I am feeling downright tired now. I just got back from Genting, Malaysia. The journey took a total of six hours there and another six back. My eyes are sore from long hours of contact lens wearing. Hms. But one thing good was I really enjoyed my time there. The place has changed alot since the last time I went there. I tried out Baskin Robbins ice-cream and it was delectable indeed, makes a mockery out of the other ice-creams sold there. I did several shopping over there, bought some stuff. I tried looking for debbie's winnie the pooh plushie however to no valid. Sigh. Really sorry debs! Shall hang out with you soon to make up for it. =) Ya. My parents gambled alot at the casino there, therefore leaving us for long nights in the hotel. At first I thought nothing about staying alone with my younger sister in the hotel, however, after checking out of the hotel, my uncle told us that the 18th floor which we were staying at, had an incident of which a China woman was murdered in one of the rooms. This sent shivers down my spine. Anyway, I am back in Singapore now.

I thought alot about us. The more I think of it, the more insecure I feel. Furthermore, I feel the gap expanding by each passing day. I really do not know what's between us. I do not know what is us called. It's sapping my inner self away as I think about us all the time. Perhaps you must be thinking I'm crazy to be thinking too much into it. Well, let's just remain like this from now on.

The abyss of miscommunication

If only it could be resolved

We would be almost perfect together

Your shyness

My quietness

Takes us miles apart

` I do not want to be hurt again.

Seeing you with your perfect girl

What a perfect picture

I had a special day today. I went out with tiff and mario. Before that, I went for a so-called netball carnival at guangyang secondary in Bishan. It took me by surprise when it began raining suddenly. I got a little drenched and felt a bit uncomfortable thereafter. I went ahead to meet tiff and mario at vivocity in attempt to get the tickets to watch death note 2 however due to the *overwhelming* response, we couldn't get a single ticket there. We decided to try out plaza sing's one instead. Got tickets to the curse of the golden flower. I was kind of disappointed though. Then again, the curse of the golden flower was not really that bad. =]

Anyway, mario wore a jailbird tee today. He looked really good in it. Haha. It was nice standing beside a tall dude. Heh heh.

Deep within, pain lingers

Looking from afar yet not within reach

The heart is filled with unfulfilled longing

Grant me that one wish

` the connections are not built yet, my dear.

It always roots down to the same person who can inspire me the way she used to do. `Love the life you live. Live the life you love.' I ran through her blog earlier. I read about her life and how she is doing presently. I must say her life is like a role model for me. Sigh. I remembered when I was in sec two, I told myself that I wanted to be just like her. However with the passing of time and days, she slowly left and I gradually lost all the inspiration and teachings she bestowed upon me. I want a change in my life. And I want it NOW.

Today's christmas eve! But I'm not doing anything special or spending it with someone special. Sadly, I am grounded for today. Or rather I grounded myself for some purposes. I need to assure my parents that I do not go out every day so that they will put more trust in me. Haha. I am cunning ... and this is the way I handle my parents. *chuckles* gosh, I caught a flu this morning and I could not go for my jog. I feel damn bloody guilty for the fat-rich food I had the day before. Darn it! Sigh.

I spent one quarter of last night to update my diary. I wrote alot. And I read alot from my past. In one particular entry in 2004, I wrote something peculiar in the diary and that was ' Sometimes I wonder whether I am a normal teenager or person ' because I think exceptionally much. Then I realized I had been weird since young, but everybody's weird in their own way. I found myself again last night. I realized that I was someone who was full of emotions that even the simplest or slightest of things which people do not take note of when they speak, can hurt me grievously. And that is also why I spend most of my time writing my thoughts in the diary nowadays. That is also why I prefer to keep my mouth shut most of time and daydream about in my own world. It feels extremely painful when these hurtful words come from people whom you care about alot especially. Strangely, nobody knew about this secret of mine since young. Haha. Also, some of my deadliest secrets are not kept in check with my closest friends but people whom I know for a period of time and they could understand my thoughts easily, amazingly huh? haha.

