now.
I hate myself for not sparing a thought for you when someone else whom I had infatuated since 2 years back, got back into the picture. I guessed I was foolish. However. Now I realized it has been you who had been patient with me and treated me with respect. Now I realized that without your presence, something is amissed. I won't ask for you to come back for me because I would be a total bitch to be doing that. I hope you will be able to spend my 16th birthday with me after my o levels.
Left one more week and my prelims are over. I have got to stay focused.

Hmms. I have been wondering ... Should I be feeling hatred towards you? They say that when you hate somebody, it means that that person means alot to you to actually hate that person. Sigh. I personally feel that the saying is very correct. Therefore, in order to not feel upset, you have to stop hating the person. Ya. I am putting the 'heavy bag' down now.

ouch. my right eye hurts plenty and tons! Drats it. I think I got an infection. oh man. whatever. Chicken. I failed my A math paper and it has affected me tons. Crap. I got to put in more effort now. I have not been revising my previous topics. I got an empty schedule for the entire day tomorrow! Anyone want to date me out? Haha. Nope. I will be studying away at home until the lights are out. Hms. I just can not understand why I can not hook up any inspiration to blog today. crap.
` i think i am nuts. I feel the urge to miss you again. I think I am missing your presence once more. And I hate this feeling. I hate it alot. I hate myself. I can not bring myself to forget you. This hurt has been carrying itself for long stretches of road for too long and I still can't let go. I know we can never be together. Never ... ever. Will you ever understand how much I feel for you. I have let all my care and concern to waste.

`this searing heartache

`will you ever understand my part?

`foolishness overwhelmes me

`you have forsaken me

` I yearn for your presence once more

please do not mistaken yourself as the person mentioned above to whom ever it is. this poem above is dedicated to someone whom I've ever loved so much. ppl. do not ask me about this. this person I am talking about is an invalid. ha. =) erased and gone with the wind.

oh man. what the heck. The english pro Mabel, actually doesn't understand my english language! Drats it. It seems like I have got to put my effort at the English Language. Chicken. I had physics mock exam this afternoon. And it was real panicky for me! I wonder whether the rest were feeling that way though. A group of my friends and I headed to Punggol Plaza for a change of taste buds during lunchtime. You see. We were supposed to be back at school by 1.15 pm but we were only allowed to leave school at roughly 12.20 pm. And within that brief period of 55 mins, we had to dine there and head back to school! Gosh. I was practically running my way back to school after I alighted at the bus-stop opposite our school and it was 1.35 pm then! We were late! Haha. I guessed I was making a huge fuss out of it though. When I arrived at the classroom to seat for the paper, the teacher made no comment about my late-coming BUT gracefully passed me my paper to do. Haha. I guess punggol sec teachers are just so CARING! haha. Alright, I have to do some preparations for the chemistry paper tomorrow. Signing off.

Last night, that particular someone miraculously messaged me once more. What's up with you manz? If you think it is real fun playing such games with me, I suggest that you find someone else to fool around with or visit a counsellor. What's the point of explaining things or clarifying things with me only one week after everything has happened? It makes no sense. And also your explanation is lame. What you forgot to add a 'haha' behind our last message? It's ridiculous. And how unobservant could you have been? Having not being replied or messaged you for more than three days, you chose to do nothing about it. And now you're coming back to message me again asking me to clear my doubts about you? What doubts could I have had? I have saw through you. That was the meanest message I've received from you. And you're asking me what has it got to do with your pride. Then I must say you're childish to a large extent to playing tricks with me. So what now? You want one more chance from me? If you want to fool around, please do not fool around with me. I hate being toyed around with though I know I toy with other people's feelings too. I can only tell you that we shall remain as friends forever. I have lost all trust in you. What's faith? I do not know the meaning of this word anymore.
Last night, something else happened too. Someone called me and wanted to talk to me about his problem. He was feeling so upset and heartbroken. He liked a particular girl for four exact years and his love has yet to be reciproate. And worst still, the girl whom he liked and stood by for four years liked his best friend. The kind of feeling he is going through must be treacherous. Just imagine waiting for ten whole years to get close to your loved one. Well, I had a hard time consoling him. Fancy me being heartbroken too and having to console someone else who is heartbroken at the same time. It just seemed so tragic and pathetic. Alright. I shall just give him my best wishes that he will end up with that girl eventually.
`I'm tired of the same old problem. If you can't get along with me, just shoo away.
I just can not understand why do I have to be so nice to some people. In order to prevent some guys from getting hurt, I give them the wrong idea and let them be gleeful for a period's time. And after that, I carry the guilt with me for the rest of my life. I do not want to hurt anyone nor do I want to be hurt myself. Yet, everytime I give someone that so treasured chance, he just do not know how to treasure it and instead he gets back to give me a stab in the heart. It is alright. Afterall, I am the one getting hurt dime after dime. And you will only be making me more headstrong. Do not blame me when comes one day you will be rejected blatantly by me. I have learnt my lesson and will not repeat my mistakes, though I am slow at it.

I have wasted an entire day today. I spent the whole day pondering over what I wanted in my life. Yet. I have not found any answer. I reminisced those fond memories I had and gritted my teeth when I thought of my awful and hurtful experiences.
I just got home from a stroll at the nearby sculpture park which is located right below my flat. I was thinking real hard earlier. The night seemed so wonderful yet lonesome for a petite girl who was sitting on a metal bench which felt so cold to the touch. ` She was thinking ... thinking so hard. She has never thought so deeply in her life. She sought for an inspiration. Or even a little spark somewhere which could have brightened her dimly-lit heart or even warmed it. Her mind was a total blank. She was lost. Suddenly, it felt as though the night fell on her. She was terrified. And even from the dark, something in her could not stop hurting as she glipsmed at gleeful couples bickering at each other. It hurt so much until her body felt numb and the meaning of 'tears' lost its meaning. Finally, she took a quiet and cold stroll back into her warm, cosy home.
Sometimes. I take a look at what I have done or said in the past, I would break down and cry. It might even get to the extremes of hating myself. I can not accept what I have done in the past. And many of these things happened in this particular year. As I slowly try to piece myself back again, an obstacle would come my way only to hit me back down once more. God, or whoever who guides me, give me the power to forgive myself and accept myself once more.