Alright. I guess one day I might just delete this blog away as I move on to the next phase of my life. Perhaps that might happen when I have changed much as a person and writing my thoughts in the same blog just does not give me a fresh feel? haha. Anyway, people are changing rapidly all the time so I guess it's normal just as much. Okie. PEOPLE! HAVE A NICE AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! MAY ALL BEST THINGS IN LIFE HAPPEN TO YOU! while I'm stucked in the house? haha. To JACM organization(haha): Thanks for being my closest friends throughout the o levels and stuff. Thanks for stuffing me with food every other day when I hang out with you all. haha. Thanks for hugging me and loving me the way I am. And finally, I hope all the good things may happen to all of you. God bless all 3 of you. And I heard shi jing is ill. May shi jing get well soon. haha. May mabel stop thinking she's fat. haha! May ame stop flirting around. haha. And may I be bless with a good boyfriend. hah. TO Deb: Thanks for tickling my funny bone ALL THE TIME! Thanks for acting cute in front of me whenever possible. haha. Thanks for screaming at me whenever a winne the pooh is at sight. haha. Thanks for cheering me and guiding me during the o levels. May you have a blissful time with *ahem. haha. TO him: Thanks for brightening up my time whenever it's dark. You know how pleased I am whenever my handphone blinks in tune to your incoming message. I do not know what the future lies for us though but just looking and thinking of you gives me that needed strength to carry on. x) TO everyone : HAPPY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Alright. It's Jonas's birthday today! We helped him to celebrate by dining at swensens. It was rather expensive, I'm utterly broke now. I had chicken baked rice and chocolate crunch. I was literally going to puke after all that. Now I have to go jogging the next morning to burn this pesky calories away. Darn it. Yay. Then perhaps I can show off my flamboyant fbt shorts! Heh heh. After swensens, everybody walked whatever place we could go. It was rather boring that I nearly died. Haha. But thank god jonas was there to utter dumb dumb nonsense. I think he's a funny guy or rather a boy. I do look upon as a younger brother because he really looks and behaves like one. Haha. Oh. My cute lil brother. Hms. After much discussions, we went to the arcade below plaza sing. I burnt a few calories off by throwing hoops. =)) haha. To my disappointment, Mabel had to leave soon after that. I was left with dear shi jing and jonas plus pat and js. They wanted to play pool which was not my thing, but I left with them for paradiz anyway. It was plain boring over there. I played music to ease my irritated spirit. haha. Then soon, shi jing wanted to drop by suntec city to repair her grandfather's watches. I had wanted to join her but due to misunderstandings or miscommunications, she thought I wanted to go home instead. I was left with the GUYS after that. I hated it. haha. But jonas was there to tickle my funny bone. Idiot, he gave me a pervertic look while I was talking to shi jing. Hmph. Gonna slap you next time if you do that again. haha. Hms. Ya. Actually I intended to meet up with my somebody but she was not available, so I just went home with jonas then. Stupid jonas was really funny when we were in the train. Hehs. I asked him something about shi jing and he kind of got shy. haha. Is it, jonas? haha.

I am rather elated today. We are keeping our contact with each other and everything's going quite fine. He's getting a new phone, kind of happy for him but jealous too. haha. Don't worry, there's nothing in you I will be too jealous about because you will soon be mine? haha. MINE! haha. =))

Hms. I am gonna be very busy next week. I should be going to the salon to try to get a new hairstyle because I am sicked of my hair now. I will be heading out to celebrate christmas with some friends? Ya. And I should be meeting him next week. Yay. =))) goodness overwhelmes me!

Alert! Please give me comments about the entry I wrote below. I'm trying to improve on such things. I feel that it is a little erotic? haha. Okie. Thanks.

Had a marvellous time with debbie today. We headed to several places in the afternoon. Haha. Actually just thinking about what happened today, my funny bones are tickled. Heh heh. Alright, we headed to Joo Seng Warehouse this afternoon and I bought a pair of white and red fbt shorts each. Debbie commented that I was purchasing the national flag. haha. That chicken. Hms. Then we wanted to walked back to the bus-stop to hitch a bus but the weather played a fool with the both of us. It rained suddenly. Debbie dished out her bluey umbella to shelter the both of us but I must say her umbrella is 'weak', it nearly got blown away. haha. It was 1.45 pm only then, we were both bored so we decided to watch the night at the museum at plaza sing. It was an AWESOME show! But it was so bloody cold in the theatre that I was literally shivering inside. That pesky debbie kept fedding me with chips and stuff. Lays and chocolates. I was feeling so heaty in the throat after all that. We left plaza sing at 6 pm and board the train back to compass. We had our dinner at burger king's. Haha. Cheapo debbie suggested that we tried to order student meal to save $$$. Haha. However, I did otherwise. Hees. After much of our gouging of the burgers and fries, I decided to experiment with the leftovers. Haha. Then there was this idiotic-looking young boy sitting with his mom beside us, who sure bought him lots of fattening food such as the Herseys Pie and stuff. I got jealous! Guess what did I did? Heh heh. I took a long fries and pointed it at him with sneaky eyes. Heh heh. He kind of got mad at turned to face the wall or something. Haha. I'm bad.

Hms. I guess I do crazy things when I'm unhappy inside? Wa ha ha ha. I do not know. I only know I really enjoyed myself today with debbie. Heh heh. I laughed so hard that I urinated. Haha! I was joking. Make me sound like I'm like some ah ma who has no control over her bladder. haha.

Well at least you bothered to send me a message to show that you cared. You haven't been messaging for a very long time to me. I do not know what are you waiting for. Can you tell me? Tell me now. I want the answer. I do not want to wait anymore. We're going separate ways very soon if there's no response from you anymore. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to play your game. Stop telling me to have faith in you when there's so little initiative in you.

Isn't life a contradiction? Just when you aren't in love, you pray to be in one. And when you're in love, you wished you weren't in one fearing of being hurt. Urgh. I do not want to bother anymore. Crap. There shouldn't be love in my dictionary.

` Love is not a word in my dictionary

Take me into your arms

where warmth & love beholds

Let me feel your love

with every breath you send down my neck

Give me your love

when nothing about you is unseen in my eyes

Feel my love

by savouring every bit of you

Flyaway hugs & kisses

as we take the leap into our euphoria


`perhaps you could teach me how to content my likes for you

dear diary,

I feel dreary now. There's a feeling of heaviness in my chest. I feel hurt but I do not know or rather do not want to acknowledge who is causing this pain. dear diary, every time I wrote in you, there would be something which bothers me whether minor or major. Sometimes, I do not wish to grow up and face this ruthless world. As the days grow older, new things emerge and old things are chucked aside. I just finished writing my personal diary which is kept somewhere safe where it's most dangerous in the house. Hms. As the words scattered over the sheets, memories of my past were revealed. A sense of guilt overwhelmed me sending shivers to the bones. I wonder why as the days pass, I get more unhappy especially when it's night time. I guess I am beginning to ponder alot when it's dark? I need someone to secure me. dear diary, tell me who will do it? I am hurt easily with the slightest mistake of words.

I want only you. You know who you are. Do not make me wait anymore. I am tired. Grab me by the arm and take me away to faraway land where bliss awaits us. Ease my painful soul as you look passionately in my eyes. Take me far, far away and do not forsake me, for I would be as helpless as a lame in your eyes. Cast our pride aside and let us dance to the moonlight all night. You know who you are, take me away. I await your presence with painful eyes.

dear diary, I only wanted you to understand my feelings because nobody in this world clearly understands how I feel. Nobody, not even the closest of my kins. The mere reminder of this thought sends searing pain through my heart leaving behind a broken me. People who claimed they understood me, my parents, my siblings, some friends. But in fact none of them clearly understood me. I stand alone with my own beliefs. I am ever-changing quickly nowadays, that even I can not recognise myself anymore. I want to stop growth. I do not want to grow up. I yearn for someone to love me wholeheartedly.


Well, I guessed I had been a lil emotional here? okie, that's all for today. I'm breaking for the day.

Grunts. My mom woke me up early this morning to help her with chores and I am now unable to go back to sleep. Diao. Feeling kind of drowsy now though. *contradiction. Oh ... since I'm bored to tears now, I think I shall pen down about my dream two days ago. My dreams have been bringing me the fantasy outside of this world and I am beginning to slowly recall them after a long night's sleep. Okie, so I guess I dreamt about something similar to ame's dream months back. I dreamt about a guy who was rather good-looking and ok, we were in the theme park. The memory is blurry. Then there was this ride which was something like a roller coaster, instead this one had no rails/tracks which was really remarkable la. haha. So you can imagine we were literally flying in the air. So there was this guy who was sitting behind me. In the dream, this stupid ride began swirling in circles as it rided in the air(some sort like a dragon moving) and to my surprise, I began falling backwards because I guessed there was no safety belts? haha. Ya. However, this guy at the back he grabbed me and pushed me back into my space as we remained in that position, he hugging me from behind. By the way, we were in standing positions. I wonder why huh? haha. Everytime the thing swirled, I really felt that I was dropping but he would hold me in space. haha. I recalled turning my head backwards to take a look at this face and I saw a really fair face with unique features. In that instant, it felt as though I had fallen in love with this particular man in my dream. He was really warm and lovely and real in the dream. I remembered playing in the waters with him too. haha. Ya. Then it was quite idiotic ok. We were both going to kiss already you know then *poof* I woke up. Darn it. haha. Hms. So that was it. Oh ya, I tried to head back to sleep to return to the kissing part but I just couldn't dream of him again. Sigh. But ok, now I understand how you felt ame. haha.
Oh ya. Yesterday on my way back together with mabel and shi jing, I saw a guy who was rather tall and suave! He was fair in the face and has features just like 'L' in death note! Heh heh. I guess that one kind of guy really attracts my attention. The other guys at sushi tei where we had our meal yesterday didn't quite made it la. I think they were ok. Crazy mabel and shi jing were out on the look-out for the guys in the restaurant when I was just looking around at the girls because I thought a few of them were exceptionally good-looking. haha. So that was it.
Haha. *Caution* Please do not get jealous over the guy in my dream or the guy I saw at the mrt. Because one is non-existent(i'm more realistic than ame, haha) and the other which I guess I will never see him again. Cries*. haha. Alright, I'm highlighting this paragraph to someone special who reads my blog occasionally. But darn it. My personal life is still so dead!

I am kind of pissed off with blogger.com yesterday, couldn't log on to blog about my thoughts and feelings. I was feeling a lil upset the day before because of someone. Hms. Ya. Anyway, I have got over it already. Thanks to JACM who took me out to eat to my fill. Haha. Except for ame! You chicken. Hah.
We intended to dine over at Sushi Tei at Paragon's this afternoon. Initially, we planned to meet at kovan at 1 pm. To my surprise, mabel wanted to meet us at orchard instead and the WORST thing was I did not knew how to get there by the public transport! Ok, so I told shi jing about it and she was kind enough to meet me at compass to guide me there. Haha.
The both of us arrived at orchard mrt station and we were looking for mabel at the other end of the platform. After we have found her and began chatting, she actually shocked me by telling me that I looked like a guy with my outfit today. Darn it, so much for dressing up. Okie, so we dined at sushi tei's and we ordered a spread of food, especially shi jing. However, I must say I really enjoyed the part where we began ordering our dessert. Heh heh. My peach ice cream and waffle-chocolate, sweet! Well, I must really comment about the seating arrangement at the restaurant. I sat beside shi jing and she was rather touchy with me, hugging me and stuff. I felt uncomfortable, a strange kind of feeling. But anyway she was cold so I comply to her. Then the stupid mabel who was sitting directly opposite us shot me looks. Haha.
Alright. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am going to watch my juniors compete against bowen sec. And also perhaps head to terence's house to pay him a visit after his op. Sigh. My mom wants me to accompany her to shop for christmas gifts. I am so peeved. But I will be having my long deserved* break next friday. Heading to genting with my parents. If I'm lucky I might meet shi jing there or something. Haha.
`you are etched in my mind, my dear one.

Gosh. I had an awesome day yesterday, went out with debbie to bugis. Dined at mos burgers then dropped by the national library to loan some books. Haha. I think they are a number of mad people in this world cause' I met a few yesterday at the library. And they looked retard smiling themselves away. Hah. Thereafter, we went over to bugis street to look for gifts? Yep. At least I finally bought something from there out of sheer liking to it. Hms. We headed to plaza sing to chill a little at Auntie Annie's. I drank strawberry dutch ice! It was sweet & sour but savouring to the taste buds. Nice! It was quite a long day after all, took the train back to compass and we bought something at mini toons. Sigh. I am utterly broke.
Well, time really passes without a blink of the eye huh. It's december 16 already. To think I have not learnt anything new! Grunts. Shi jing suggested I learnt japanese with her. I'm broke la, how to pay for the course. Hms. Perhaps after I got my due reward from my dad, I'll join the course. Apologies, I can't join the course now.
Okie. I think my dad had been too intruding towards my social life. He actually checked my cellphone's inbox last night. It was kind of rude of him though. I was pissed off after that. Oh ya. Today's my Mama's birthday! I wish her a very happy birthday. Hees. =) Happy.

Crap. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My inconsiderate younger sister played the laptop in our room until it was dawn in the morning. In other words, it meant that I had not slept for a proper 8 hours last night. I recalled waking up several times to cover myself with more clothing because I was not aware that the air-conditioner was switched on by that brat. I was literally shivering under the covers. But soon authority took over and my dad finally stormed into our room at 4 am this morning. He yelled at her and she still had the guts to slam her stuff here and there before turning in. I hate her gutsy, idiotic attitude.
Darn. I looked at the newspapers this morning. The jobs are as usual, always in need of experienced workers and stuff. Hms. Well, there were some other jobs such as flyer distributor which is my forte. Haha. I guess I am too lazy to make another trip out there where I will lose myself again. Sigh. I need something exciting to spark up my life. It has been so dreary for the past two months. Perhaps I need somebody. Haha. Diao.

Hms. Sigh. It has been days since I last updated and weeks since I touched the books. Pathetic me. I had a fruitful day today, went out with JACM and we dined at billy bombers. The food there was served in large portions though, they didn't suit my taste buds. Hah. I ended up ordering guilty-rich food. Chocolatey-thick cake and cookies-and-cream milkshake. I guess I will have to burn them off tomorrow morning or something. Something at the back of my brain keeps hinting me that I am gaining pounds. Nut. I hate it.
Sigh. While we were dining in billy bombers, mabel asked me about my personal life and shi jing tried to dig up some juicy bits of me. Haha. Only ame remained calm as ever, I guessed. Well, my personal life have been quite silent and almost 'dead', you may call it presently. I am not going to plunge into a relationship anytime now. I do not think I have found the right one yet. Perhaps I am not straight. Haha. I do not know and do not want to bother anyway.
I have yet to find a job. I have went for two job interviews so far and I must say they both sucked. One of which I walked the whole of upper paya lebar road in search of the bloody shop. And right after that, I was beat and panting at the interview. The dirty looks from ignorant old men and the rain drops that pounded on my head endlessly, that was indeed the most pathetic and irksome walk I had ever had. Thereafter, I realized that jobs do not come by easily AND life is NOT easy!
Alright. I am experiencing a headache right now. I have to attend the netball farewell bbq at pasir ris tomorrow. I wonder what else lies ahead of me. Going to sleep soon. My eyes are sore.
`losing myself.